Ashamed Of My Behavior.... Advice Please

[Lucycat]

He is not you. He has not had your experiences. He is looking through a different set of eyes.

I hear you. If you can do it why can't he? But life is just not like that. You come across as very sensible and grounded. You have insight into your own actions and reactions. That is good in that it makes therapy easier when you understand what is going on both in your head and around you. But - it does also mean that you have a tendency to over-think. To analyse everybody and everything? Am I right?

 

[LisaMarie0876]

You are absolutely correct! I do a lot of over thinking which usually causes issues in my personal life...in my career choice its great - part of my job but a career isnt everything I need to make my life complete...especially at this point. I always think about what could happen or what might have happened or should have happened and assume the worst that way im not surprised by anything...when in reality my bf is a good man and most of the time didnt do anything wrong...its my mind going a million miles a minute with the could of, should of and with everything I have going on with beginning counseling and being diagnosed with ptsd I cant seem to make it stop or get it under control..and I overact and blow things way out of context...When I do that it makes me feel worse and my kids and bf are frustrated with me and im frustrated with myself. As I said earlier logically I see what Im doing and I listen to myself and think "WOW" but emotionally I cant seem to deal with the smallest of things since I started counseling and talking about my past.. I feel as tho I handled things better when I was self medicating...now I have all these feeling and emotions...what am I supposed to do with them???

 

[racheldiane]

i know it will get better but does it have to get worse first??? i feel awful most of the time....

It usually does get worse before it gets better. Before, when you were self medicating (this is common in a lot of suffferers), you weren't acknowledging or confronting these feelings you had, you were numbing them or replacing them with different feelings. Now, you're facing them. Facing/confronting/acknowledging them is often a very rewarding part of healing, but it is also very difficult. When you feel those feelings associated with the trauma, it is awful and terrifying and disheartening, but in the long run it's what you need to do to heal. Think of it this way: by allowing yourself to feel awful some of the time, you are effectively saying, 'I am going to take the time and space that I deserve to deal with this.' Even though it definitely doesn't feel good, in a way it's empowering. When we self medicate with destructive coping skills, we are saying, 'I don't deserve to heal and become healthy after what has happened to me. The best thing I can do for myself is drink/use/starve/cut/binge etc. After the trauma, that is all I can do and all that I'm good for." (Obviously this isn't necessarily true for everyone, but that was how my self medicating was).

When I feel really depressed, sometimes it helps me to not feel guilty by simply stating, "I am allowed to be sad." or even, "I deserve the time to be sad," because I try to think of those negative emotions as a healthy part of the healing process.

Again, all of this is how I have started to heal and what has made it easier for me. Everyone is different and if these coping mechanisms don't work for you, that's normal.

 

[LisaMarie0876]

Until recently i never even allowed myself to cry...not at all about anything. Now that i have decided that its alright to have these feelings and that its not a sign of weakness to cry there are times i cannot seem to stop....everything will set me off. Ive learned to just let the tears flow, feel the release and try to deal with things. For so many years i didnt let myself feel...at all. ..and now i have so many built up emotions that i dont know what to do with them...its scary sometimes. Knowing what happened to me isnt my fault and accepting it are two totally different things....i could have done so many things differently and maybe it wouldn't have happened....Urg, all these years latee and im just now figuring out how to cope...or trying to anyway.