Asking For A Separation- Advice

[StandHopeful]

My husband has spiraled downward. He is no longer going to his appointments with his therapist, stopped taking his meds and is spending most of his time secluded, alone and bitter. He sleeps a lot, doesn't go to church anymore, or work out, or visit with friends, or want to anything with the family (we have three kids 10, 8 and 5).

I believe a separation is in order. We both know he is depressed and a PTSD sufferer, but if he isn't going to seek and follow treatment, then his behaviors can't be excused. I am extremely understanding and have a very high compassion level. I can put up with a lot IF he is showing me he is trying his hardest. But he isn't and I won't be "blamed" anymore for everything under the sun.

I am asking him to leave NOT with the intent for divorce. I am asking him to leave so he can get a sense of what he is losing. He has to understand that not seeking help and following the doctors advice, will result in him being alone. He has yet to reach his "bottom" and I am hoping this will force it on him.

For those who have gone through this before I would love your advice... on both sides. Right now this separation is going to be all about his treatment, but at some point we have to get back to healing "us". Because his behaviors have severely hurt me and my trust in him.

How do I convey to him we love him, even though in his PTSD mind we are deserting him?

I just need some advice from some who have gone through a separation and reunited. I don't want a divorce but I do want a willing and healthy husband.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((StandHopeful)))))

What does your T. think?

 

[StandHopeful]

Sorry not understanding... my "T"?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sorry...a "T" is shorthand for "Therapist".

Are you seeing someone for yourself?

 

[StandHopeful]

Yes and no, I am seeing our marriage counselors still. They both agree this is the right step. I am going to talk to my husbands therapist to see if I need to see someone for myself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I would highly encourage anyone to see a therapist for themself. It's a crucial support for dealing with anyone else's PTSD.

It is important to take care of yourself and the children first, whatever else is going on.

I'm not able to say whether or not a separation is advised or likely to be successful. Only you and your counselors have enough info to get a sense of whether or not that is the direction to take.

It is never wrong to take care of yourself and your children first. But realistically, I suspect you'll have to let go of the idea that you can make him feel a certain way about being asked to leave. He'll feel what he feels, whatever your intent is. We can't make anyone feel anything.

Are you doing something nice for yourself today?

 

[TLight]

I suspect he'll take it as being abandoned.

 

[StandHopeful]

Just an update... we met today to discuss the "terms" of a separation. He is very analytical and factual while I am very emotional. A big cause of problems in the past. But, with the help of lots of research (much found on this site), I was prepared to speak to him today with facts and research to back up what I was saying.

The meeting started off very tense but by the end he even complimented me (yes, really!!) on my preparation and ability to talk to him in a way he could understand. We are trying a 30 day separation in which time he has to take meds, schedule appointments, see his therapist, go to nightly NA or AA meetings, join an online support group, work out and apply for VA benefits.

It is a long road and we have some healing to do in the marriage but "fixing" us isn't my concern right now, it's getting him on the road to recovery. I am sure the next 30 days will be difficult for both of us in different ways, but today was a very good step.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Standhopeful,

I do still hope you'll seek treatment for yourself so you have the support you will need for the long term.

If he's needing nightly meetings, would inpatient treatment possibly have a better chance of 'sticking'? Has he ever been in treatment? Would he go?

I say this as someone who has over 21 years of recovery - 23+ in 12 Step Programs - and thousands of meetings behind me. I have never seen someone recover for the long term when doing it to appease a parent, spouse, or the law. Not that it can't happen, but I've not witnessed it.

The ones I've seen even enter long-term sobriety all hit a bottom they could define well, and remember. Your separation request may be that bottom for him, but it may not.

Please spend your energy on your recovery, your life, and what you need.

Addiction is a family disease and it is best when adult members each get help so nobody can drag them down with them. ...and when using, we will, unless our loved ones learn how to detach with love.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The last thing I'll add is, I learned a hard lesson too many times the hard way...

Never work harder at someone else's recovery than your own.

