Asking For A Separation- Advice

[StandHopeful]

Thank so much for everyones advice and support. Bloominwinter, yes, I will still seek support for myself. This separation had some requirements for me as well, with one being finding a therapist for myself and joining Alanon. I do not want to continue to enable him. And I know that I can't "force" him to get better, he has to want it as much, if not more, than I do. Prayerfully, this will be what makes him want it. But I am learning I can't do that for him.

And as well as it went yesterday, I know I still have to hold my resolve to continue the separation even once he appears to be doing the things we've outlined in our agreement. (He has 14 steps he has to complete, I have 8. We will have a weekly meeting to check and see where the other is at and how they are holding up their end. At one month we will reevaluate the separation.)

Maze, thanks for sharing. I don't believe in divorce. But I simply cannot subject myself and my kids to his behavior anymore. Our separation comes after much prayer, 9 years of marriage counseling, and years of mental abuse. My husbands job makes him very skilled in mental manipulation and controlling others.

I love him and even still enjoy spending time with him. This separation will be terribly hard on both of us. But I feel I have exhausted other option.

Joslyn, thanks for sharing your story. I am learning that with his illness, I cannot expect him to support my feelings in this. At least not yet, and I need support. Having others who understand what I am going through will be a big help.

My friends and family are great... but no one truly understand PTSD. When my husband cusses me in out in a restaurant or leaves me stranded with three kids on vacation, it is easy for them to say "Leave the jerk, he doesn't care about you." They love me and they want me to be happy. But I said "For better or worse, in sickness and health." I believe in marriage and I believe that he CAN change. He may never be the man I married, but I am okay with that. I am not the woman he married. I just want a husband who treats me well and but effort into our marriage.

 

[Joslyn]

You have my support and I do understand the limitations there are. Being a PTSD survivor, my limitations had so much power in my life for a very very long time.

For me, change started with the willlingness to learn new ways of thinking and man oh man, communication is still a struggle for me.

My husband and I had a conversation tonight. He was asking for validation (in a nice way) and I was stuck! I stumbled over my words and ended up asking him , in the end, if all of it came out or made any sense.

I really appreciate hearing from the supporters here. I am trying to understand his point of view. Hearing your questions and reading the responses in turn helps me, too! Amazing new resource that I can tap into once in awhile.

Thanks and have a great week.