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Hey, really concerned I'm reaching the end of my tether and will end it soon

Jlol

New Here
Hi. I'm pretty new here and pretty new to having the diagnosis of C-PTSD. Sorry, this is a long one. Just don't know what else to do.

I'm in a dark place and feel like I can't get out. Furthermore I feel that with gaining clarity on my condition I've gained clarity on how I've hurt and am hurting people.

I feel like I can't:
  1. Get out of the situation that is exacerbating my C-PTSD symptoms without causing more damage
  2. Reconcile the damage I've caused people in the past
  3. Ever live a 'normal' life
The situation I am in now is this: I live with my partner who has her own issues. She is most probably a narcissist. I am a Fawner. Perfect mix for disaster.

She gets angry, often. She never says anything to explicit about me, but she is very, very critical. Whenever something minor happens in the house it's my fault. Chip in a cup - I must have been clumsy when washing the dishes. Late to an event - I must not have taken the best route to get there. Indoor plant is dying - I must have overwatered it. Stain on the sofa - I must have spilt something on it. It's a million little things that chip away at me (the look of disgust when I stop to tie my shoelace, or if I have allergy issues really hurts).

There's music. I love listening to music. A while back I spoiled myself and bought some high-quality Bose speakers, but literally every time I would sit down and put on a song it would be "that's too loud" or "what would the neighbours think", etc. I ended up packing the speakers up - they don't get used anymore.

Then there's a few bigger things. I "can't" play video games because "they're addictive and violent". There were times she's stormed out of the house all because I spent an hour quietly playing video games with friends during time I specifically set aside for it. Everytime I would play she would get angry, so I stopped playing (and for what its worth I'm not a gamer - I own 1 game on a hand-me-down PC mostly for the sake of just chatting and joking around with friends).

There was a moment I refer to as the "Wall Incident" which is a pretty good example of medium sized conflicts (maybe 2 to 3 times a month). There is a wall in our house that needs a new coat of paint. She wants to decide on what color to paint it - I'm fine with that, I don't really care. But one day I noticed a big mark on the wall where some of the original paint had scraped off, so I took a small tin of touch-up paint from the garage and painted over the mark. A quick fix to make an ugly wall slightly better. She came home whilst I was doing that and exploded. "Why are you painting the wall? We were going to paint it a new color! Why weren't you listening to me? Why aren't you respecting my opinion!" over and over again. This time I decided to stick to my guns and just repeated "I'm not repainting the entire wall, just fixing this small mark so it looks a little better whilst we decided what color to paint it". I tried hard not to Fawn and she just got angrier, and angrier, and angrier, and the 'argument' continued for hours until she threw a glass "towards me" (didn't hit) and stormed out and drove off somewhere.

All these things combined with my own C-PTSD Fawning habits have, over the years, destroyed me. I'm afraid to make any decision without her. I get stressed out when friends ask me to hang out because I feel I have to say no, otherwise she will be angry. I've given up hobbies, even the ones she approves of ("Don't you think X, Y and Z are more important than that right now?"). All I really feel like I do is household chores. When we argue I just collapse now, cower in the corner. I'm out of energy and will power to push back, and pushing back just makes it worse anyway. I've started hitting myself - like punching myself really hard in the arm and chest. I don't really know why I do it other than it's showing her "Look, you've beaten me. I'm hurting myself. Can't you see you've won? Please stop.". It's silly and immature, I know, and I hate doing it but I just don't have control over it.

This leads on to the really big thing: children. We don't have children, but we are both 38 and time is running out for her - the doctor says it's now or never. She wants to have kids and I... am open to it, but just can't with living with the above conditions. Obviously this has caused huge tension and arguments. To make matters worse, during these arguments I Fawn. I give in and say "OK, let start trying next month". Only I don't really 100% mean it. I just say it to stop the argument and tension and stress. In my brain I know it's wrong to lie and lead her one, but my body is screaming "just say this, survive the night and we'll come up with a plan to deal with it tomorrow".

I hate that I do this. As many issues she has, it's wrong of me to lead her on. Like anyone else she deserves the chance of having a family, and I feel I'm preventing her from doing this by lying. Since my diagnoses and understanding of C-PTSD Fawning I have tried harder to tell the truth but with the intensity of the arguments I always end up Fawning and compromising. I feel like I've put myself in a position where I have 2 evils to choose from. 1: We have children and I commit myself to a life I don't want that is (quite literally) probably going to kill me. Or 2: I end the relationship (which I have tried and failed to do) and she most likely will not get the chance to have children - ie: I rob her of motherhood.

