Justmehere
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I have never done anything like what happened today. What I did and how I responded is so awful. I want my life to be over. I don't know if there is a way out. A way to fix me. It's a trauma anniversary and maybe I reenacted it.
I had a horrifically triggering interaction with a therapist today. He is not my normal therapist - I only have seen him twice in order to see a psychiatrist at the clinic is he at.
The 30 minutes I spent in his office in the session was an utter disaster. It was my 2nd appointment with him, but 4th at the clinic. The first appointment with him was all about discussing how the first person I met with and the clinic breeched my privacy. The therapist walked out with me. I told her not to. I have never had to tell a therapist not to walk out with me. I don't know why she did. My friend walked up to the building that has many offices in it. We were just going to met in front. The therapist said out on the sidewalk, I'm so glad we can help with your PTSD.
Later that day, a colleague somehow told an agency that I volunteer for that I am a client. She thought they could help me find a better clinic. The agency only helps kids...
I reported both of them to the folks that enforce privacy law in my country.
My insurance refused to cover anyone else. I'm working on appealing that. The clinic moved me to another location and assigned me to that location's manager. I told him a boundary. He ran over it.
After a terrible and brief 30 minute session today that I can't even describe, he followed me into a public lobby in front of elevators that go to a bank, and I was standing next to the doors of an orthopedic clinic, within earshot of the temp job agency next door to them, and outside of the front doors of his clinic, with lots of people - the general public - around to say to me. I'm not describing it well, but it was a very public lobby area for all the offices in the building. He walked up and said, "we can offer you an appointment in a few months with the psychiatrist."
I immediately glared at him. I ranted. I said, "This is a a public place. You are way out of line discussing mental health care of any patient outside of your office. The lovely elderly couple that just walked by did not need to know you are offering me a psychiatrist appointment."
He went on. "I am just trying to help and let you know that I'm sure the doctor can see you about your meds soon. I for know what to do about your primary care doctor being - "
"Stop." I walked back into his clinic, and he just kept talking. I figured this way he would not be talking in the lobby, but would have to follow me back into the waiting room of his office. Once there, I told him, "this is not ok. I left your office. You followed me into a public space and then trashed all privacy I thought I had."
It was not a functional conversation after that. He tried to say he was only trying to help and I refused to talk to him. I spoke to the secretary, got the doctor appointment scheduled, and for Friday no less, told the therapist that I needed him to respect no. I told him want a female staff person in the room because it's creeping me out that I said no and it means nothing to him.
I later called him to state that if he says anything other than my first name, and only my first name, outside of his private office walls, I'm leaving immediately and reporting it to the privacy enforcement office for HIPAA. He said, "well, I can agree if -"
I cut him off. "No. This is not negotiable. You can agree or disagree, my boundary is the same and I'm putting you on notice. If you choose to say anything more than just my first name to call me into a private place to talk, I am leaving instantly. You can agree with my boundary or not. You are free to make that choice. And I'm am free to leave and I will leave if you say anything more than my first name again. I want there to be an abundance of caution about my privacy or there is no reason to say anything else."
He then said something about how if want that, I needed I agree to - and I cut him off again. I'm NOT saying my actions were reasonable.
I started saying over and over, "No really means no. There can be no conversation if there is no privacy." I told him I was so triggered, this is the anniversary of horrible things.
Then I really lost it. I was hysterical. I sat down on a bench and I told him no means no and I'm never meeting with him again... I hung up. Sobbing.
In that moment, a guy walked up. He had a dog. He let his dog play with mine. I told him "please pull your dog away, my dog can't play. Please." My dog is a well marked jacketed service dog. She was her calm self until the other dog was wrestling with her. She was just playing but it wasn't the time to do that.
I stood up to try and walk away. I was trapped by the dogs. The guy said something, I didn't hear it. I begged again, please pull your dog away. I was near a wall and the bench, and there was no way to get away without moving forward towards the dog, and him. So I kept begging for him to pull the dog away. He then got big. I don't know how to describe it. He said, "just take one step forward, just do it, and I will take you out."
I wasn't sure I heard him right so I said "what?"
He repeated it.
"Are threatening to hit me or something?"
He said, "come on, just take one step forward, just one step and it will show you." He was shaking, fist raised.
I screamed. Normal response.
But the content of what I screamed wasn't normal. I screamed "you are really going to hit the disabled girl with a service dog? Really? Oh come on, just do it! Come on, just hit me! Do it!"
He frooze. I don't think either of us expected me to say THAT. All I was feeling was terrified. I was bracing for him to hit me and somehow, all I thought was why say no, I get hurt anyhow, so say yes! I kept screaming "come on hit me do it!" "I'm sick and going blind and have a sweet dog and you wanna hit me, so do it! Come on come on hit me! Do it!" I was shaking so bad when I said it, ready to duck anything that was about I come my way. I had no escape. I thought he could kill me. And that is what I screamed. On a public busy touristy downtown street in a major city.
He walked away. I called my therapist. My real trauma therapist. I couldn't even talk, I started hyperventilating so bad. So we texted until I could calm down. I told her what happened. What I did and said. She said it wasn't crazy, it was effective. He was "looking for a target, and probably wasn't expecting such a feisty one."
Crazy feisty. She said my act probably surprised him enough to break him out of his anger.
I told her I lost my mind and I should be hospitalized and run away and... she talked me down. She said it was ok. It was scary.
