Hi. I'm pretty new here and pretty new to having the diagnosis of C-PTSD. Sorry, this is a long one. Just don't know what else to do.
I'm in a dark place and feel like I can't get out. Furthermore I feel that with gaining clarity on my condition I've gained clarity on how I've hurt and am hurting people.
I feel like I can't:
She gets angry, often. She never says anything to explicit about me, but she is very, very critical. Whenever something minor happens in the house it's my fault. Chip in a cup - I must have been clumsy when washing the dishes. Late to an event - I must not have taken the best route to get there. Indoor plant is dying - I must have overwatered it. Stain on the sofa - I must have spilt something on it. It's a million little things that chip away at me (the look of disgust when I stop to tie my shoelace, or if I have allergy issues really hurts).
There's music. I love listening to music. A while back I spoiled myself and bought some high-quality Bose speakers, but literally every time I would sit down and put on a song it would be "that's too loud" or "what would the neighbours think", etc. I ended up packing the speakers up - they don't get used anymore.
Then there's a few bigger things. I "can't" play video games because "they're addictive and violent". There were times she's stormed out of the house all because I spent an hour quietly playing video games with friends during time I specifically set aside for it. Everytime I would play she would get angry, so I stopped playing (and for what its worth I'm not a gamer - I own 1 game on a hand-me-down PC mostly for the sake of just chatting and joking around with friends).
There was a moment I refer to as the "Wall Incident" which is a pretty good example of medium sized conflicts (maybe 2 to 3 times a month). There is a wall in our house that needs a new coat of paint. She wants to decide on what color to paint it - I'm fine with that, I don't really care. But one day I noticed a big mark on the wall where some of the original paint had scraped off, so I took a small tin of touch-up paint from the garage and painted over the mark. A quick fix to make an ugly wall slightly better. She came home whilst I was doing that and exploded. "Why are you painting the wall? We were going to paint it a new color! Why weren't you listening to me? Why aren't you respecting my opinion!" over and over again. This time I decided to stick to my guns and just repeated "I'm not repainting the entire wall, just fixing this small mark so it looks a little better whilst we decided what color to paint it". I tried hard not to Fawn and she just got angrier, and angrier, and angrier, and the 'argument' continued for hours until she threw a glass "towards me" (didn't hit) and stormed out and drove off somewhere.
All these things combined with my own C-PTSD Fawning habits have, over the years, destroyed me. I'm afraid to make any decision without her. I get stressed out when friends ask me to hang out because I feel I have to say no, otherwise she will be angry. I've given up hobbies, even the ones she approves of ("Don't you think X, Y and Z are more important than that right now?"). All I really feel like I do is household chores. When we argue I just collapse now, cower in the corner. I'm out of energy and will power to push back, and pushing back just makes it worse anyway. I've started hitting myself - like punching myself really hard in the arm and chest. I don't really know why I do it other than it's showing her "Look, you've beaten me. I'm hurting myself. Can't you see you've won? Please stop.". It's silly and immature, I know, and I hate doing it but I just don't have control over it.
This leads on to the really big thing: children. We don't have children, but we are both 38 and time is running out for her - the doctor says it's now or never. She wants to have kids and I... am open to it, but just can't with living with the above conditions. Obviously this has caused huge tension and arguments. To make matters worse, during these arguments I Fawn. I give in and say "OK, let start trying next month". Only I don't really 100% mean it. I just say it to stop the argument and tension and stress. In my brain I know it's wrong to lie and lead her one, but my body is screaming "just say this, survive the night and we'll come up with a plan to deal with it tomorrow".
I hate that I do this. As many issues she has, it's wrong of me to lead her on. Like anyone else she deserves the chance of having a family, and I feel I'm preventing her from doing this by lying. Since my diagnoses and understanding of C-PTSD Fawning I have tried harder to tell the truth but with the intensity of the arguments I always end up Fawning and compromising. I feel like I've put myself in a position where I have 2 evils to choose from. 1: We have children and I commit myself to a life I don't want that is (quite literally) probably going to kill me. Or 2: I end the relationship (which I have tried and failed to do) and she most likely will not get the chance to have children - ie: I rob her of motherhood.
I never meant to get myself into this situation. I never meant to do this to myself or her. But here I am and I'm afraid I can't live with the fear, guilt, stress and tension much longer. I feel that there is not safe place to turn to and that I've unredeamably f*cked life up.
I'm sorry for the massive story, but I just hate myself, am scared and don't know what to do.
