Attachment And Touch

[Pencil]

believe it or not this is what I was getting at in your other thread when I talked about transformation in the present rather than working on the issues as they were in the past. It's also why I was reluctant to give examples of what that meant for me, because I think we're very different. I would run a mile from this sort of stuff, for example, but it sounds like something you want to run towards.

No, I do believe - I sort of had that feeling, but at that point in that thread I was battling to express myself.

My question is - what action are you now taking towards this?

Nothing as yet. I am afraid of it as much as I need it. At this point I have to find out if there is a therapist who works like this, but the bottom line is that I still can't afford therapy. But I've been trying to get the names of therapists so that when I am able to, I know where to go. Nothing so far.

 

[Pencil]

@Hashi - let's check with Hope4Now first - the next step is something that might just as well belong here.

 

[Hashi]

@Pencil, I do think I'd be taking Hope4Now's thread off topic if I responded again here. I've posted in your other thread and am going to do that again now. See you over there if you want.

 

[Hope4Now]

Let me know if you want me to post you a link. I told the therapist that there will, in time, be a term / diagnosis for people like me / us.

I started a thread on this topic shortly after joining this forum https://www.myptsd.com/threads/touch-physical-holding.28941/ I really admire your honesty and openness about this issue.

Yes, please! Or you can post it in the other thread. I have never been on a forum before so am still trying to figure out how it works and how long threads continue and how people are supposed to talk to each other. I would love to keep talking about this as it is becoming really clear to me that I'm not going to get very far in healing unless I figure out how to meet this need.

I get really hysterical when people tell me to 'self-care' / mother myself. To me that is like a blood transfusion with your own blood, or being your own kidney donor.

YES! This is what my therapist keeps telling me to do. Tune into that "infant" part of myself and tell it that I am here/will take care of it/keep it safe and warm. He suggested I hold something that symbolizes the young part of me. (This young part of me is coming out as terrified/shaking energy that has no memory associated with it, only deep neediness for safe holding for long time.) So after I talked myself out of how insanely ridiculous this sounded, I tried it. It worked for about 30 seconds and then some other ugly mean part of me came in and destroyed the whole the whole attempt. I keep trying (it has only been about 2 weeks since he suggested this activity). I CANNOT re-parent myself. There is something missing in me that won't let me do it, or the deep soul/self part of me (that we all have somewhere in us) is so inaccessible and encrusted with all this other s&*t that it cannot come forward.

Having people tell me to do this FEELS like I am being abandoned all over again and causes all kinds of awful ugly feelings inside me...like "what's wrong with me," "nobody will ever love me," "I am utterly alone and on my own," and "better for me if I were dead." But I won't kill myself because I have too many people depending upon me and I have a super-hyperdeveloped responsibility for and empathy for others. Just can't get there for myself. It is as if I don't exist except to meet others' needs. So when I am told to "self-care" and to "reparent" I feel like screaming "I have NO IDEA how to do this!" I mean I get it intellectually, I just can't do it.

There are some therapies out there (Hakomi, neuro-affective I think) that do this, or say they do it, but there's nobody where I live.

If you're willing, maybe we can keep talking about this. Just knowing there is someone else struggling with this makes me feel less ashamed by it. Thank you.

 

[Pencil]

I don't mean no-one should ever talk or think through anything. I think that definitely has a place, and it has been very important to me.

I agree with this. But, I don't necessarily want to take a talking tour through my past.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Hashi and @Pencil I don't feel hijacked, but I appreciate your being sensitive to that. I am just excited that people want to talk about this. I don't quite understand how the rules of forums work. I could join in the other thread if that's what to do?

I have to go now...about to get retraumatised yet again with my mother. Have to spend the afternoon with her because we are selling her condominium in order to pay for the assisted living where she is. It is going to be awful because we have to go through all her stuff, clothing, pictures, etc. to see what she wants to keep. And she will ask me for the thousandth time, "Are you all better now?" and "I don't understand what is wrong with you." Ugh. I think I may have to do some voluntary dissociation to get through. Last time I saw her I vomited for an hour after I got home. Ugh again. Wish me strength and courage.

 

[Pencil]

If you're willing, maybe we can keep talking about this. Just knowing there is someone else struggling with this makes me feel less ashamed by it. Thank you.

Here's my response:

If you're willing, maybe we can keep talking about this. Just knowing there is someone else struggling with this makes me feel less ashamed by it. Thank you.

 

[Pencil]

I could join in the other thread if that's what to do?

YES.

Re this afternoon Good luck and a strong stomach. In the mean time I'll post here. :)

 

[Pencil]

I CANNOT re-parent myself

Of course not.

(I know there are members who will disagree. That's fine.)

Here's an excerpt from an email from a psychologist:


"Yes I absolutely understand your need for mothering and touch. If we haven’t experienced it, we can’t give it to ourselves. The community of therapists is very hesitant even suspicious about physical contact and the need for nurturing. It is such a shame. There are many people in your position. When I first did the research, I received many comments and emails of people who were arguing and struggling with therapists about what they needed in therapy.
It is always important to keep looking for a therapist who can provide what you need. It is just that the interviewing process becomes too hard on our emotions and self.

Managing basic lack from childhood by yourself with yourself is impossible. I am very apologetic for my professional community that they are so lacking in care, logic and respect. I wonder what they have done with their own woundings that they repeat it with others."

 

[Pencil]

There are some therapies out there (Hakomi, neuro-affective I think) that do this, or say they do it, but there's nobody where I live.

I would never go for any of those - they are still 'top down' instead of 'from the bottom up' - they still require the adult to be present. I need the adult to leave.

Read more about it before you make a decision.

 

[Hashi]

I don't quite understand how the rules of forums work. I could join in the other thread if that's what to do?

Of course. You can join any thread. :) It's here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/attachment-in-therapy-another-thread.40000/page-7

The reason I was worried was that I'm not discussing touch - which is what you started this thread about - but I wanted to relate what Pencil said to a different discussion we'd already been having about "categories" of therapy and possible prevarication around therapy. If this had been Pencil's thread then talking about related things would have been different. But I suddenly realised it wasn't her thread and I don't want to talk about touch at all, so it really did seem a bit off topic.

 

[Hashi]

@Hope4Now, hope it went OK with your mother.