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Avoidant breakup

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Sarar150

Hi everyone!

Recently just had a breakup from 5+ year relationship. Now learnt that I am an anxious attachment and he is avoidant attachment. He never sat me down and ended it, just pulled out of him one night that he was unhappy. In the next few days whilst trying to have conversations to see if this was fixable or to go our separate ways his reasons whilst valid, weren’t proper reasons. 5 days after the initial announcement I pulled from him that he had been talking to another girl for a couple months and had slept with her a day or two after what he considered the day we broke up. Although I’d never met this girl I knew it was her (women’s intuition?), she followed me on social media and had been watching me for a long time and knew we were together. She also was seeing one of his best friends a few months prior. Obviously didn’t take this well and tried to move out as quickly as possible but unfortunately years of belongings and many animals made life much harder. Going forward he would not accept that he had cheated as in his eyes he didn’t sleep with her until after, even though they are now seeing each other so the chatting whilst we were together must of been more that chatting. I still have to go there every day to tend to the animals and when he would see me he would try make conversation like nothing had happened. A few days ago a phone call turned into a 4 hour long heart to heart that was very deep and upsetting. He is usually very emotionally distant due to losing his mother a few years ago and when they going gets tough just shuts down or works himself into the ground. In the heart to heart he said he was wrong, he shouldn’t of done it, he messed up, threw it all away, didn’t know why he did it or why he was doing it and that he didn’t love her or know why he was still doing it. That evening and the next day he was back to the old person he once used to be who listened and talked. Then the walls went back up. Another phone call a few days after that ended with him saying he didn’t know why he said those things and that he said them as he didn’t want to hurt me more (I never forced him to say it, nor did I think people could lie when in such a vulnerable state) and that there might be a future with her and he doesn’t know if he loves her.

Obviously this is all very upsetting to hear and I have now gone no contact though still see him most days when I go to tend to the animals. I feel like he’s on his way to a breakdown and jumped into a rebound as a way to suppress his feelings. I’m struggling how to process this going forward and how to move forwards in general. I have a strong sense of unfinished business that I don’t understand and can’t seem to shake. Any help appreciated
 
his reasons whilst valid, weren’t proper reasons.
Any reason is a proper reason to break up. Just because you don't agree with his reasons doesn't mean anything is unfinished. Just the opposite - you both sound extremely finished. Accept and move on.
 
Which of you has PTSD?
His mother died of cancer several years ago. I don’t think he ever fully processed the grief, just pushes it away

Any reason is a proper reason to break up. Just because you don't agree with his reasons doesn't mean anything is unfinished. Just the opposite - you both sound extremely finished. Accept and move on.
Sorry I don’t think I wrote that the right way. The reasons he gave me were valid in the sense that that is how he felt etc and I understood that. But he was just randomly thinking of any little things that came to mind, later I then found out about the other person.

Also when I said about unfinished business, it wasn’t necessarily that we were to get back together etc, just that there is this weird feeling that won’t go away that I can’t explain
 
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