Hey, really concerned I'm reaching the end of my tether and will end it soon

[Weemie]

So, it makes it hard to trust who's "more right" than the other.

Honestly? It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. At the end of the day, you feel bad. This relationship makes you feel bad. And you're an adult, so you're actually allowed to choose who you want to be around, and you don't even need a reason for it. The fact that you feel bad all the time? Is a good enough reason to leave her. It doesn't really need to be any more complex than that.

Disengaging from someone won't destroy them. If they say it will, they're lying. Human adults are capable of existing on their own. If that were really true, then she wouldn't have had the capacity to consent to a romantic relationship or sex to begin with. She can be by herself. She can deal with all of her emotions and behaviors and hopes and dreams - all of which belong to her - by herself.

And you can unpack the speakers, and play a f*cking videogame.

 

[whiteraven]

One thing I struggle with with therapy is knowing if they're just being nice or accommodating with me because of their job.

Yeah...I struggle with this, too.

when I tell my therapist about the issues in the relationship, she's only hearing my side of the story.

Honestly? That's all that matters here. If what you say is the truth--and I've no reason to doubt you--then you are being subjected to abuse. This reminds me of something going on in our church right now. I attend a UU. Our minister quit, rather abruptly, just after returning from sabbatical because she said several people and the church as a whole were treating her in an abusive way, prejudiced against her because she is of Muslim descent. Over the last several months, the congregation has been struggling, and the dominant theme has been that that was just her *perception.*

My argument is that it doesn't matter. If a black person says they are offended or upset by a gross racist comment or name, do we say, "well, that's just their perception"? No, we take what they say into consideration, and we make sure we don't say it again because we want to show consideration and compassion to that person. Some, though, who are filled with hate and are racist, will just continue. Because, you know...just their perception.

It doesn't matter if your wife/partner has a different "story." What matters is how *you* perceive the relationship and whether you want to live with someone who is behaving, in your perception, abusive towards you.

Maybe you don't trust what you perceive? You've talked about some very specific things that have happened

she is very, very critical. Whenever something minor happens in the house it's my fault. Chip in a cup - I must have been clumsy when washing the dishes. Late to an event - I must not have taken the best route to get there. Indoor plant is dying - I must have overwatered it. Stain on the sofa - I must have spilt something on it. It's a million little things that chip away at me (the look of disgust when I stop to tie my shoelace, or if I have allergy issues really hurts).

I "can't" play video games because "they're addictive and violent". There were times she's stormed out of the house all because I spent an hour quietly playing video games with friends during time I specifically set aside for it. Everytime I would play she would get angry,

and unless you're making them up--again, no reason to believe that--then you have reason to be...frustrated.

 

[Jlol]

Thanks again @whiteraven

"Maybe you don't trust what you perceive?"

I feel this is true. I've never been in this kind of circumstance before, never been treated this way.

But to make things worse she's a really, really good debater/arguer. It's not like we can sit down together and have an adult conversation. I feel the only reason she listens to me is to find a weakness or something she can exploit in what I'm saying. I feel like I'm a witness being cross examined by a lawyer - I can speak factually and state my truth, but she just finds one little point she can throw doubt on and it brings my whole opinion into disrepute. That combined with the language and approach she uses makes it very, very hard to set boundaries or stand up for yourself.

I might be venting here - so please feel free to skip over - but a few nights ago something occurred that illustrates her approach. We're selling a house at the moment and I've been spending time there fixing things and making it look presentable. One of the last things I needed to do was some very minor paint touch-ups on one section of one wall. Due to timing I had to do this the day the photographer was arriving to take photos of the house. I made the decision on the day to do the paint touch-ups after the photographs were taken - the inconsistencies in the paint were so small (fractions of an inch, white on white paint) they would not be picked up in the photographs and I didn't want to leave paint buckets, dirty drop sheets, etc lying around in the way of the photographer. I thought the risk at the time of me making a mess before the photographer arrived was too great.

That afternoon she came home from work and we talked about our days, no issue there. But then about 11 o'clock at night she starts saying how disappointed she was that I had not tried to fix the paint before the photographer came. I explained my reasoning as above, but the more I explained the more she got annoyed. She had me detail my day - what time I had breakfast, when I headed over to the house, what time the photographer arrived, if I got a coffee on the way, etc. She kept repeating how "disappointed" she was that I had chosen a different approach and how I should've woken up earlier, or done this or that differently. No matter how many times I would say "I'm sorry you feel disappointed, but I felt I was doing the right thing at the time. I've very, very certain this won't matter to the end results." she would just ignore that and repeat how disappointed she was with me. This "conversation" went on for hours and I felt there was nothing I could do or say to make her stop repeating how disappointed she was with me. She would often say that she "was allowed to feel disappointed". The photos came back a few days later - the paint issues were not visible at all.

This is where I struggle. Technically she could be right. Technically it would've been better for the house to be 100% complete before the photos were taken, not 99.999% complete. It's so hard for me to argue against that. Like a lawyer, she latched on to that one issue - the 0.001% of the job that was incomplete - to take me and my opinions down. And she extrapolates and extrapolates on that. It's so hard to stick to your boundaries or opinions when she can get under your skin and tell you you're wrong on technicalities.

 

[Weemie]

It's so hard to stick to your boundaries or opinions when she can get under your skin and tell you you're wrong on technicalities.

This is why I say being right or wrong doesn't matter. You're dealing with a fairly textbook narcissist here. Her ego is tied to being right, so any little thing will cause a meltdown.

