At My Wits End

[sarahts]

I have a loving Partner of 6 months now , I am a survivor of rape 3 years ago now...My partner is also female, I Find it really hard to be intimate with her , Part of me feels that because i was r**ed by men that im not as pure / lesbian anymore , I dont want her to think this is her fault. She never tries to push me too far but i find myself trying to be intimate with her (because i do want to) and failing at the point of orgasm / totaly breaking down and going numb/crying...i dont know what i can do to stop this and i feel like its ruining our love life , I have spoken to it briefly with my T But i find it aquard as she is a straight female , so i feel she would find it wierd/gross to talk about a lesbians sex life.

 

[anthony]

so i feel she would find it wierd/gross to talk about a lesbians sex life.

Mistake #1 is to think for another Sarah! Its a dangerous interpretation our brain uses, and one that you can retrain to identify, pause, correct yourself and just ask the question of that person and let them decide or instigate whether it is awkward for them or not. We too often don't talk about important topics due to our own thoughts or interpretations on what another may think. Really, its not up to us to gauge what another may think, unless a person can literally read minds. The old say... don't bring a crystal ball if you can't read it, rings true with how our brain naturally works due to social limitations and upbringing, events that have occurred within our lives, etc.

So... here is the question. When you where raped, did you orgasm? This is a common aspect of people who have been raped, being that their body orgasmed so they then believe or feel that they enjoyed it, which is not the case at all, though often hinders them at that pinnacle during sex with their partner.

I think we need to identify the cause... the root feeling... then you can work out how to move over the hurdle in a way that suits you and a method your brain interprets best.

 

[Nyx]

Hey Sarah,
Though I am straight, I will attempt an answer.
First, I don't think your therapist should have these kind of issues, seeing as they are trained to be "issue-less".
I don't want to offend you, but I think it's actually you who has the issue with her being straight. I'm not accusing, it's just something I feel.
Secondly, a question: when does the feeling that you are 'not pure' appear? Is it there form the start or only at the moment of the orgasm?

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find the support you need here.

 

[sarahts]

Thanks for your reply , i see where your coming from , I dont mind that my Therapist is straight , , , i just dont want to make her aquard by thigs i say , yet i want to open up and sort my issues out. I know as a therapist shes trained to not ''be aquard'' ect but when im in a session i think i close up and have trust issues (due to past events). In answer to your quesion Anthony , Yes i think i did orgasm (never actually told anyone that before), This sends my head crazy tho as I am comfortable in my homosexuality! . . . . . I did not enjoy it I hated every second. When i get to that point with my partner it scared the hell out of me, I want to tell my Therapist about the rape and my bodys reactions but i fear so badly someone will think i enjoyed it or question my sexuality . . . i know Therapists are not there to judge but there still human. It irritates me that my body had that reaction when i felt like i was in hell. It dosent make sence to me how an even like that can cause that reaction. Feels dirty.

 

[Nyx]

Yes, it's hard to understand how your body could have that reaction. The first time I had a similar reaction and also wondered how it could have happened. I didn't orgasm, but my body did respond as if it enjoyed what was happening. I fought these feelings too.
But I found a simple explanation: erogenous parts of our body will respond, simply because it's a phisical thing. We are 'programmed' to respond so we can procreate. If our bodies would only respond to a feeling - love, for example - we would not be able to reproduce. And that would eventually mean the end of a species. So it is within our genes and bodies to respond to phisical stimulation.
You should try talking to your therapist, as hard as it may seem, because she will help you get over the guilt. If you find you can't sort it out by yourself, get help. This is what I keep telling myself everytime I find myself running from a problem.
Take care.

 

[anthony]

In answer to your quesion Anthony , Yes i think i did orgasm (never actually told anyone that before)... ...I did not enjoy it I hated every second. When i get to that point with my partner it scared the hell out of me

Do you see the direct correlation between what occurred with the past abuse vs. what you want to enjoy with your partner now? Because you orgasmed when raped, you think that you're dirty or such, and that you enjoyed it, when the facts are that your body is not actually always in control. An orgasm is emotional for a female compared to a male, though genitalia has specific sensitive points which aid in triggering an orgasm, regardless what the brain says (brain carries our emotion). Whilst you hated the act, your body still responded because you didn't have the control, the rapist took that away from you. Now the problem is that when you get towards an orgasm with your partner, with both the emotional and physical stimulation, your brain then reacts to the abuse itself in relation to the orgasm.

The moment you stated you have never told anyone that, is the same moment you also just released another secret about the abuse itself. You need to raise that with your therapist IMHO, because they will be able to greatly assist you in retraining your brain to change your thought and behaviour patterns in relation to sex.