Avoiding going "home" (to parents)

[SeekingAfrica]

Today is so unproductive. I'm not sure if it's because parents manages to get me high blood pressure from fighting on day 1, if it's because I'm in new environment and in my currents state that is laregely distracting...
Or maybe the simplest explanation, I was depressed for weeks, then pushed myself to clean and pack for day and a half, traveled for 8h, and now my body is just crashing- either in physical sense, or because I spend a lot of adrenaline worrying about this lately and coming off is making me as tired and sleepy as if I traveled for 3 days, not 1.... I feel like I'm swimming or daydreaming half of the time and like I want to sleep it off- most of the day.

Also due to all circumstances I've been going full on from getting at 6am and being very morning person to going to sleep at 3, my sleep schedule was all over the place from worry and changing plans, which I'm sure is contributing.
Still here, and I need to shake this feeling off so I may allow myself 1 early night.

 

[Movingforward10]

Could be a mix of all of the above? it’s a lot to deal with.
I hope you do allow yourself an early night.
and maybe a few moments here and there for yourself during the day to check in with yourself, reground?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Could be a mix of all of the above? it’s a lot to deal with.
I hope you do allow yourself an early night.
and maybe a few moments here and there for yourself during the day to check in with yourself, reground?

I will do both.
I think tonight I'll just rework my morning routine (while I'm here early mornings mesh better with my parent's schedules and that helps...) for maximum self-care. and good start of the day. So that in turn hopefully I'm productive the rest of the time (as much as that can be while here).

But I feel like I've been running on worry and adrenaline for weeks and I'm still here and I'm still standing-now that the adrenaline is coming down. So anything must be better than that.
Tonight I'll sleep it off, tomorrow I start with decent routine and some time for grounding through the day if needed. And try to keep the good sides of being here, like more light for drawing (if I can break through the block I've been having which I will try to do).

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm not doing great.
I mean I'm functioning better than I expected. Every day I add one more thing to my morning routine. I do dishes and cook.
I worked for 3h which is progressively better from the 1h yesterday, and the barely anything the week before.
I am navigating being here better than planned.

Yet I've never felt so hopeless. Like my time is running out. Trip will end, I'll be home but broke again. I should be working 12h a day to catch up to the world and here I am, considering routines and chores as a win. And still being just as stuck work-wise. There is so much pressure, any other work I'm starting besides the one for October is just painful. I start my days better and better, I do more, and still my opinion of myself here is so low, lower than when I was doing almost nothing at home. Everything is triggering here, and I have this gut feeling like I have to be my best or my life will crumble soon. Maybe when I get back to my home. Maybe earlier. Maybe by the middle of October. One way or another there is a ticking clock and I feel like a timebomb about to go off finally.

I'm putting so much effort to keep it together, but what about actually being together? Where will I be in this eqation? I'm trying to do things, to keep things together for everyone, pay my dues for everyone, but what about ever getting to work on what I want again? I feel like I'm fading here. Nothing bad happened today except I got stuck on a design issue for 20min for the shop I'm trying to open and almost quit. I feel trapped.

 

[scout86]

Is it ok if I keep disagreeing with you about how awful you are? It really sounds to me like you're doing some things you deserve credit for. After all, you COULD be staying in bed, not doing anything but breathing. I get that you want things totally on track and fixed right this minute. That would be really nice, but, short of using magic, I'm not sure how anyone does that.

You're working on stuff. That's really good.

You're doing more every day, from the sound of it. That's great too. (But it might be ok to have a day now and then when you don't actually do MORE. Maybe give yourself a break. There's a lot of science to back up the benefits of rest too.)

You mentioned that everything is triggering there. Remember that, even if you're not aware of it, you have to use mental energy to deal with that. And you're doing it. Things might be easier once you're NOT there.

but what about ever getting to work on what I want again?

It seems like that should be a priority. Do you really have to do all that you're doing for others? You have your basic survival needs to meet, like food and shelter. Beyond that, it's YOUR life, doing the work you actually want to do should be important. Why wouldn't it be?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Is it ok if I keep disagreeing with you about how awful you are?

It is actually. Check my latest post in the Depession forum.

All that acting on what I need to do sort of blew up and I admitted a lot of things to my parents.
Of course it was barely regarded as a thing whatsoever, but nevertheless, I couldn't hold everything emotional and all my needs inside anymore.
I've done it every trip for more than 5 years. Even when I was super depressed.

Now I couldn't take it anymore and blew up.
It was barely regarded even admitting an almost- attempt in the spring, but still, I was honest.
Might be a start.

I feel awful and drained, but this conversation had to happen eventually,

 

[scout86]

I feel awful and drained, but this conversation had to happen eventually,

That seems like it's probably a good thing. I know it doesn't necessarily mean your family is going to be any help (maybe it does?). Even so, at least you don't have to put all that effort into pretending everything's ok. Now I'll go read your other post.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think I'm having one of the days where I don't improve.
There's just been a lot of processing. Processing all the talking and yelling from yesterday.
Arranging and then rearranging my return plans several times. Arranging and rearranging my non-budget accordingly.
Then relaying information to parties that need to know when I return, canceling or rescheduling appointments and all that.

To be honest, all I've done is for a good cause, but today I'm drained to the core no matter how much I slept.
So today might be a day where I take it a little easy, because I genuinely feel like even things that bring me joy I just... have no energy for.
I'm just off, it's not happening.
I think work will be 90min or 2 hours today, and that is with a lot of breaks.
I still can't process all happening. But I'm still here. I count that as a win. Today I do.

 

[scout86]

But I'm still here. I count that as a win. Today I do.

Definitely!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Do emotional stuff tire you faster? I was only out for half a day today on errands, plus all the cold war we are leading at home and the constant efforts for resolutions and adjustments...

And I am just so wiped out, genuinely, I can sleep 9-10 and more hours without having done much more. (today I went to bank and to get ticket, and dealt with some written errands). Might be the few weeks of barely being functional before that, might be all the emotional processing. But I know what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm just... exhausted. All day, still. At least there's no yelling.