Attachment and boundaries

[finding_my_way]

I know this topic has been posted A LOT, but it's such a strong experience, I need to post it again.

I have been working with my therapist for a number of years with some months off (by accident) and one year where she decided against working with me; and now we work over the phone, 2000 miles apart.

At first, I barely spoke, and she encouraged me to email her daily. So I did, and it helped me cope with everything that was happening. She rarely responded, and when she did, it was brief just to say she received the e-mails. Some days, though, she printed them, highlighted them, and brought them to sessions. It was a toss up based on what was happening in her life, but sending her the thoughts helped.

I became very attached to her in our time together, so much so that my thoughts were always about her. I googled her and searched her on facebook repeatedly (she knows all of this; I am very honest with her these days).

And now, she has told me I can no longer e-mail her. I understand FULLY where she is coming from; she crossed a therapeutic boundary by allowing those e-mails and actually inviting them. But she doesn't say anything more about how to handle my dependency or what to do with how much I miss her (our sessions are about 20-30 days apart due to finances). I am simply at a loss with how to get through this feeling of dependency, and how to go about this drastic change in communication. Any tips for how you have dealt with missing/constantly thinking about/dependency on your therapist?

Thanks in advance!!!!

 

[NightSky]

Did she give you a reason for the sudden change? I hate hearing these stories about how T's change what's "allowed" after a time of inviting it. I feel like a boundary is a boundary and those shouldn't change. If you crossed a line and she pulled it back that's different. Or if what you were doing was ultimately causing you more difficulty then maybe there needs to be a mutual agreement about what's reasonable. But to go from daily to not at all? You say you understand where she's coming from, but I wouldn't.
And since you say you've been really honest with her, can you ask her these questions? I'm not very good at navigating the whole attachment/dependency thing yet with my T. But if she changed things like that I would have to have a good long talk about it. And in that talk I would ask her how I could manage the in between times.
Do you have a support system in place? If so I would say invest in those people gradually so that those become the relationships that sustain you, along with the theurapuetic relationship with your T.
Easier said than done, I know.
I'm sorry she pulled the rug out from under you, so to speak.

 

[finding_my_way]

@NightSky thank you so much for replying. Having someone out there really makes a difference. She didn't actually give a reason. She has been through a lot of personal changes - her mother's death, a public dispute with her sister - and that has changed her boundaries quite a bit. I know most therapists wouldn't have been so generous at the onset, so I am grateful for what she offered me, but the sudden transition has just been incredibly difficult, especially since she didn't even spend a minute talking about how to change from these daily e-mails. Actually, she told me to not e-mail in a text message after our appointment. I will ask her these questions, but she is also not super reliable with scheduling, so I'm not quite sure when the next appointment will be. She is truly an incredible therapist, though, so I will definitely follow through with that conversation you suggessted. Ah, and a support system... I do have to start building one of those :p

 

[Suzetig]

She is truly an incredible therapist, though, so I will definitely follow through with that conversation you suggessted.

The part about her being a truly incredible therapist just doesn't tie in with her blurred and movable boundaries, much less significantly reducing support via text message, or being unreliable about scheduling.

In your shoes I would email her saying that it's not ok for her to move things without discussion and firming up your next appointment time with her. If she's been ok up until now, you deserve an explanation for the change and some support to make the transition.

 

[finding_my_way]

Haha @Suzetig you are so right. I am giving her a lot of credit and letting a lot of flaws slide by. Probably because I'm aware of my flaws as a client :p I spoke with her today and she did clarify a few things. She wants me to try to not email, but her threat to drop me as a client if I do email is not 100% accurate. She understands the transition. And I think I'll bring up consistency the next time we talk. Boundaries are okay, but you are right, I do deserve consistent boundaries.

 

[NightSky]

Did she give you a reason she wants you to try not to email?