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Asking for help in any form makes me nauseous

I was voiceless until I was 18. Though then came another trauma at 21 that didn't help. So many years since, and there were plenty of times I needed help. Has to ask for help. Whatever it was whether it was a financial loan or moral support or something else, it's taken me to many efforts to learn that it's okay to do. To accept help as well, when friends knew I needed it and knew I would not ask. Like, I help others in a heartbeat when I'm in position to, just because I can. But when it comes to me?
Every time I have to ask I feel nausous with fear and panic. And if I get the help- faint with adrenaline and relief. What is that??
 
i was mute until early adolescence, cause uncertain. when i consider the possibility that the cause was psychosomatic, the retort which pops into my head is, "nobody was listening. i would have been talking to myself." i still feel pretty tuned to when people are actually listening and tend to be pretty quiet when i believe no one is listening. i've been told i feel that more often than it is actually true.

and i share the symptom of feeling nauseous when i have to ask for help. my shrinks and i attribute this to my social anxiety. i pick up a talisman (a rock or some such) for grounding, take some deep breaths and nudge my way past the social anxiety, if i can. i retreat, resisting the self-flagellation as i retreat and ply therapy tools
 
It’s the wanting help that bothers me.

I’m perfectly fine DEMANDING help when I need it. I’ll grab a stranger and shove their hand into a bloody hole because I need another hand to plug a hole until I get the other holes plugged, order you-you-you DO THIS / GO THERE /DO THAT.

That’s the difference between need & want.

Need is simple. Air. Food. Water. Blood. Bone.

You don’t ASK for air. Food and water people ask for, just because we can live without it. Until we can’t. But it’s awhile. A long while. Until we’re incapable of speaking, just twitching our near lifeless bodies toward what we can no longer speak of much less ask. Blood & bone? If it’s not a bisected artery, only giving you seconds to live, people scream for help, not asking, demanding. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people live without help. Most times they don’t. But for those in need of help? Will fall into oncoming traffic to GET help. Do 10,000 things they’d never otherwise do, even at the cost of their own lives, to attempt to save their life.

Needs? So. Damn. Simple. You demand, force, acquire. Because? It’s a need. Not a want.

Wants? Make me sick to my stomach. Roiling. A mess.

Unless?

I reframe it, and assume the no. Once I’m okay with being told no? I can ask for help left, right, & center. I have no right to anything I WANT. It’s an ask. Not a demand. Not an order. An ask. Which means yes, no, maybe, in part, etc.? Are ALL correct answers.

If I’m not okay with that? I’ve blended need & want together. I’m treating a desire like a need. With the same life or death consequences attached, to a position of complete powerlessness.

NOPE!

Done that. More times than I can count. I try to avoid it when humanly possible.

It’s physically nauseating. The fear. The crash. All mixed up ideas of what I need vs what I want, and mixed up ways of achieving it.



ETA… I have nightmares where I spend the ENTIRE nightmare attempting to find a bra, or a pair of boots. The reality? If we’ve dropped into a hurricane, or a disaster or whatever proportion, it takes me very little time to “find” whatever I need/want.

I very nearly became a prepper, except for the fact that EVERY time the shit has hit the fan? I haven’t been at home. I’ve been at work, or off f*cking some beautiful boy, or 6,ooo miles away on business. Hell, during 9/11 I was on the wrong side of the damn country, so all of us who worked disaster response, on this coast? Were fawking stuck. If shit goes wrong for ME? I’m not where anything is nearby. So? Putting together what I NEED/WANT in an emergency? Has ALWAYS been an on-the-fly kind of thing. So it makes little sense to me to spend 6-7 figures staging everything that I might be on the other side of the world for. Instead? I prepared rally points, with those I loved. I gathered knowledge. HOW to make XYZ medicines, WHERE labs and distribution hubs were located, WHAT grow lights / thermo fabrics / etc. are useful for XYZ application, and where they can be found. Because? I can loot (liberate 😉) like a motherf*cker. Done it before. Probably will, again. Definitely would if anything went THAT wrong.

Becoming homeless for the first time? Is reeeeeeally hard. For the first few weeks. That’s it. After that? Most people are just soooo good at it, that it takes a deep breath (and a lot of failsafes in place, to ‘decide’ to become as vulnerable as the housed). In my city? There are over 30,000 homeless, but less than 2,000 who “look” homeless / living in camps / etc.. Why? Because MOST PEOPLE are smart, and adaptable, and within the first few weeks figure out where they can shower, sleep, do laundry, get wifi, etc. all for free or in trade. Spend a few months homeless, but working, & save up (it’s amazing how much money one can save with no overhead) and then lease a new place. Or not. A few months to a few years are the most common;trends amongst capable people. But? With serious money in the bank, or serious assets in play (so the whole lease thing, is actually a step down, in many cases).
 
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