Disagree with her and it'll cause an hours long cross examination. Set a boundary and she will ruthlessly attack it, as a slight against her.

Point is, though, even if you are wrong about shit, this is still not the correct way to treat another human being. My preferred way of dealing with narcissists is simple: "that's your prerogative, but it's not my problem."

The melt down and lash out will be inevitable, but by then I am walking away. She's allowed to be disappointed for hours that you didn't fix a small paint chip, and you're allowed to not care in the slightest. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Right and wrong? Not even relevant, to be honest. Relationships shouldn't require essay style dissertations defending your position to not paint an inch on a wall. That's just nonsense.

 

[Movingforward10]

This is where I struggle. Technically she could be right. Technically it would've been better for the house to be 100% complete before the photos were taken, not 99.999% complete. It's so hard for me to argue against that. Like a lawyer, she latched on to that one issue - the 0.001% of the job that was incomplete - to take me and my opinions down. And she extrapolates and extrapolates on that. It's so hard to stick to your boundaries or opinions when she can get under your skin and tell you you're wrong on technicalities.

This is the impact of emotional abuse. You questioning and doubting yourself and feeling like you have failed because your reasoning hasn’t been the 100% mark that she says there needs to be for you to be right in your view.

this Is her. Not you.


i don’t see what you’re writing as venting, but putting it out there, expressing and seeing if, how, your experience is validated. (I.e. of what you’re feeling about it all, is supported by us here.). You know what you feel. That this is unjust. She’s telling you you’re wrong. Which is abusive and misaligned to what you feel.

 

[Jlol]

Thanks for the replies all.

I just wanted to write that last night I left.

Something happened that sparked a whole new argument about money. In a casual conversation I mentioned I had gone over my personal budget because I had been spending too much money buying lunch instead of making it at work. She got suspicious about this budget, accusing me of hoarding (my own) money and not telling her about it. She said I "wasn't committed" to the relationship because I wasn't putting 100% of my pay into our shared joint account.

Now instead of fawning or backing down for some reason I got mad. I do put a substantial amount of my income into our shared accounts. For the mortgage I contribute twice as much as her. I also personally pay for most outings, as well as random expenses like the phone bill and emergency electrical fixes. I even pay for half the running costs of her car, as well as 100% of the costs for mine. It's true I do have a personal savings account - with not much in it - for my own purchases and emergencies, but so does she.

She kept kind of aggressively mocking me about my personal savings "What are you going to do, take yourself on a nice vacation?". I just kept repeating "I feel I'm contributing a good amount to our joint expenses and I feel comfortable with that". The argument expanded to how this meant I wasn't showing commitment to her, to which I replied "We're in a long term relationship, we live together, we own a house together. I feel like I'm very committed to you." But, no. Apparently commitment is having a shared bank account, being married and having children and nothing outside of that counts.

At this point I just felt detached and resigned and said something along the lines of that I didn't think I could give her what she wanted in the relationship and that I was sick and tired of feeling like I constantly disappointed her and that I was exhausted and stressed from the constant arguments. I said we should take a break and that I would go and stay with my parents. She didn't say anything, didn't respond. I packed some bags and left.

I feel ok right now. A bit sad, but still angry about the money thing. I don't know why it was easier to set a boundary with this - maybe because it is kind of black-and-white, ie: I irrefutably do pay more than her and if I was a bad partner I would manipulate things so I would pay less.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone on this forum and everyone who has replied to this thread. Your advice and support has really helped.

 

[Lumos]

Thanks for the replies all.

I just wanted to write that last night I left.

Something happened that sparked a whole new argument about money. In a casual conversation I mentioned I had gone over my personal budget because I had been spending too much money buying lunch instead of making it at work. She got suspicious about this budget, accusing me of hoarding (my own) money and not telling her about it. She said I "wasn't committed" to the relationship because I wasn't putting 100% of my pay into our shared joint account.

Now instead of fawning or backing down for some reason I got mad. I do put a substantial amount of my income into our shared accounts. For the mortgage I contribute twice as much as her. I also personally pay for most outings, as well as random expenses like the phone bill and emergency electrical fixes. I even pay for half the running costs of her car, as well as 100% of the costs for mine. It's true I do have a personal savings account - with not much in it - for my own purchases and emergencies, but so does she.

She kept kind of aggressively mocking me about my personal savings "What are you going to do, take yourself on a nice vacation?". I just kept repeating "I feel I'm contributing a good amount to our joint expenses and I feel comfortable with that". The argument expanded to how this meant I wasn't showing commitment to her, to which I replied "We're in a long term relationship, we live together, we own a house together. I feel like I'm very committed to you." But, no. Apparently commitment is having a shared bank account, being married and having children and nothing outside of that counts.

At this point I just felt detached and resigned and said something along the lines of that I didn't think I could give her what she wanted in the relationship and that I was sick and tired of feeling like I constantly disappointed her and that I was exhausted and stressed from the constant arguments. I said we should take a break and that I would go and stay with my parents. She didn't say anything, didn't respond. I packed some bags and left.

I feel ok right now. A bit sad, but still angry about the money thing. I don't know why it was easier to set a boundary with this - maybe because it is kind of black-and-white, ie: I irrefutably do pay more than her and if I was a bad partner I would manipulate things so I would pay less.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone on this forum and everyone who has replied to this thread. Your advice and support has really helped.

Well done! I bet she was a bit surprised that you stood up to her.

 

[OliveJewel]

Good work!!

 

[whiteraven]

Wow. That took courage. Great job!