Avoiding sexuality altogether

[Nyssa]

I think I am physically unattractive. I don’t know if this is a core belief, or a cognitive distortion, or something else. I would argue it is a truth… 99,9 % of the time.

I don't think I am ugly, I'd say I am reasonably good looking. But 99.9% of the time, I consider myself as an sexless individual. This is how I feel in my body. It (my body…) has no sexuality, sex is simply not part of my reality. I am in complete denial/rejection of this dimension of reality. So something is wrong with you if you are sexually attracted to me. You are either some kind of pervert, or you just don't see me.

From time to time, I end up having sex. Obviously, being a sexless angel and all, it does not happen so often. And when it does, my self-perception shifts from “sex is not a part of me” to “I am a sex object” or “I am a dirty little slut”, depending on my level of implication in the action.

I don’t really mind the slutty part in itself, once I get there. I could work on it with a respectful partner (I started to the one time in my life I had a seemingly serious relationship).

But it is nearly impossible for me to meet someone when I feel so estranged from my sexuality. It just doesn't happen. I don't look for it. And I believe people can't see me as a potential partner because it is somehow obvious that I am not in the game.

Also, the transition between "I am a sexless individual" and "I could have sex with this person" is super hard. Having to integrate sex in my reality makes me feel sick to my stomach. I typically end up throwing up at some point (and this is so glamorous when you are dating...). And I can not eat anything at all for a few days.

I was in therapy for 8 years. I quit last year because I felt I wasn't going anywhere anymore with my therapist. How come I never addressed this? Avoidance...

Any shared experience or feedback would be helpful.

 

[EveHarrington]

I could have written much of this, most of this in fact. Will come back and say more after I've thought about it a bit.

 

[Sideways]

Not all partnerships include sex. There's perfectly healthy couples out there that don't need it, want it, or have any interest in it whatsoever.

It's also okay to not be ready for sex just yet. It's okay to tell someone that you're dating, "Sex is off the cards right now". If a sexual relationship is something you want for your future, give the healthy, positive relationships time to devefirst maybe?

I've been in therapy for years and yeh, this topic doesn't come up a lot. For me? It's because of the shame. But my self-concept has been screwed to the point where myself as a sexual being, or that I should be a sexual being, is core to how I perceive myself. And that's gonna take time and work to change, but it will change.

In the meantime, it's really important to try and ensure that partners you do get involved with treat you in a healthy, respectful way. It's ok to require that of your partner. And it's ok to tell them: No sex till I tell you otherwise.

 

[Prough]

I tried for a year to have sex with my girlfriend. I could not do it. Sex is pretty much impossible if you take all the good parts and replace them with bad parts. I had to tell her. It was eating me up inside.
We sat down and we came to an arrangement that would satisfy her without exacerbating me. The actual solution was easy. There are a wide variety of people living unique sexual life styles these days.
The hardest part was setting the situation right. I had to find a decent woman. I had to build up the confidence to pierce the angry noises in my head, so I knew what I needed in a relationship. The part that was the hardest was talking to her, honestly.
I'm not exactly 'back in the game' it's just not physically possible for me. But she is happy and I manged to turn a source of guilt into a source of pride.

 

[EveHarrington]

I tried for a year to have sex with my girlfriend. I could not do it. Sex is pretty much impossible if...

I think it's a lot easier finding a woman who wants "alternative" sex than it is to find a man who is flexible in this way, especially given that many women don't even orgasm through traditional penetrative sex, but this is what most men desire.

 

[Nyssa]

@Ragdoll Circus , @Prough ,

Romantic relationships without sex? Never thought of it. What the hell would someone would go through the annoyance of being with me if there was no sex to make up for it?

"Why the hell", and not "what the hell".

 

[Prough]

I haven't had sex in years. I used to think that because I was unable to give a woman what she needed, that no woman would ever have me. I had logic'd my way into loneliness again. After a while of telling myself how unattractive I was, how difficult dating is, and how little interest I've recieved from the fairer sex, I was almost ready to go full monk.
Enter sue. She found me even though I was hiding from everyone. She was an incredibly positive force in my life. But like every other woman I knew, she seemed completely unable to compartmentalize from sex like I had. I tried to pretend. After 45 minutes of tears, vomit, and no hint of an erection, we both knew exactly how worthless I was.
How could I tell this woman, who has helped my life, more then any man ever has, that the thing she is enjoying most, makes me feel like I'm being raped again. After months of lies I'd had enough. I told her I would rather be alone then suffer like this anymore. She said something I wasn't sure was a real request because I had never heard it before,"I would rather be horny, then watch you suffer another day".
After a long discussion we came to the conclusion that I was no longer a sexual being. Trying to force things didn't work, made em a lot worse actually. Telling a woman to lock her self in chastity until I'm done discovering myself or w/e, is also unrealistic. For us the answer was simple. If I cant provide a supply personally, I would just outsource. We settled on a one way open relationship. This sounded scary to us both. But for her part, ever since she's been getting her bell rung on the side, she has been a whole lot less miserable. On my side of the fence, I feel a huge weight has been lifted. My whole life I believed that sex and my body were just tools intended for women to use. That life was now over. This new life allowed me to redefine sex on my terms.
Why the hell would someone stay with you? For me the answer was just to ask. I dont know why my gf stays with me. I don't know why she puts up with the annoying things I do, knowing full well that there is no d being given out at the moment. I have no idea why she does any of this shit. All I know is that she does. And as awesome as she was, she wouldn't have done if I hadn't found her and asked.

 

[Nyssa]

Thank you for sharing. I hope it keeps working for you and Sue. When you say you are no longer a sexual being, do you mean for ever or for now?

Yesterday, I registered on the dating website OkCupid. Apparently, I am ready to randomly puke in front of strangers willing to try and date me...
I said I was not interested in meeting people just for sex. But when I try to picture myself going on a date, I find it easier to imagine just that. It's not what I want but it's less scary.

 

[Prough]

Thank you for listening:)
I don't know what forever looks like, but I'm closer to getting where I want to be then I was yesterday. Over the years we have tried this and that trying to get me studly again. Most times it's a complete failure. But I don't give up. Because now I can find out how to love a woman at a pace that feels safe. And thanks to sue I don't even have to do it alone.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Ragdoll Circus , @Prough ,

Romantic relationships without sex? Ne...

This is what I think, too.

The only way I know how to get people to like me is by being sexual with them.

Why would anyone like me or want to put up with me if there was no sex?

(Last guy only tolerated me cuz I'd have sex with him.)

 

[Nyssa]

I feel you @EveHarrington . I think...

On the other hand, I do believe friends can like me. I became friends with some of my flatmates a few years ago. So I even think it is possible to live with me and like me. But love me... as in being the significant other of someone? Nope. I can be liked among other friends. But being singled out like this, and becoming THE so, it is too much pressure.

Also, sexual desire is still gross and scary for me. Once we have f*cked, I can handle it and even like after a while. But in the seduction phase, the looks of someone who wants to have me in his bed... it can make me instantly throw up. I don't really have time to think before my body decides it is too much. But if I could articulate thoughts, it would probably be something like : "What if I am not sure, he makes a move and I can't say no? I feel trapped in advance and it makes me sick." Or maybe in this situation, my brain still makes this generalization "it is wrong and utterly disgusting to be looked with desire" because it is what it felt like for years with my brother.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@EveHarrington

The only way I know how to get people to like me is by being sexual with them.

Why would anyone like me or want to put up with me if there was no sex?

This unfortunately rings so true for me...idk what to do I feel like I have so many flaws. However having sex is something I'm really good at and I just think without that piece yes why would any guy want to be with me...