Awkward Conversations About Family

[sun seeker]

For those of us estranged from our families or with abuse issues beginning in childhood... any kind of family not fitting into the "norm" that "normal" people assume when they innocently ask questions like whether we will see our families at holidays or what they are doing...

What do you say? Do you tell the truth? Some version of it? Skirt around the questions or change the subject? Just wondering about all the ways we deal with this. How do you feel about your approach?

 

[Fadeaway]

I just tell them my family is all dead. I Get so angry when people assume that everyone has family they can count on. I seriously with I could walk around with a shirt that said, "Don't ask me about my family, unless you want the grizzly details of their death."

If you don't know me well enough to already know this, then I find your question too personal.

I know most people don't think its an overly personal question, but for me it is. I would like to change that. and get people to be a little more thoughtful when they ask questions like that.

 

[Eleanor]

You can say anything you like. From "I don't want to talk about it." to "We are estranged" to @Fadeaway's "they are dead" to completely ignoring the question with a non-sequitor "Do you think it will rain next week?"

Bottom line is it is not anyone's business, so you don't have any obligation to tell them anything. If they are just making small talk, you can also just divert it back to them... (vaguely) "Oh, I don't know, what are you going to do?" Most people would rather talk about themselves anyhow. They may be asking to see if you are busy, or if they should invite you along on their thing. So it kind of depends on the circumstances...

I agree with @Fadeaway that people should be more sensitive about this stuff... it is really a "nothing" when it is a nothing, but can be a really really big sore point when it is not.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My family consists of my daughter and my two granddaughters now and has been this way for a very long time. This year the holidays may be a little more difficult for me to navigate because my daughter and the girls have moved an hour away and live with her boyfriends family now.

I will have to be creative and I look forward to others responses as I am going to be struggling until I can resolve this one for myself because I do not know how the holidays will be this year as I have spent the holidays with my new family.

Great thread.

I say my family is dead as well. Because they are.

 

[Justmehere]

I struggle with this a lot.

I tend to kind of ignore the question and talk about what positive plans I do have.

For example:

Other person says, "Are you going to go see you family or are the coming here?"

I respond, "I am actually going to (friends name) house and I'm really looking forward to making an apple pie. I just found this new recipe on America's Test Kitchen that I'm so excited to try. What are you favorite holiday foods?"

By being honest, and re-directing the conversation to the positive thing I'm going to do, and then asking them about them... it goes over ok. It's a lot of work.

I do tell close friends that I don't spend the time with family, and it sucks and I hate it.

Sometimes, if someone is super nosey, I get REALLY honest and say something like "My family is full of people enable a child abuser. I choose not to associate with them."

I wish I knew of a better way to handle it.

 

[Eleanor]

Keep in mind that the necessity of staying away from bad family is part of what makes THEM (not you) BAD. Abuse and enabling abuse is directly bad, sure, but the ripples from it... are sometimes just as bad or even worse.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I really like Eleanors response. I will have to work on that one, it seems to be the most appropriate way to handle the awkward situation. I agree with Justmehere as well. I am so thankful for this thread.

 

[Autumn76]

I have four groups of family:
*Those I talk to
*Those I hang out with (not nessarily related to, my favorite "sister" isn't anyway geneticly related)
* Those that are 2,000 miles away and can keep themselves there
* Those that love in my house

I like star one, love star two, actively avoid star three, and am madly in love with star four. Can understand needing people to be more sensitive. When people ask about my "parents" I say that they are no longer with us and leave it at that.

 

[StellaBlue]

I recently experienced a very awkward situation where an acquaintance had met my estranged brother who lives almost 1000 miles away from me and whom I haven't spoken to in years (talk about a small world). She was going on and on about how great he was...and how great his fiancé was. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I totally shut down. I sent her an email the next day where I simply said that I had not spoken to him in years but was glad to hear he was doing well.

I don't share a lot of details about my family of origin, but I suppose I'm at an age where it's not really a topic of conversation. Most people are generally very surprised when they find out I have siblings.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sad about what stumbled you hearing about your dad, I would have shut down as well had I been in your situation. You did a great save by being appropriate and that should solve that one.

you handled yourself with grace and you were forthright which was good. Things like that are very difficult for me to deal with. For anyone.

I hope that ends that conversation for you once and for all.

 

[jaccat]

I somehow give the impression that my family's perfectly normal, up to a point. I do see my sister once a year, at Christmas. The rest of the time we barely talk, even though we live within the same mile. But everyone thinks I have a close relationship with her, and my two brothers, simply because they know I have a sister, which is kind of awkward at times. But whenever I do end up talking about my family (which is rare- I don't talk about them at all unless asked directly) I tell people we're all majorly dysfunctional. Funny thing is, people always think I'm joking.

 

[Dana1010]

Sorry, but I have to disagree with this...

"I don't want to talk about it."

and this...

"We are estranged"

The idea is the nip the inquisition in the bud and keep it from rearing its head again. These answers are more like appetizers; they might shut people up momentarily, but they'll only stoke their curiosity and may provide gris for the gossip mill--that's the last thing you want. Soon they'll be gathered around in a parlor game trying to figure out what happened in your childhood. "Are her parents weirdos? Maybe she's a weirdo too." Perhaps you're not so nosy and judgmental, but many people are.

Like how can they not know some people don't have a family exactly like their own? Their reactions are so obnoxious too--like, "Oh, you're one of those people? But you don't look like a weirdo." I was just thinking of this recently and couldn't come up with anything better than, "They're dead." I like it because it's the best way to thwart follow-up questions. After, "They're dead," no one's going to ask, "Reeeaaally? How interesting. What did they do?" You could also say they live in a different part of the country. Then at least you'd have a good excuse for why you don't spend holidays with them.