This was so important for a co-dependent like me to learn, because the next energy-sucking needy person is always waiting.

Putting ourselves first allows us to be in a much better place for if and when our loved ones want to join us in recovering. Or, to survive even when we have to watch them...not.

You deserve your own life, your own recovery, that is not contingent upon anyone else's.

 

[Abrasky]

I think it is wrong to seek a separation to change someone's behavior.Your husbands behavior isn't right, but it doesnt' seem like two wrongs will make a right here. A marriage is really special. Not for emotional blackmail, even if well intentioned. If your husband doesnt' see it like you do, it could end his trust in the relationship.

I think people seek a separation if you they are incompatible with their husband. Sometimes people are incompatible because of mental illness.

I was diagnosed with PTSD 13 years ago, I spent all my time under a blanket hyperventilating and having flashbacks. The muscles in my diaphram were really big due to all the hyperventilating. The house was cleaned once every two months. I was agoraphobic and didn't leave the house. I was married, and I had a spending addiction. My husband seriously considered a separation. I went to see a councellor and started talking. However it didnt' help, and after trying all the treatments for 2 years, I just gave up. I didn't go anywhere, I just couldn't get better.

I am here 13 years later, I still have PTSD, but my marriage is what I would say happy. I haven't had agoraphobia for 11 years. I haven't had a spending addiction for about 10 years. My house is really clean, it could pass an inspection. I got well enough to get off antideppressants for the last 5 years. I don't have many panic attacks any more and hyperventilate. I do go out regularly, to do shopping, and to take my son to playgroup every week, and sport, and go out to do other things. I have one friend who I see regularly. I have arranged BBQ's at home. I still haven't got the courage to go to church though. I still haven't been able to work.

The thing that happened was I gave up the treaments that didnt' work and I started not listening to the doctors. I found a treatment that worked. A psychologist gave me psychodynamic therapy which involves linking things together and get memories back. This is my opinion -Some therapies can make you go backwards, some anitdeppressants can also make you go backwards and be suicidal. Keep trying different ones until one helps. Rebellion was my favorite step in my healing.

 

[Joslyn]

Hello and thanks for reaching out for support. I know this is not an easy scenario and you described your situation in a way I can relate to. I have been with my husband for over a decade and a couple years ago he slowly started behaving in a way that was against our belief systems AND stopped going to his support system to keep this behavior in check.

I did not want to believe that he was so ridiculous as to stop getting help and to become so unwilling that his behavior was affecting his wife, friendships, work commitments and he was oblivious. I gave it time and waited for him to make a decision on his own to get back to it. Instead, the situation declined.

In the meantime, I was setting up a plan B. Our children are all grown and it was easier for me to make the move out of our home. I did and he knew why. Not through arguing or finger pointing. I had talks with him over a couple of years, suggesting he get help, that he is not alone and on and on. He CHOSE to stay in the problem.

I moved and he could not believe it. Did he fel "abandoned"? Probably. Upset and hurt? Probably. But I could not live and maintain a form of sanity under the same roof as his. I was very clear it was a separation, to give him time to get the courage to start getting a support system together.

I started packing in January (one year ago), he could see it was serious at that point. Traveled a bit prior to that. Once I left he threw himself into getting help and he knew he had a long road ahead. We talked only when I could stand my ground. I missed him terribly, but even while living together I missed him.

I moved out in April '11, out of state to work on a project. I found my support system here right away and have a weekly conversation with my Psychiatrist via phone, meet with a sociologist once a week and have started a new cognitive thing. Am working on my agorophobia and have started aqua therapy, too. I mention that because it was just as, if not more, critical for me to stay on track.

He moved in with me, canceled a two month tour to be with me and he immediately found his support system in my temporary new place. We are working daily on our own recovery and as couple learning to communicate and re building trust.

So, in a general way, this is where I am at with a seperation who is re-uniting. Feel free to stay in touch. I know this is a hard time for you. You are not alone and know you can get the strength to do this.