I never meant to get myself into this situation. I never meant to do this to myself or her. But here I am and I'm afraid I can't live with the fear, guilt, stress and tension much longer. I feel that there is not safe place to turn to and that I've unredeamably f*cked life up.

I'm sorry for the massive story, but I just hate myself, am scared and don't know what to do.
 
That’s a lot to face. Anyone would feel stressed out in a situation like that. Have you checked out Pete Walkers book on CPTSD? He talks about cognitive distortions. Your fawning as a coping strategy opens you up to a number of cognitive distortions and I think if you started to see them you might have more options for how to interact.

I end the relationship (which I have tried and failed to do) and she most likely will not get the chance to have children - ie: I rob her of motherhood.
You have failed to do *so far*, but failing repeatedly is not a guarantee of never succeeding. And whoever made the rule that you are the only person who can impregnate her? I think you are very wise to hold off on doing that.

I was a fawner too and I didn’t understand why people who were close to me often got confused and angry with me. Wasn’t I doing everything I could to make them happy? But having no boundaries makes people nervous or predatory or other unstable and uncomfortable qualities. Fawning is a way to manipulate people into doing what you want them to, so you get pulled into manipulative dynamics.

It’s not your fault! You were conditioned to be that way. And you can practice new ways of interacting that might work with your partner if she’s willing to see you stand up for yourself. It’s not uncommon for partners to feel like you are abandoning them when you begin to let go of the game, so couples and individual therapy for each person can be a relationship saver with the right therapy dynamic.

There is hope. Change happens for people all the time. It’s a lot of work but you’ll be in like company here as you take on the challenge. The payoff of clean interactions is worth it.
 
Thanks OliveJewel,

I am listening to that book in audiobook form at the moment. I'm about 1/5 the way through. I don't think I've reached the part about cognitive distortions yet so I'm not exactly sure what they are.

I know I can change (if/when I get out) but I feel so, so sad and guilty about the hurt I would cause her. And it's not a temporary hurt, there's a very real and high chance she won't be able to have children unless we act now and freeze embryos (yes she could do that with someone else, but what are the chances of her meeting someone who wants to do that in such a small time span?).
 
Please do not bring children into this relationship. Children deserve a stable, happy home, and this would not be a healthy situation for them. I really cannot stress this enough.

You aren’t the one robbing her of motherhood. She is responsible for her own behavior which has lead her to this point.

But again, please do not bring a child into this situation. Honestly, I think that would be cruel.

You can either accept your partner as she is, or get out. These are your two choices.
 
Please do not bring children into this relationship. Children deserve a stable, happy home, and this would not be a healthy situation for them. I really cannot stress this enough.

You aren’t the one robbing her of motherhood. She is responsible for her own behavior which has lead her to this point.

But again, please do not bring a child into this situation. Honestly, I think that would be cruel.

You can either accept your partner as she is, or get out. These are your two choices.
I 100% agree with you, and have lost site of this perspective recently. Thank you for reminding me.
 
I think working out what you are responsible for and what you are not (her hopes and dreams and behaviour for example) might really help.

She sounds very controlling and manipulative. Does she ever apologise? Was she remorseful when she threw that object in the wall incident? Does she realise that this was abusive behaviour and she needs some therapy or deep internal work to change?
I'm just asking these questions, not for you to be responsible or even answer them, but to switch around the concept of responsibility.
I.e if she was less abusive you probably would both be parents now.

Leaving coercively controlling relationships is very hard. There is a lot of research out there that says it, on average, takes about 7 attempts.
 
I think working out what you are responsible for and what you are not (her hopes and dreams and behaviour for example) might really help.

She sounds very controlling and manipulative. Does she ever apologise? Was she remorseful when she threw that object in the wall incident? Does she realise that this was abusive behaviour and she needs some therapy or deep internal work to change?
I'm just asking these questions, not for you to be responsible or even answer them, but to switch around the concept of responsibility.
I.e if she was less abusive you probably would both be parents now.

