Relationship Asking Me To Move With Him

[SRE7267]

So, my guy has started coming around again... well, not physically coming around but communicating almost every day with me for the past couple of weeks. It's been a while. I was doing so well without him, giving him space and time... moving forward in my life because I know that I cannot just sit and wait.

But he's asked me to move with him. Not move IN with him... but move somewhere else with him. He hasn't established where we are at in our relationship. Is he asking me to move with him as his friend so he feels like he has a safety person with him? Maybe. Is he asking me to move with him because he wants to commit finally? Maybe. Is he asking me to move with him in his "fantasy" world? Maybe. Will we ever actually do this? Maybe. Is he testing me to see if I would actually still be the one person he can count on to do anything for him? Maybe.

The things is -- I LIKE thinking about the possibility of moving with him -- just him and I so we can focus on each other and have that time finally. To get back to us, enjoy each other without the outside distractions that are constantly there.. just him and I. Friends or more than friends -- I don't care. I just want to get back to us in whatever way that means and see how things unfold in our relationship and I have always on some level thought that if we could just do that -- then I could REALLY and FINALLY know.

But I see how that is so over-romanticized in so many ways... and I see how much I would actually sacrifice to see the potential future we could have together... and I see how much I am holding on to the possibility of him and I being together once and for all.

I see how almost desperate I am in my thinking... saying that I would move with him somewhere I don't know ANYONE else and be willing to "just" be his friend in that circumstance... how much I would sacrifice for him just to be provided the opportunity to have his undivided attention and spend that time with him. And how I need to see that being "friends" is such a joke when it comes to us. I hear myself say and it sounds so ridiculous... because at least for me, it's always been so much more than that regardless of where we've been at in our own personal lives. And I'm still hanging on to the hope that we could actually commit to each other in being more than that. When I dream of who I am going to marry, it's always been him.... it's still him... when I think about who's children I would like to have... it's always been him. I simply cannot picture myself with anyone else.

So in my eyes, him asking me to do this and hearing his talk about "us" is filling something in me -- but wow -- I'm also really hesitant because I've learned to tread lightly... and I know this could just be one of his "high" moments and that this too, may pass. I'm an adult, a very level headed adult... but when it comes to him, I am so completely irrational and I act so outside of my normal way of doing things... but that FEEDS something in me... it gives me an excitement, a passion, and he makes me feel so alive -- in a way that I am so much missing in the day to day.

So even in my rational mind, this talking about moving -- well, it gives me something to look forward to, some excitement for life in a way I'm not otherwise connecting to, is feeling my adventurous side that I need to nurture more... AND it's giving me time with him. Whether the time with him is simply meant to bring us together just to talk about this stuff, or to really follow through with it -- well, time will tell.

If he can be realistic and is understanding that I cannot sacrifice myself and all that I would like out of life and if we can mutually agree upon some ground rules and boundaries -- well, than I can consider this is a real possibility. I'd love to jump in with both feet and never look back... but I need to look out for myself, go in somewhat guarded and cautious because I know how with a flip of the switch how drastically things can change and I need to live in a realistic world, rather than fantasy world... i need to remind myself of this.

I write these things out so I can express myself... always willing to hear feedback and advice. I guess if I had one question to ask this PTSD world today, it would be:

Has anyone elses' sufferer come out of an isolation phase and jumped right into being in a place where they are connecting to the relationship again but wanting to "run away" in a sense. I almost feel like it's isolation still, but with your safety net/person alongside you.

 

[jessb]

My sufferer asked me the exact same thing. And I agreed to do so, within a month he broke down on me, broke up with me (again) and told me he couldn't have a relationship with me.

 

[amethist]

I would be very careful about agreeing to move with him, or move in with him.

I would set a time on this and say something like, "If you are stable and our relationship is on a level plane in six months time, them we will talk about it". Until then I would be very careful what you agree to.

As you have said he has only been communicating again for the last couple of weeks, not long enough time to now make big decisions like this.