I'm in a dark place and feel like I can't get out. Furthermore I feel that with gaining clarity on my condition I've gained clarity on how I've hurt and am hurting people.
I feel like I can't:
- Get out of the situation that is exacerbating my C-PTSD symptoms without causing more damage
- Reconcile the damage I've caused people in the past
- Ever live a 'normal' life
She gets angry, often. She never says anything to explicit about me, but she is very, very critical. Whenever something minor happens in the house it's my fault. Chip in a cup - I must have been clumsy when washing the dishes. Late to an event - I must not have taken the best route to get there. Indoor plant is dying - I must have overwatered it. Stain on the sofa - I must have spilt something on it. It's a million little things that chip away at me (the look of disgust when I stop to tie my shoelace, or if I have allergy issues really hurts).
There's music. I love listening to music. A while back I spoiled myself and bought some high-quality Bose speakers, but literally every time I would sit down and put on a song it would be "that's too loud" or "what would the neighbours think", etc. I ended up packing the speakers up - they don't get used anymore.
Then there's a few bigger things. I "can't" play video games because "they're addictive and violent". There were times she's stormed out of the house all because I spent an hour quietly playing video games with friends during time I specifically set aside for it. Everytime I would play she would get angry, so I stopped playing (and for what its worth I'm not a gamer - I own 1 game on a hand-me-down PC mostly for the sake of just chatting and joking around with friends).
There was a moment I refer to as the "Wall Incident" which is a pretty good example of medium sized conflicts (maybe 2 to 3 times a month). There is a wall in our house that needs a new coat of paint. She wants to decide on what color to paint it - I'm fine with that, I don't really care. But one day I noticed a big mark on the wall where some of the original paint had scraped off, so I took a small tin of touch-up paint from the garage and painted over the mark. A quick fix to make an ugly wall slightly better. She came home whilst I was doing that and exploded. "Why are you painting the wall? We were going to paint it a new color! Why weren't you listening to me? Why aren't you respecting my opinion!" over and over again. This time I decided to stick to my guns and just repeated "I'm not repainting the entire wall, just fixing this small mark so it looks a little better whilst we decided what color to paint it". I tried hard not to Fawn and she just got angrier, and angrier, and angrier, and the 'argument' continued for hours until she threw a glass "towards me" (didn't hit) and stormed out and drove off somewhere.
All these things combined with my own C-PTSD Fawning habits have, over the years, destroyed me. I'm afraid to make any decision without her. I get stressed out when friends ask me to hang out because I feel I have to say no, otherwise she will be angry. I've given up hobbies, even the ones she approves of ("Don't you think X, Y and Z are more important than that right now?"). All I really feel like I do is household chores. When we argue I just collapse now, cower in the corner. I'm out of energy and will power to push back, and pushing back just makes it worse anyway. I've started hitting myself - like punching myself really hard in the arm and chest. I don't really know why I do it other than it's showing her "Look, you've beaten me. I'm hurting myself. Can't you see you've won? Please stop.". It's silly and immature, I know, and I hate doing it but I just don't have control over it.
This leads on to the really big thing: children. We don't have children, but we are both 38 and time is running out for her - the doctor says it's now or never. She wants to have kids and I... am open to it, but just can't with living with the above conditions. Obviously this has caused huge tension and arguments. To make matters worse, during these arguments I Fawn. I give in and say "OK, let start trying next month". Only I don't really 100% mean it. I just say it to stop the argument and tension and stress. In my brain I know it's wrong to lie and lead her one, but my body is screaming "just say this, survive the night and we'll come up with a plan to deal with it tomorrow".
I hate that I do this. As many issues she has, it's wrong of me to lead her on. Like anyone else she deserves the chance of having a family, and I feel I'm preventing her from doing this by lying. Since my diagnoses and understanding of C-PTSD Fawning I have tried harder to tell the truth but with the intensity of the arguments I always end up Fawning and compromising. I feel like I've put myself in a position where I have 2 evils to choose from. 1: We have children and I commit myself to a life I don't want that is (quite literally) probably going to kill me. Or 2: I end the relationship (which I have tried and failed to do) and she most likely will not get the chance to have children - ie: I rob her of motherhood.
I never meant to get myself into this situation. I never meant to do this to myself or her. But here I am and I'm afraid I can't live with the fear, guilt, stress and tension much longer. I feel that there is not safe place to turn to and that I've unredeamably f*cked life up.
I'm sorry for the massive story, but I just hate myself, am scared and don't know what to do.