At an impasse

[Still Standing]

Someone is going to have to come rescue me!!! I have binge-eaten through the day. I need a pack of gum!!!! Though I had a little reprieve with homework for therapy, I am back at it...or better said, "I am staring at it." It is my nemesis:sour:. I want so much to please and have it done for next session, but I don't know how to get there. My brain shuts down and the only thing that happens is anxiety. There is a huge undercurrent of frustration because I can give a counter answer to the stuck point but it would be entirely disingenuous, because I don't believe it. So, I can fake it and have it look like I am making progress or I can stay stuck and hope that the event can be talked through...if I can talk and not go mute. So, once again, the homework is going to go uncompleted. The feeling of failure stinks. I know...baby steps. But what are baby steps? I am only trying to do what has been asked of me...and the T knows how badly I am struggling with this homework. I am so disappointed in myself. I am smart. I should know how to do these dumb sheets. I think I will send my twin to the next session...if only I had one!:rolleyes: So, the executive decision is: no homework! No can do. There is going to have to be another approach figured out here. I am not up for any more head torture. Running away still sounds like a grand option. I just want to give the world, in my head, a big shake and tell it to bug off and leave me alone. Sorry for another rant. One good thing, (I suppose) happened in the midst of the day, hubby wanted a hug so I hugged him. I did not recoil. I have not been able to let him touch me for a long time. But, I guess he thought that having a hug meant that he could also have a kiss. THAT was pushing my boundary but I acquiesced. He was pleased and I was trying hard not to act repulsed, as I was. I felt forced to have to comply because I did not want to hurt him. Oh hum, one step forward and one step back. Touching and homework...Bah! Humbug! But in all seriousness, I feel very sad inside.:( This is a tough journey to walk.

 

[frogthroat]

That's sad. I'm sorry but I think you will get better. Sometimes you get stuck on really hard bits but sometimes it helps me to see it as a very small blip in time. Things will get better. Don't beat yourself up. It's hard work and the sadness is very hard but it's not forever.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Why can’t you do the homework? What if you just let the pressure go and just do what you can, in this very moment? If she questions really stump you just write that out for the answer. It’s not meant to be as hard as you’re making it. From the mind of a healing perfectionist, do what you can, with all that inner turmoil. It’s perfectly ok to write “no idea” for some answers. There’s no better place for that than in session so you can talk about what came up for you in those moments. Anything and everything is acceptable. It’s a beautiful thing.

 

[Still Standing]

Grumble Grumble!:meh: If I knew why I can't do the homework then I could muddle through it and there would be some progress. There isn't a conscious cell in my brain on how to get to the type of answers the work is supposed to get me to. I can do the first two columns, but the center columns I just stare at. It is like I can see the words, but my brain cannot quite grasp them. Then the last column I can limp through it, but I don't believe what the answers are supposed to be. We have spent a month on trying to get this thing through my head. It is like pushing a hog through a keyhole! Even tossing out the worksheet and winging it on my own, with my own approach, still shuts the brain cells down. I don't know that I am being a perfectionist. I just want to follow the instructions and go from point A to point Z, but it isn't working. Something is not clicking. It's just that I don't know this person...me. These reactions are not me. I've never had difficulty in doing homework or tests and such. I feel like I am out of my element...uncharted territory...and what charting is being attempted looks like gibberish. Don't ask me to read a map, right now, either. THAT will get no one anywhere quick. Sorry. Am disappointed in myself...

 

[Rumors]

Can you give an example of a question you can't answer? Listen, I get it. There isn't anyone on the planet more detached from emotions and storyline than me. However, even if your answer depicts that, "I am so detached from how I feel about that," then you at least are acknowledging that it does exist and you know you need to look at it more. I think the point of worksheets are to help you see the things that aren't going so well and how you need to address them moving forward. If you had all the answers, you wouldn't be in therapy. It's important to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. It's not a race either. Instead of answering the questions, write down the reasons why you feel blocked. Example: "Its too hard to talk about. When I think about answering this question it makes me nauseated. I immediately have anxiety when thinking about this." Sometimes just publicly acknowledging how hard it is to discuss opens the door. Good luck!

 

[Still Standing]

I'm not able to address the worksheets, at the moment. Once again, I have awaken to a huge panic attack and memories are flooding my head. I am beginning to remember things. I think these sheets are opening a hard door to look through. Sorry for all the complaining about them. I won't unload anymore. I think the memories are the real issue. ugh. My insides feel like there is a large earthquake going on. Didn't think I would ever have to face these things again. ...not in a good place today...

 

[digger]

Can you give the whole worksheet thing a break for a bit. Im not sure what type of therapy you're doing, but it seems this method of working is causing you more distress than it is helping you? With my therapist, if we hit something that really seems to not be working for me we look at other ways of approaching things, at least for a while.

the T knows how badly I am struggling with this homework.

What are their reasons for wanting you to persist with these particular worksheets?

 

[Freida]

stop!!!! breathe!!! It's not a test!

Your perfection button has been hit - so step back and regroup. You are trying to do to many things at once.....

You don't have to believe the counter thoughts. You are allowing that they are possible replacements. Belief will come much much later.
This is just an exercise to practice alternative ways of thinking. Its an exercise not a lifestyle change. Not a final exam. Just an exercise

You are putting way, way to much pressure on yourself. You won't disappoint anyone if you don't get it all done the correct way right this minute. Not being able to do these exercises is just as important as completing them -- because it helps show what you need to work on.

Repeat after me: This is a worksheet to show my thought patterns -- not a test I have to do correctly. If I can't answer it - that is my answer.

And - write down what you are feeling and remembering. Get it on paper and that will help get it out of your head. Then you can take that to your T and she can show you how the worksheets can be used to help acknowledge the memories

BREATHE!!!! :hug:

 

[Still Standing]

Ok, I am "grounded" a bit now. And reading all your responses (and yours, Freida, came in just as I was starting this post) made me cry. It's the kind of cry that hurts clear into your throat. The T will be glad to know that I let tears break through...not that I am able to keep them in their banks right now. You guys are right. I am trying too hard. I really didn't understand until with Freida's last reply that I don't HAVE to believe the alternative thoughts. It is simply a logical conclusion to consider. So simple, but so hard. I have put the homework away. And I am going to record the memories that have boiled to the surface in response to this latest stress. No guarantee that I will remember them for therapy, otherwise. It is so hard feeling like one is at war with themselves. But, I THINK this episode is calming down. Thanks, guys.

 

[Freida]

I'm so proud of you!!