Undiagnosed Fantasies and drawings at age 7

[Madison88]

New here, talking about something I’ve never discussed.

When I was 6 or 7, I drew explicit sexual pictures in a diary. It was fantasies of me being touched by many men. I vividly remember drawing me with my legs open, everything exposed and being touched. I think I even had speech bubbles of the men saying “oooh” as they touched me.

My mom saw the pictures and was freaked out. She had her friend who is a social worker talk to me. I remember being furious and embarrassed and I told them nothing ever happened to me.

I don’t have any memories of being abused but I still have fantasies about being tied down and having groups of people do things to me. I went through a time when I was about 20 where I was addicted to porn and joined a pornographic myspace kind of site and posted graphic pictures of myself but never with my face. Once I stayed up all night doing it, i couldn’t get enough ok knowing strangers were masturbating to pictures of me. I think that lasted 6 months but hasn’t happened again.

I have one memory of playing Barbie’s with my sister. She had a Barbie cartwheel and spread her legs while another Barbie watched secretly. I only remember that happening once and no other weird memories with her.

I’ve had severe anxiety my whole life and unrelated trauma, but I really can’t figure out a time when I could have been abused. My parents divorced when I was 5 but my mom had full custody. I really don’t think my dad did anything to me.

I had an uncle I never liked and as an adult I learned he accused my grandpa of sexual abuse. I think he took it back but I don’t really know the details. Both my dad and uncle are dead. He’s the only person I could see anything weird happening but i don’t think I was ever alone with him. But I always disliked being around him with no real reason.

Sorry this was such a long post. Every once in a while I remember those drawings and I don’t know if I was somehow into that kink that young, if I’m just perverted, or if I was abused and i repressed it. Thanks in advance for replies and advice.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about something that you've never discussed before. We're here to provide support and understanding, so please know that you're in a safe and non-judgmental space.

It's important to acknowledge that fantasies and feelings can be complex, and they don't necessarily indicate past abuse. However, it's also not uncommon for survivors of abuse to have confusing and conflicting thoughts and emotions. The memories you have shared and the discomfort you feel around your uncle may be worth exploring further in a safe and supportive environment, such as with a trauma-informed therapist or counselor. They can help you explore your thoughts, feelings, and memories in a way that feels comfortable to you.

In addition to seeking professional help if you feel it would be beneficial, connecting with others who have similar experiences can also be incredibly helpful. The peer-to-peer community here at myptsd.com can provide a supportive and understanding environment, where you can connect with others who have gone through similar experiences.

You may want to explore the forums on our site that specifically address topics related to trauma, abuse, and recovery. These forums can offer a wealth of information, shared experiences, and support from individuals who truly understand what you're going through.

Remember, you're not alone, and there are people here who care and want to help. Please take care of yourself and reach out if you need anything else.

Warm regards,

Riley Jones