Avoiding dating because sex often repulses me

[silverlinings1069]

I have had sexual trauma as well for multiple years in my past. I am not at the point where I can deal with it with my therapist or anyone for that matter. I have realized that I freeze during sex. I have no voice. Now that I have a little bit of the puzzle, it has helped me look at other areas of my life that I can focus on that I might be freezing. Maybe focus on what you are able to and heal that. Then the next thing. Maybe, little by little, it will all seem less daunting. That is how my brain works. I hope you are able to find what you need to heal. I wish you the best of luck. Sending positive thoughts.

 

[Eva1981]

Hello, I am new here. I suffered a lot of sexual abuse in childhood and when I was a teenager. Males and females abused me.

I'm now in my 40"s and haven't had a long term relationship for several years. I avoided sex quite a lot even in my previous relationships. I miss having a partner but I avoid even going on dates because the thought of having sex is often repulsive to me. I'm not asexual, I do occasionally find the idea of sex appealing. I'm a lesbian.

I am unsure how to work on these feelings of repulsion. I asked a few therapists in the past about it but one of them didn't know what to say and avoided talking about it with me. The other just gave me some websites to look at and tried to reassure me that 'it can change '. A few years on, I just keep avoiding dating anyone.

I'm also really worried about potentially meeting someone I like and things progressing further but then having trauma flashbacks during intimacy.

I feel really alone and lonely because of all this.

Does anyone know how to get past these feelings of repulsion and disgust about sex? And how to deal with flashbacks if they happened during intimacy?

Thanks

I understand you so well, I figured out that some partner do that to me and other not. I had a lot of partners to get new memories and diluate flashbacks in wanted sex ( not saying this the way to follow). Now I breakup directly after a flashback+ men not able to handle it. I have another post were I day I am into soldiers , not all but some understand PTSD better. I am in my 40 too and I decided my pussy is the only one who knows who can be with me. If charming prince gives me flashbacks I don't want him I prefer a guys who doesn't give me flashbacks.

I think as well that flashbacks comes when a guys has unhealthy fantasy. ( it's my unverified theory)
Lastly what worked for me, when I was to subject to much intrusive thoughts is taking a bath with the man. It's being naked together, having nice talks, none sexual intimacy....

 

[Applecore]

Hello, I am new here. I suffered a lot of sexual abuse in childhood and when I was a teenager. Males and females abused me.

I'm now in my 40"s and haven't had a long term relationship for several years. I avoided sex quite a lot even in my previous relationships. I miss having a partner but I avoid even going on dates because the thought of having sex is often repulsive to me. I'm not asexual, I do occasionally find the idea of sex appealing. I'm a lesbian.

I am unsure how to work on these feelings of repulsion. I asked a few therapists in the past about it but one of them didn't know what to say and avoided talking about it with me. The other just gave me some websites to look at and tried to reassure me that 'it can change '. A few years on, I just keep avoiding dating anyone.

I'm also really worried about potentially meeting someone I like and things progressing further but then having trauma flashbacks during intimacy.

I feel really alone and lonely because of all this.

Does anyone know how to get past these feelings of repulsion and disgust about sex? And how to deal with flashbacks if they happened during intimacy?

Thanks

Hi there, thanks for introducing yourself, I'm also in my 40s, doing pretty well now, experienced some sexual abuse in my childhood but I think it was other things that were far more traumatic and required recovery from. I have lesbian and gay friends. I've done a lifetime of self-help, had a bit of counselling of various kinds, but have had more meetings with survivors of recent shock where I am the listener.

I'm a straight male in a long-term relationship with a straight-identifying woman who had one short lesbian relationship in her life, and she is also my best friend. We hold each other in bed, and we don't have sex.

I'm going to share a few thoughts that came to my mind, which you might have already had yourself I guess.

First thing is, I think it's important for us not to feel bad about our feelings, including feelings of repulsion and disgust about sex. That is your right to feel that way, just as you feel about anything else. You've nothing to apologize for and you have no obligation to get past it. If you have any shame or guilt in connection with that, I think that's something you could do some work on to let yourself off the hook from first.

Now, that you want to change your feelings about sex is a choice, which is also your right. If you want to become more comfortable about sex and even enjoy it, I get that.

I think emotional intimacy is the key. When there is enough emotional intimacy, it may be that your sexual desire changes. Did you feel fully emotionally intimate with your past sexual partner?

As you might have read in The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz, all of our minds play tricks on us, even the healthiest of people. I noticed you mentioned not going on dates because you're avoiding sex. But is anything stopping you from trying to go on dates with a full disclosure up front, that you're not looking for sex any time soon, but companionship? Are you assuming that dating has to be about sex? Have you considered the possibility that you are telling yourself that you are avoiding sex by not going on dates, when in truth you might be avoiding emotional intimacy by not going on dates?

Just a question, to invite you to think that through.