Attachment In Therapy - Another Thread

[Pencil]

but if you don't have the 'skillset' to adequately utilize the knowledge, it is just going to sit there and cause more problems,

I often wondered if this was not the problem in my case. She is SO 'correct'. I KNOW she cares. She shows with every email that she cares. She never makes a mistake. But she never does the right thing either - don't know how to explain it.

 

[Pencil]

Let me give an example.

I've been sneaking the rug out under the child (although without consciously realizing I was doing what you said, Ninja ) by simply focusing on other things and not contacting her. Today I got an email with the reassurance that she is still there. Oh, wow. I sent her email saying that I need to put everything that happened since my meltdown behind me, but that I didn't want to make decisions / statements about it. She responded with 'It's fine'. Of course I know it is 'fine'. It is my decision and she can't sway me in any direction. I know all these things. I know that her response is according to the book. But I often felt defeated by the book. There is no scope for me to tell her WHY.

Edit: No, of course there is scope for me to tell her why. She won't complain if I send her a 20 page email with an explanation. But I'll feel foolish for sending her a 20 word explanation - because whatever I feel or do is 'fine'.

:banghead: I just can't express myself clearly on this thread. From Monday I will really be homeless. I don't want her to know. I need to focus on survival. I'm in a terrible state. And it is all 'fine'. But what else can I reasonably expect her to say? Nothing, I know. So what am I holding on to?

:depressed:

 

[ninja]

@Pencil Good question. Hmm... I'm pretty sure I was re-enacting and they fed into it for one reason or another, mistaking it for 'getting it out'. So the alliance was built off of a previously existing relationship I had. When I re-enact with my current T, she is able to refuse it in a way that is both validating and caring... I think because I ultimately feel protected when I'm with her. She is very thoughtful with where she decides to 'put' herself, so she is very much 'there' (and more than that), but definitely not in the way. I hope this makes sense. I'm going to think about it a little more..

Edit to add:

There is no scope for me to tell her WHY.

This resonates with me deeply... knowledge can't compensate for emotional 'presence'.

 

[Pencil]

JUst reaized something. I'm SO ashamed of the child - not the behaviour because I don't act out - but the emotions. I need someone who will not make me feel MORE ashamed - the way she does. But she doesn't even know she's doing it. Often I felt like just sitting in a ball and sobbing, while we were talking talking talking. Often the child was nearly hysterical - while we talked so rationally. I was too afraid to say it, because I was afraid she'd want to TALK about how the child wanted to feel safe and protected and exactly how loudly she wanted to bawl.

 

[Pencil]

@Ninja - can I ask you a question - and please don't hesitate to tell me if you can't or don't want to answer this -

The therapist always sends me back to myself. She makes statements such as 'When you feel needy, be kind to yourself'. 'Befriend the pain of unmet needs'. These and similar statements prompted me to ask her: 'Why do I need to attach to you, then? Why not take a shortcut straight back to myself. For when I'm by myself, I don't feel needy, I don't feel unmet needs, I don't feel insecure. I have looked after myself all my life. If this is the end result of therapy, why do I need to try to attach to you just to be gently prodded back to myself - to do what I've always done? '. She never answered.

My question remains: What am I missing?

 

[Pencil]

There is something in me that absolutely terrified of being alone with the child when the lid comes off. I am NOT equipped to deal with her. Being kind to myself is not what is required.

 

[ninja]

can I ask you a question

I'm not sure I really know the answer. I suspect this might be the leap of faith bit. ;)

 

[Pencil]

leap of faith

That is in fact the answer! She's always made it very clear that I would have to catch myself!! Thank you!!

 

[Valentino]

JUst reaized something. I'm SO ashamed of the child - not the behaviour because I don't act out - but the emotions. I need someone who will not make me feel MORE ashamed - the way she does. But she doesn't even know she's doing it. Often I felt like just sitting in a ball and sobbing, while we were talking talking talking. Often the child was nearly hysterical - while we talked so rationally. I was too afraid to say it, because I was afraid she'd want to TALK about how the child wanted to feel safe and protected and exactly how loudly she wanted to bawl.

Bingo!!! wow...you got it... but I don't know if you realize how clear you're seeing things!

Therapists and society over-use shame, consciously, unconsciously, directly and indirectly.

The shame is a judgement placed upon you to not let you feel or express emotions unfiltered!

This is so pervasive in society that people don't even notice this constant underlying shame that's wound within the process of socialization...

Anyway.... I would disagree with the theory that the child is sitting in a ball sobbing 'because' it wants to feel 'safe and protected.'

That's actually the 'rescuing/enabling the victim' effect that's continuing the trap the hurt emotions in the nervous system.

I think the child wants to simply have a companion there that WILL NOT freak out, stay calm, be present and simply honor the child going through intense grief. Also the companion is there to be a shoulder to cry on, to lean on, to ear to listen to help the child sort through the feelings. Realize and reflect back that the child is feeling something absolutely normal, and it's absolutely acceptable that the child is human and has normal feelings of broken-ness, helplessness, and hopelessness.

Or to be able to consciously and honestly bear witness to another person's raw suffering.

Parents don't have patience to do this, instead they use shame to force children to limit or stop feeling and expressing their own feelings. This directly causes unresolved emotions. The more abusive parents use violence, psychological attack or over-react with excessive shame, adding wounds and more confusion on top of unresolved trapped emotions.

The therapist always sends me back to myself. She makes statements such as 'When you feel needy, be kind to yourself'. 'Befriend the pain of unmet needs'.

This might simply be the therapist is trying to talk to her own inner child. She's using you as a projection for herself. Her inner child might be asking for this type attention. She hasn't fully heard you to recognize that your inner child has other needs.

 

[Pencil]

I think the child wants to simply have a companion there that WILL NOT freak out, stay calm, be present and simply honor the child going through intense grief. Also the companion is there to be a shoulder to cry on, to lean on, to ear to listen to help the child sort through the feelings. Realize and reflect back that the child is feeling something absolutely normal, and it's absolutely acceptable that the child is human and has normal feelings of broken-ness, helplessness, and hopelessness.

YES!!! But add a bit of caring. Throw a bit of maternal attention in. Or am I asking too much?

 

[Rumors]

Pencil,
You know when you are trying to explain to J why something is the way it is and she looks at you like you have 12 eyes? Can you see yourself doing the same thing when it comes to complex adult/childhood issues? You are an extremely intelligent adult that can take care of herself when dealing with survival issues. However, when dealing with things that are about nurturing, you are like a deer in headlights (please know my phrasing is with the deepest respect and I include myself in this ideology;) ). It is like you are trying to teach yourself calculus when you haven't learned algebra yet.

I don't know about the T you are emailing with. If she makes you feel anxious, scared, unfulfilled you should do something different. However, as you move forward, I really urge you TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!! You need to understand that these are things that you have never learned therefore you have to be patient and kind and open yourself up to learning. As you realize your unmet needs, acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel whatever sadness or anger that moves you. If it is the rage of a child, ok!!!

I need to practice what I am preaching here... Sending good thoughts and positive vibes. My biggest concern is that you are having issues with living conditions. Hang in there.

 

[Valentino]

There, you get it, you're giving the inner child a voice! It's wants and it's very CLEARLY stated needs.

A judgment of whether you are asking too much is a subtle form of shame.

As you get to know the inner child more, you can more clearly know it's needs. Then you can try to provide for it yourself, but also find a therapist or friends who can better help meet those needs.