Avoiding , Denying Not Dealing With Anything !

[Jane.l]

Hi lovely people - I haven't posted here for a while. I am finding it more comfortable to try and block everything out .

I feel stuck in therapy - we have been working on a flashback and we had a great session a few months ago where I actually managed to talk about this flashback a little which was a huge achievement for me and I thought I'd turned a corner but since then it's been all down hill. Weeks of being suicidal and hopeless - not eating - drinking . I feel slightly more in control at the moment but my T has given me homework to rewrite my flashback which is currently written in past tense , into present tense with some of the changes and additions we've discussed in session but I just can't . The only way I seem to be able to stay stable is to avoid anything that feels bad .

My T is gently pushing me and as much I know he's right it's somehow messing up my trust issues with him . I feel I am going backwards and don't know what to do . I feel more messed up than ever.

 

[PureDogs]

There are times I would avoid specific topics with my T because of painful to remember. Not just that, afraid to do that.

Reason - my former T encourage me to open up about my ex and did not think I would do it but I did.

I went see my former T about this and I wept. However, it didn't go past because it never bring up again afterwards.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm working on two linked traumas in trauma therapy right now. I've been having a lot of symptoms too. I have my next session today.

I don't want to go, but I will go. Because every single traumatic memory I face down in therapy is a trauma I finally defeat.

Lousy as they are, after all, just memories. Unpleasant, frustrating, terrifying...once I face them down by talking it out, they no longer have any control over my nervous system any more. Then just become a part of my past, without the ability to highjack my functioning in the present.

So I'm going today, and I'm determined to let it all hang out. Because I am not going to let those abusers steal another minute of my life if I can help it.

The only way out is through. Truly. But you were not destroyed by your trauma, and you already possess everything you need to survive the retelling. ...and when you do, you will be amazed and proud of yourself for what you have already overcome.

Be gentle with yourself, pamper every whim you have as you heal from this injury that was done to you. You deserve it!

 

[Rumors]

I am glad I read that, Bloom. Feeling pretty ragged out from the same and needed some positive thinking. Thanks

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks Bloom you are right the only way is through. I hope your session went well today. I have a session tomorrow but I think we are just going to focus on how to get things done, just hope I can talk and not freeze , I have a few ideas on why I am feeling so stuck . Which will be good to talk about if I can stay in the present.

I really want a break from this - would be so nice to just switch it off for a while - have a holiday from it and come back feeling stronger and ready to do battle with it - not going to happen - just so tired fighting .

 

[BloomInWinter]

I can relate to both of you. If only the symptoms could be kicked out of the house.

When I'm dissociating we step back and do grounding to get me back "in the room." Even though I still "leave" at times, just showing up makes it a win. I no longer describe it as "stuck" as that implies some lack of motivation.

Really, there's times I just need to adjust to my "new normal" for days to weeks. It's like hitting a plateau on a difficult climb up a treacherous mountain. There's nothing wrong with taking in the new view, resting to evaluate our progress, and evaluating the best way to move forward.

I don't believe any PTSD sufferer who keeps bravely attending therapy is ever "stuck"...even if they can't see it.

If nothing else, showing up, dissociated or not, allows our therapist to evaluate how we are doing and adjust their treatment plan accordingly.

It's all an exercise in courage.

 

[Jane.l]

@bloom thank you that all hit home to me. You are right just showing up and keeping at it is so important - I have been so tempted to walk away from therapy and just try and live with what I have got - then I realise how unrealistic that is when I stop pretending I am ok - or get another flashback or nightmare and all the avoiding catches up with me in a big overwhelming rush - then I feel trapped and panic can't go forward . Can 't go back - the box is open .

Maybe I just need to set the bar at just getting my arse to therapy and not overthink it - thanks for your words they felt very positive and soothing - it's the sort of thing I need in my head rather than the rubbish I put in there.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Good for you, @Jane.I!

Honestly, if there is any rubbish in your head, I'd bet anything that you weren't the one who put it there.

 

[Jane.l]

Oh god just had the worse session ever - feeling really crap.

Bloom I think I need you to be my T !

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm completely unqualified. :)

You sound great despite a rough session. You made it through. Sometimes, that's more than enough.