 

[mamachick]

I don't know how long you were together, how long you have been apart, or the scope of your relationship before the recent contact of two weeks and the invite to live together. But I completely agree with amethist.

Also, I don't mean to be abrupt, but I see a big red flag here. Your post indicates that the two of you lack communication. There are a lot of "I don't knows" and I don't know if he has not expressed his intent, if you have not asked, or if you do not know if he is being honest. It sounds like there is a serious lack of communication.

Can you freely communicate those questions to him? Are you afraid that asking such questions may push him away? Is he open to honest discussion about both of your expectations of living together?

There are people (ptsd or not) that do the dance or pursue and withdrawal. They pull away and isolate, and are also very afraid of being alone-and it is not as important who they occupy their self with just to prevent from being alone. I am getting the sense that you are more invested in this relationship than he is. That is not fair to you if that is the case.

You say that he makes you feel excitement, passion, and so alive. Frankly, I would explore what he does to make" you feel that way. Whatever you feel is within you. It is your energy and your ability to feel these things, he does not cause it. I agree from my own past relationships the things that kept me hooked when I needed to let go. I had to explore this for myself and discovered that those feelings were in me, yes fueled by his actions and works, but there was a part of me that overlooked bad qualities for the energy that I thought was brought by a man. It kept me off balance.

I hope my frankness is not hurtful. I just know that when there is something worth investing my time in, I must be free to communicate openly and my gut must tell me the answers make sense, are real, and he is trustworthy. I have found that when I have not been assertive enough to be open, it was often not safe (emotionally) to be open.

If nothing here applies, please feel free to disregard. Best wishes in your decision.

 

[SRE7267]

Brat17 -- I APPRECIATE your thoughts and opinions :) some real food for thought here. Our relationship has been on again off again for many years at different junctions of our lives. We both have communicated openly and freely and we both share our deepest parts of ourselves, but we have never established a committed relationship... Have always called each other our closest friends the past 13 years-- and we truly have been. Both of us have had other relationships at various times, but we always wind up back at the same place... Wondering about "us" which we both decided finally needed to be explored further so we could finally explore the feelings we share for each other. Why it hasn't officially happened throughout the 13 years we have known each other... Well, for various reasons on both of our parts. Last year we were finally on the same page, neither of us in another relationship, both living in the same state since high school, etc.. Just open to all possibilities and then his PTSD after returning home from combat just took over. The past year has been many ups and downs with us. Exploring the romantic relationship but then him isolating, not communicating, just struggling. While I've been there throughout the whole time, have been immersing myself in knowledge about PTSD so I can be a better support for him... I finally decided that I needed to just do "me"... Be his friend like I've always been and just move forward in my own life. It's been hard, but I'm in such a great place individually -- really well balanced, etc. it's definitely difficult and has been difficult but I see how I have allowed his suffering to affect my physical and emotional state in ways that it shouldn't so I took a step back and decided friends was the way to keep it. It's worked for 13 years -- maybe that's what it's simply meant to be.

He just recently went through a phase of isolating and restricting communication to everyone in his life, me included. I let him have his time, but also gently reminding him that someone out here in the world cares for him and is thinking of him just as I always would and always have. He always comes back around to me and I'm his go to person. He trusts me. He respects me. He loves me. He just doesn't know how to allow himself to go there as he doesn't feel worthy of it. It's really sad that he suffers this much and I cannot help but be there for him -- it's what we do for each other and who we are for each other. I love him so much for the person he is, who he has become and We connect in ways that is rare to find. Whether we go for the romantic relationship or not, I care for him deeply and am so proud to have him in my life and to be able to be in his -- that he lets his guard down to allow me to be in his life and to be his "number one" as he says.

