Attachment And Detachment Issues ?

[J_trustno1]

Do you also shake people away when they come near you?

Lets say you have a good friend of the opposite gender and they are being supportive, you start doubting them and thinking they want something out of you. Then you become rude and tell them straight that they are eying on since you are of an opposite gender?

I have this happen to me most of the time. It all comes from several years of abuse and coming across the wrong type of guys that I can't even distinguish the good people from bad. It is like a trigger to me because I feel how could someone be too nice to me without actually wanting something?

After being rude, i tend to feel guilty of my actions and I try undoing the damage I have done earlier by saying sorry constantly and feeling bad for my actions.

Is there anyone else who feels the same? How on earth will I learn to control my rudeness?

I don't even know if this trusting issue. Seriously, I am damn lost what I am doing. I can't even trust my own mother because when she starts helping me I doubt her too. I am having trouble trusting a lot of people especially the opposite gender.

Lastly, I feel deceived when someone is nice to me because I have been treated like garbage my entire life so it is very difficult to believe the good treatment. I find it difficult to believe if I am actually worthy of anything.

All suggestions are welcomed. Thanks.

 

[Blink]

This is how I feel. I am very harsh on men, even ones who have been there for me. The second they say a sexual innuendo or whatnot I become hard on them. After all it could be a good guy just being a guy.

I'm still trying to figure things out but I've found it best to be as forward as possible with the least details as possible. If a guy starts talking to me I try to assume he's just being friendly and keep it friendly. If he comes on stronger I honestly say I'm probably not ready for a relationship.

I really only answer what they ask. If they ask why I usually just say a bad relationship. I've developed a sort of system where I test my surrounding bit by bit to open up a little more each time.

I know how you feel about some being too nice. I was taught extensive warning signs to look for. Some can be easily confused with someone just trying to be nice or interested or even protective.

I honestly think happiness and the confidence to do whatever makes you happy attracts the right people. Since abusers tend to look for people who are easy to manipulate.

Maybe some ground rules and limits just need to be set for the people around you. Taking things very slow is the best way to go.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Blink Thanks. I'll keep this in mind. I've been very confused about it lately. That was very helpful :)

 

[Philippa]

It's a very common thing unfortunately.

I remember when I was young I met a lot of people who behaved the way you describe and I could never work out why being nice was perceived as being so fake and people thinking I wanted something, when all I wanted was to get to know them and be friends. I was too trusting...they weren't trusting enough. It's tragic that abuse does this to people. It closes them off from having normal relationships. Not everyone is out to get you trustno1. It's hard to trust though, I can understand why you are this way.

I think with the not trusting people being nice to you because you've been treated like garbage...it is something that will take time and effort to build new neural pathways, and learning to build your self-worth and self-esteem is not easy when you don't believe you deserve to be worthy. Small steps I think.

Therapists would suggest making a list and even if you can only think of 5 things, do your best to come up with 5 things you can say about yourself that are positive and good qualities. If you do this as much as possible, and it's not easy for most people to do...but you can eventually start to convince yourself that you do have many fine qualities, despite what your inner critic may be spewing at you to the contrary...and one day it will become second nature that you just are able to counter act any negative thoughts you have about yourself, and replace them with the positives that you see in your daily life...but you really need to take notice of the things you do in your daily life, that are good and make you a great person, a successful person...even if it's just really small things that seem insignificant...like being able to make a nice meal that you made up and invented all yourself...or being able to help an old lady onto a bus, or things you ordinarily wouldn't notice.

 

[marylouise]

"I love you. Go away." There's even a book about this kind of behavior.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Jess,
I just want to say that I think you will be able to tackle this issue a bit more fully when you're away from your family. Right now you're living with them and so you're still under their influence (even if the negative behavior has improved since you were younger). It took me a few years of being away from my mother before I was able to see things a bit more objectively in terms of not being negative all the time and not taking everything so personally.

Maybe self talk would help you right now? (I seem to be on a big self talk kick right now...well, its helping me a lot!) Maybe you could look at the friends you've made here on the forum. I know you are in chat quite a bit, and just from what I've seen, there are other members, male members included, who truly care about you and don't want anything from you (myself included, although of course I'm not a guy LOL). Sometimes it takes just a little seed to be planted in your head to show you "hey, not all people are bad and want to use me or want something from me!" And once this idea is in your head, no matter how small it is, or even if the negative thoughts still override it, you can start to expand this thinking toward other people. You can start by "testing" other relationships to see if other people are trustworthy. And I don't mean "testing" in a bad way, as some people are *constantly* testing others and that's not a good thing, but testing in the sense of pushing yourself forward and taking a leap of faith to entrust someone else with something about yourself, and then when you see that they have not betrayed you or tried to use you for something, you can say "hey, this person can be trusted so far, maybe now I can try to trust them a little bit more!"

Trust is DEFINITELY something that is built up over time. I know I have been working on my trust issues for years, and while I'm nowhere near being fully trusting, I am a heck of a lot better than I was before. I think its great that you've been able to recognize your trust issues and you have a desire to change. If you work on it, then yes, things will improve over time. (Just don't put yourself on a deadline, as this issue can take a while to work through!)

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara thanks for this reply :hug:s. You know how useful your suggestion are? I really value the reply you give to my questions and you also have very good sense of humor so never ever feel bad about anything. We all have our issues and problems and that does not make any of us bad. Thanks for the feedback and i will try implementing it. I am also starting therapy next Friday in hope to get something out of it.

Thanks to everyone who read this thread and tried helping.