I could have written this myself. Sadly, fantasy became reality and instead of being … whatever it was I sought, it became my worst nightmare in real life. Once in that situation, I couldn't break away and my abuser used the fact that I started out wanting it to shame me into staying and taking more. I am still not certain that I don't deserve it, want it. Still not certain that I am not just sick and twisted.
All I DO know is that it should have felt… somehow safe and safety and control went away and all that was left was manipulation, fear, pain and dread. It's part of the reason that I am so scared of this week and my pending court date. It's the reason I am so damn triggered right now and so angry at myself. It's the reason I want to pull away from the world and never talk to or be touched by anyone ever again.
I can't trust myself. I can't trust others. I have a very tenuous trust in my therapist but that trust only extends so far. I've never spoke to my therapist about my fantasies. About the fact that my abuse and the fantasies are related. Simple fact of the matter is I can't enjoy sex, or intimacy. I can't enjoy arousal. I can't even have friendships because I am always assuming that people are looking for a way to hurt and exploit me.