We scheduled an emergency session tomorrow.
I am a monster.
I had a horrifically triggering interaction with a therapist today. He is not my normal therapist - I only have seen him twice in order to see a psychiatrist at the clinic is he at.
The 30 minutes I spent in his office in the session was an utter disaster. It was my 2nd appointment with him, but 4th at the clinic. The first appointment with him was all about discussing how the first person I met with and the clinic breeched my privacy. The therapist walked out with me. I told her not to. I have never had to tell a therapist not to walk out with me. I don't know why she did. My friend walked up to the building that has many offices in it. We were just going to met in front. The therapist said out on the sidewalk, I'm so glad we can help with your PTSD.
Later that day, a colleague somehow told an agency that I volunteer for that I am a client. She thought they could help me find a better clinic. The agency only helps kids...
I reported both of them to the folks that enforce privacy law in my country.
My insurance refused to cover anyone else. I'm working on appealing that. The clinic moved me to another location and assigned me to that location's manager. I told him a boundary. He ran over it.
After a terrible and brief 30 minute session today that I can't even describe, he followed me into a public lobby in front of elevators that go to a bank, and I was standing next to the doors of an orthopedic clinic, within earshot of the temp job agency next door to them, and outside of the front doors of his clinic, with lots of people - the general public - around to say to me. I'm not describing it well, but it was a very public lobby area for all the offices in the building. He walked up and said, "we can offer you an appointment in a few months with the psychiatrist."
I immediately glared at him. I ranted. I said, "This is a a public place. You are way out of line discussing mental health care of any patient outside of your office. The lovely elderly couple that just walked by did not need to know you are offering me a psychiatrist appointment."
He went on. "I am just trying to help and let you know that I'm sure the doctor can see you about your meds soon. I for know what to do about your primary care doctor being - "
"Stop." I walked back into his clinic, and he just kept talking. I figured this way he would not be talking in the lobby, but would have to follow me back into the waiting room of his office. Once there, I told him, "this is not ok. I left your office. You followed me into a public space and then trashed all privacy I thought I had."
It was not a functional conversation after that. He tried to say he was only trying to help and I refused to talk to him. I spoke to the secretary, got the doctor appointment scheduled, and for Friday no less, told the therapist that I needed him to respect no. I told him want a female staff person in the room because it's creeping me out that I said no and it means nothing to him.
I later called him to state that if he says anything other than my first name, and only my first name, outside of his private office walls, I'm leaving immediately and reporting it to the privacy enforcement office for HIPAA. He said, "well, I can agree if -"
I cut him off. "No. This is not negotiable. You can agree or disagree, my boundary is the same and I'm putting you on notice. If you choose to say anything more than just my first name to call me into a private place to talk, I am leaving instantly. You can agree with my boundary or not. You are free to make that choice. And I'm am free to leave and I will leave if you say anything more than my first name again. I want there to be an abundance of caution about my privacy or there is no reason to say anything else."
He then said something about how if want that, I needed I agree to - and I cut him off again. I'm NOT saying my actions were reasonable.
I started saying over and over, "No really means no. There can be no conversation if there is no privacy." I told him I was so triggered, this is the anniversary of horrible things.
Then I really lost it. I was hysterical. I sat down on a bench and I told him no means no and I'm never meeting with him again... I hung up. Sobbing.
In that moment, a guy walked up. He had a dog. He let his dog play with mine. I told him "please pull your dog away, my dog can't play. Please." My dog is a well marked jacketed service dog. She was her calm self until the other dog was wrestling with her. She was just playing but it wasn't the time to do that.
I stood up to try and walk away. I was trapped by the dogs. The guy said something, I didn't hear it. I begged again, please pull your dog away. I was near a wall and the bench, and there was no way to get away without moving forward towards the dog, and him. So I kept begging for him to pull the dog away. He then got big. I don't know how to describe it. He said, "just take one step forward, just do it, and I will take you out."
I wasn't sure I heard him right so I said "what?"
He repeated it.
"Are threatening to hit me or something?"
He said, "come on, just take one step forward, just one step and it will show you." He was shaking, fist raised.
I screamed. Normal response.
But the content of what I screamed wasn't normal. I screamed "you are really going to hit the disabled girl with a service dog? Really? Oh come on, just do it! Come on, just hit me! Do it!"
He frooze. I don't think either of us expected me to say THAT. All I was feeling was terrified. I was bracing for him to hit me and somehow, all I thought was why say no, I get hurt anyhow, so say yes! I kept screaming "come on hit me do it!" "I'm sick and going blind and have a sweet dog and you wanna hit me, so do it! Come on come on hit me! Do it!" I was shaking so bad when I said it, ready to duck anything that was about I come my way. I had no escape. I thought he could kill me. And that is what I screamed. On a public busy touristy downtown street in a major city.
He walked away. I called my therapist. My real trauma therapist. I couldn't even talk, I started hyperventilating so bad. So we texted until I could calm down. I told her what happened. What I did and said. She said it wasn't crazy, it was effective. He was "looking for a target, and probably wasn't expecting such a feisty one."
Crazy feisty. She said my act probably surprised him enough to break him out of his anger.
I told her I lost my mind and I should be hospitalized and run away and... she talked me down. She said it was ok. It was scary.
We scheduled an emergency session tomorrow.
I am a monster.
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