My problem is that I sometimes get caught in the romance of it because we do share feelings for one another beyond the "friends" title and I want nothing more than to be able to give it a real shot... But I recognize that the time for him is not now. A relationship for him is too much -- he needs to focus on healing and continuing to progress.... And I cannot just sit around waiting and hoping anymore because I'm 30 and want certain things in my life that I'm not willing to sacrifice. So I'm in a difficult transition phase where I'm ready to move forward in my life, but there's this little glimmer of hope that our window of opportunity is still a tiny bit open -- it's getting smaller every day because I am planning to move out of state in the Fall... This was the timeline I gave myself last year... I will give in 1 years time to see how things transpire and if nothing does, well then I have my answer that I can hopefully make peace with so I can have a successful relationship with someone else and remain friends with my sufferer as we've been all these years (just without the ups and downs and back and forths.) so I'm moving forward regardless as that 1 year time frame is almost up and I have to do what is best for me. But then all this threw in a little mix.

So he was withdrawn for a little more than a month this most recent time but a couple weeks ago he reached out to me and our communication continued and its been going strong and steady since. We've kept romance out of it since January -- strictly friends, supportive of each other, etc, no discussion otherwise. But this week He asked me to move with him.... Not to move IN with him.... Simply to move out of state, to a different town with him. I'm in a place in my life where I can do anything and go anywhere without sacrificing my career and I've been open to all possibilities. And him asking me to do this with him... Well, I viewed it as another opportunity to explore... And I can't lie -- on some level, I'm contemplating it simply because I feel like -- here is my chance... The door is open. if I just jump in with both feet, We will either sink or we will swim... But if I don't try, I'll never know. and it's not like by me moving to another town means I'm condemned there for life.... Home is always there.... There's a huge world out there and I've never been one to stay in one place too long, so I feel like if my taking the chance doesn't work out, I'm not at a loss of anything because I will have finally had closure to something I've wondered about for 13 years. I mean we always have a blast together -- adventuring and learning from one another when we are together... It's often a great time with wonderful company. But I'm fearful of the PTSD... I wonder if he is asking me to move with him because he needs to move to get away from everything, which I totally can relate to, but I don't want him running away and just use me as his crutch to get by because he knows I'm in the same town. You know?

I've been 50% of creating the dynamic between us. I do not feel like he does anything to me or that I do anything to him on purpose.... It's just been a huge complicated mess and I'm finally mature enough to say "Hey, I want to see where this could go and I'm willing to try and see how things go" and be open to all possibilities. But he is just struggling so much off and on in the moment... I'm trying to connect to myself on a deeper level and really.see this for what it could be. Is this an open opportunity for us to finally get some closure one way or the other on us. Is this just an opportunity to explore something new and different with each other so we can both continuing our healing processes and be supportive of one another as we do it. Or am I'm just completely blind to the fact that this could be a horrible decision to move somewhere else with my guy, helping him to escape reality and finding myself feeling solely responsible. It's a risk.... I'm just have to decide whether it ps a risk I'm willing to take for his health and safety as well as my own as I continue,and it looks like a real conversation about all of my fears and excitement surrounding the opportunity is necessary with him so that's going to be a hp great next step.

I really do appreciate all the thought s, concerns and opinions, it is so very helpful to be able to just express myself and get feedback from everyone, so THANK YOU!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wherever you go, there you are.

Moving isn't going to change things. You'll be taking you, he'll be taking him. It's nice to think that for 13 years you could blame the non-couple thing on physical distance and such, but I don't think so entirely, PTSD or not.

I think you need to see this for what it is. He has told you exactly what he wants. To have you live near him (somewhere else), but not be "with" him. This isn't exactly a guy knocking down your door to be in a relationship. I get the feeling that you want to blame the PTSD for this situation. If only we could get away, we could give it a real shot! Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. He is attempting to run away from his problems and take you, a safe person, with him.

If he were saying "please stick around, I'm in treatment and seeing a therapist, taking my medication, whatever, whatever" then I'd say give it a shot. But after 13 years, the odds of running away and being with him aren't so hot.

He can't run from his PTSD. Don't be his enabler. I wish you the best.

 

[mamachick]

You have a lot of history there. It explains a lot about your feelings. You sound like you are weighing this very thoroughly. Be well and take care of yourself first in whatever you do.