Dom Violence Awareness, Triggers

[Canotia]

I was abused by my father. He went to prison and I lost everything. Desperate for a family, I married a man after only knowing him for a short time. I so badly wanted the family I felt I was missing. At first I thought his control was taking care of me, and I wanted that. Then I realized I had no choices, no freedom, no independence, no me. We had a child quickly, but I said I wanted out. He told me with my past, no judge would ever give me custody. I stayed, I stayed for 20 years until both my kids were older and I could get out. I knew he controlled every penny, every contact, every movement. He tracked me, called constantly. Recently, I realized it was more than that. I recently have learned that it is not normal to cry from beginning to end of sex. He never seemed to care. I didn't feel I could say no, the few times I did he wouldn't leave me alone. He would badger me, touch me, and claim that he was in pain until I gave in. There were times that I thought, as I cried, this doesn't feel any different. I thought the problem was me, my past, my issue. I didn't even realize my relationship was abusive, I thought that was what marriage was. Now, I am starting to think that maybe, I'm not sure, it was sexual abuse. I would ask him not to grab all the time, especially in public, but he still did. I cringed at his touch. I use to sit outside the house in my car crying because I didn't want to go in. I still don't know what to make of my marriage. Emotional abuse, I now understand it was. BUT, sexual abuse, I don't know. If I never said no, or I gave in, can it be? He had to know crying was not a good thing. Can it be I have been abused almost my entire life? How do I pick up the pieces after that? I hope, really hope, I am wrong. Still, I need to know.

 

[Bridgettiemac]

I feel your pain
I also was looking for family and my ex husband would have sex with me while I was sleeping and even anal and oral I would wake up with him in me and I would freak out
I was numb when we had sex I would tune it out and cringe being around him he tried to pimp me out to his best friend and cheated on me but always made me feel I couldn't leave now we share custody and it victimizes me all over again bc I cringe leaving my kids w him and I'm terrified of him but I can't fight

 

[Bridgettiemac]

It took a lot of strength to talk and you made me feel normal opening up thank you

 

[Canotia]

I sometimes get as many as 30 texts in an evening. Telling me I need to be a better mother. I have full custody, he didn't want his kid. The other one is over 18. He sees him maybe twice a month, but that doesn't stop him from constantly texting, sometimes showing up at my door. Always telling me what I am doing wrong and what to do.

 

[SeanCharles]

First, I want to welcome both you! I am deeply sorry for your experiences that both of you have undergone. Thank you both for sharing!

 

[mamachick]

It sounds like sexual abuse, but at very least, this man lacks any empathy, as does my husband. He wants his way about everything and could care less about if I feel safe and secure, controlling every penny, where I live, what I do, until I have totally lost my health. I must get out. Kids grown. Im afraid to stay any longer.

 

[Canotia]

It is really hard to get out, but possible. The final straw for me is when I was diagnosed with anorexia (control issues) and was told that I had to gain weight. My ex told me the doctors didn't know what they were talking about, I only needed to tone. I have severe osteoporosis and other health issues and he didn't care. If I stayed with him I would have died. Now, I am free and I am learning to take care of me. It is hard to make decisions and not defer to others, because I never have. I also feel that I missed a lot in the last 20 years. He controlled everything, set up accounts, computers, everything and withheld passwords. I am still working on creating my own accounts. I can honestly say I know how much money I have, what bills I have, and control my own money. It is nice to buy something without asking for permission first. When I go to the grocery store I buy whatever I want. To get to this point I needed a lot of therapy, but I'm working.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I sometimes get as many as 30 texts in an evening. Telling me I need to be a better mother. I have fu...

Whoa, by him constantly texting you he is definitely attempting to control you. And it is worse if you are forced to stay in contact with the other parent due to having had kids with an abusive person. I feel your pain.