Avoidance or healthy choice?

[7Cs]

My youngest sister is getting married.
For the last year or so I have made the choice not to go to "family" events unless they are at my aunt and uncles or my other sisters. If I go to my bio parents I get weirdly emotional and "little" and unwanted even though they give me no reason in the moment to feel that way other than simply being emotionally distant.. I was not raised by them, met them when I was 18. After trying to bond I've found it's just not possible. I'm not close to the sister at all and nearly never talk or see her.

I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm not sure if my motivation not to go is healthy, avoidance or selfish (like normal people not wanting to go to weddings). Possibly self-alienation?

On the other hand my abandonment, rejection issues are also afraid to not go in fear of further alienation and rejection.

We're also coming upon my "bad time" of the year and I'm already seeing signs of decomp and don't want to exacerbate my symptoms with undo stress.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We're also coming upon my "bad time" of the year and I'm already seeing signs of decomp and don't want to exacerbate my symptoms with undo stress.

I think from what all you shared here, this alone is a valid reason not to go. It is just not a good time for you at all is it? I think you are going to be okay.

 

[ladee]

I feel that the word 'avoidance' is thrown around in a negative context a lot of time... if you don't want to go, don't go... you are very aware of what it would take to protect yourself, and it's not worth it... and if you are coming up on your bad time... you need every ounce of energy and focus you have to take care of yourself.... you really do come first now.. it's not avoidance,it's self preservation.... trust yourself. And take care of yourself.... gentle hugs

 

[Beemo3780]

I have found a huge difference between what is healthy to avoid, and what ends up making my social anxiety worse. Avoiding family functions is one of the healthier things I can do for myself. If I don't want to go, I don't go. Most of the time if I show up, I leave really angry, or I stay and I double down on my defensiveness. I would suggest that if you don't want to go to your sister's wedding, don't. That's her day.

I can't avoid people in general, which I'm happier avoiding them all together, but if I do so too long, my anxiety spirals out of control just trying to do simple things. That's the unhealthy avoidence. I've been forcing myself to hang out with friends more often and going out with my husband more.

 

[Cannottakethis]

It doesn't sound like this is a typical sister's wedding. You aren't close. This isn't a family you grew up with.
I totally get the abandonment issues. I'm adopted and no longer have any relationship with any of my bio or adopted family.

You said you tried to bond and it didn't happen.
You said they are emotionally distant.
You said you aren't close with your sister and hardly talk to her.

It sounds like you're deciding whether to go to the wedding of an acquaintance, not a family member.

Plus your bad time of year is starting.

Why would you go?
Would you have a good time?

This is a situation where you are in total control. My opinion is that you don't have to go. It's not a true family obligation, if there is such a thing. It sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives and why stress yourself out needlessly. Send a card, a small gift if you feel like it and thank her for inviting you.

 

[7Cs]

I'm literally in tears from reading your supportive replies. I just want to say thank you.
For the understanding and validation. <3. @Rain @ladee, @Beemo3780, @Cannottakethis

 

[EveHarrington]

I wouldn't go either.

There's no bond.

What's the point?

As an aside I think weddings in general are ridiculous when it's like the mother in laws bankers sisters best friend has to be invited as to not create bad vibes. Very slight exaggeration, but my point is that I'd only feel comfortable going to a wedding if I was close to the person. I don't understand why everyone you've ever been acquainted with in your whole life as well as everyone your close family has been acquainted with as well has to be invited. You're not close, don't feel bad if you don't go.