Leaving coercively controlling relationships is very hard. There is a lot of research out there that says it, on average, takes about 7 attempts.
Thanks @Movingforward10,

I will answer the questions only because it does help me think.
  • Does she ever apologise? - Yes some times over the medium-sized incidents, but maybe only on 4 or 5 times a year. The times she does are very memorable.
  • Was she remorseful when she threw that object in the wall incident? - No. After she threw that, she grabbed her keys and drove off somewhere. So did I. She called me as I was driving and asked me, in a more subdued tone, to come back and talk. I did, but it was really just a more subdued version of the same argument.
  • Does she realise that this was abusive behaviour and she needs some therapy or deep internal work to change? - No, I would think she does not think that this is abusive behaviour at all. She is slightly aware she has a short-fuse due to anxiety and has gone to a therapist maybe 3 times for it in as long as we've been together.
Yeah, if she was less abusive - and I were less Fawning - we probably would have kids now. It's hard to know, though, where I stand with all of this. Am I partially to blame for encouraging and enabling her behaviour? Would she act this way with someone 'normal'? Am I getting the negetive feelings I deserve for stalling with the kids thing? It's hard to know what I should feel and what is a symptom of the C-PTSD.

7 times. It's a lot, but I kind of find that encouraging. This last weekend I "left" for the first time, 3 times in 24 hours. It was very hard and I failed, but if that's step 1 of 7 then I can at least think I've taken the first step forward.
 
I understand how hard it is to know how you think and feel. I think self abandonment, which fawning is a version of, creates a real mind mess in understanding what, at the core of you, you feel. The authenticity of you.

However she behaves, and however she may or may not behave with someone else, is her behaviour. You asking whether you enabled it is putting the responsibility on to you.
I see a car with the key in the ignition and no one around. I steal it. In your version, the person who left the key in the car enabled me to think about and act on stealing it. Or another way to look at it is: someone who cares about others would find the owner or walk away , anything but steal the car.
 
I never meant to get myself into this situation. I never meant to do this to myself or her.
life is what happens when we are busy making plans. ~john lennon

my hubs is the fawner in my partnership. i'm a flier. i never met a psycho snot knot i can't run from. if i can't run, i bet you already guessed that i will fight like a beaten crazy bitch wolf. fawning is almost beyond my capacity. proof not worth digging for, but i'll bet dollars to wishes that more than one member of his support network has diagnosed me as, "narcissitic" during our near-divorce patches. it is, after all, the most popular of the unlicensed dx'es in the soon-to-be-ex bashing sessions. my licensed pros disagree, but hubby's support network doesn't know nor care about such pesky details. personally, i feel like i'm bathing in lies and idle promises in the presence of fawning, be the fawner my partner, a sibling or an over-eager bureaucrat. by instinct, i can't run fast enough.

neither one of us chose the situation. neither of us specifically ordered up the DNA nor the life conditioning which make us who and what we are. it is what we have to work with, whether we ply the divorce solution or the therapy solution.
Only I don't really 100% mean it.
100% of anything is rare in both nature and science. for decisions as big as starting up a parenting career, i hold 100% certainty as a sign that you're not paying attention. it's a BIG job with lots of uncertainties attached. trust your honest instinct.
 
I found understanding "negative interaction cycles" really helpful for understanding dysfunction in a relationship.

I think we all have a natural "go to" whether that's fawn, fight or flight.

When we get into a dysfunctional cycle with a partner, we each go for the extremes of our natural "go to" response, at which point it a) stops being healthy for either of us and b) becomes a very dysfunctional relationship.

I started a thread on it here: Negative Interaction Cycles (according to EFT)

I agree with @EveHarrington that I would not bring children into a situation that's this dysfunctional and this unresolved.

If the situation is unhealthy for the 2 of you, then it's definitely unhealthy for children too.
 
I know I can change (if/when I get out) but I feel so, so sad and guilty about the hurt I would cause her.
The hurt YOU would cause HER? She is absolutely 100% responsible for what she says and does, and she doesn't deserve you.

Are you seeing a therapist? If it were me, I'd be setting the goal of getting out of the relationship asap. She is beyond abusive. And, as everyone else has said, PLEASE don't bring children into this mess. I grew up in a family like this, and it f*cked me up for the rest of my life.
 
The hurt YOU would cause HER? She is absolutely 100% responsible for what she says and does, and she doesn't deserve you.

Are you seeing a therapist? If it were me, I'd be setting the goal of getting out of the relationship asap. She is beyond abusive. And, as everyone else has said, PLEASE don't bring children into this mess. I grew up in a family like this, and it f*cked me up for the rest of my life.
Thanks @whiteraven,

Yes I am seeing a therapist. She diagnosed me with C-PTSD early on, which has been helpful to understand why I behave the way I do but also has made me feel a bit more stuck.

One thing I struggle with with therapy is knowing if they're just being nice or accommodating with me because of their job. E.G: when I tell my therapist about the issues in the relationship, she's only hearing my side of the story. I'm sure if she were talking to my partner she would have a totally different picture. So, it makes it hard to trust who's "more right" than the other.
 
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