B.u.p.a Insurance And Ptsd. Uk.

[Abstract]

Thanks digger,

there is always going to be room for different perceptions of the same event(s).

I guess that is why I wanted it. Not to change my perception of reality but to try to understand her thinking and get it from her rather than me guessing. If I am projecting my own stuff I would rather know.

this sounds like raking over the past?

Unfortunately and I am embarrassed to say it but this lot of therapy became an obsession. I have decided why that happened. At the end she did something that consistently denied my reality over a period of 8 months and in some bizarre abstract way that I will never fully understand it tapped into childhood stuff and seemed to have been the stressor that triggered my PTSD symptoms to go from simmering away to full boil over. For a while it was confusing as I managed to ignore the dreams of multiple abuse and the other stuff and was convinced my problem with this fallout. So I certainly won't claim to not be raking over the past. It is very hard leaving it entirely. I am however fairly resolved now (probably 90 %) and will move forward regardless. I am afraid my sense of time is useless but it may be about 4 years now.

I am quite sure that most of the problems are not mine and that her lack of training and experience and lack of being able to work on resolving the problems and hearing me were key. That is in the context of me being almost totally cut off in therapy, not saying how things were for me without realising it and not mentioning almost any important factor in my life and past. Without realising it. Obsessing about this therapy was necessary in many ways as it made me face up to a lot. I started off blaming myself entirely but probably now have the balance right.

I am afraid it has left me with increased issues and fears over therapy. It probably shouldn't have done so and I am ashamed at my reaction but it has. Part of what I do is temporarily delete important sections of interactions over long periods of time and that stops me from being able to manage how a relationship is progressing. I have worked hard on this and there is much change in my life but therapy is a hothouse for it as I am forced into a terribly unnatural environment for me. Trusting someone else with private information and discussing my personal life.

What I have to do is to continue what I am doing and that is preparing for future therapy and trying to find a way to trust in myself in that environment. To trust that my skills will enable me to be able to have access to enough information to know if the therapist is a bad fit or more. I was not at risk of blocking information this would be easy. I am very able when it comes to examining my responses and their behaviour. Of being fairly objective at the end. As long as I am there that is.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

presumably she'd be unconsciously seeing through a filter of how she wants to see herself as a therapist. Secondly, she may be defensive, consciously or unconsciously. Thirdly - and perhaps worst of all - she might not remember much.

I think this is what I would like to have information of. I realise these are the probable responses I would get and that is fine with me as anything out of her mouth would give me more information on what was going on in her head or how she sees it now. Almost all the processing I have done has gone on after as she was so bad at resolving things and could not hear me (I have to admit to thinking she is maybe not very bright either!) and I was so unable to understand my reaction or certain key things that were happening at the time.

The counter transference issues were not helped by various things including her daughter being anorexic and me having an ED at the time. Another disadvantage of seeing someone in their house! She is also a well known figure. If I said her name both you and digger would probably know her. I had too much info about her at the end even though she had excellent boundaries and was very reliable.

You are right it is about the future. It is confusing as I am not who I was. I know an enormous amount about myself and my tendencies. I guess I am haunted by what bad therapy it was in certain ways and me carrying on and on with it despite that. Most of it being bad was no ones fault. Yet I think the emotional response is probably connected to the start of my PTSD. I think it is literally a trigger in a certain sense. The intrusions and inner turmoil got glued to the concept of this therapy. Most of it is resolved but there is still some of it there. It has been hard to live with the fact that I have reacted in the way I have to it.

 

[Abstract]

Have just felt much lighter all of a sudden. I really want to be free of this. I am glad I sent her the email. It feels empowering in some way.

 

[Hashi]

anything out of her mouth would give me more information on what was going on in her head or how she sees it now.

Hmmm... have to question this a little bit. My personal view is that anything out of her mouth would give you fuel for speculation about her, speculation about you, speculation about how she saw you/saw herself/saw you seeing her... aaaagh! I have to question how much would be information and how much would be interpretation, guesswork and crazy-making.

Could I suggest, very gently, that you are never going to know and it's time to radically accept that and let it go?

I guess I am haunted by what bad therapy it was in certain ways and me carrying on and on with it despite that.

I'm guessing because it wasn't 100% bad? Or at least, there had been some positives at certain times? This is such a big thing in therapy, I think. When there's any positive, how can we be expected to look at the negatives and make a sensible judgement about that? I think it's understandable if the realisations about the negatives and how significant they were, were long after the event.

The intrusions and inner turmoil got glued to the concept of this therapy. Most of it is resolved but there is still some of it there.

Ugh.

just felt much lighter all of a sudden. I really want to be free of this.

Yay! I want you to be free of it too.

 

[Abstract]

The amount of self judgement I have around this issue isn't helpful.

Hashi, there were a lot of positives. Not when it truly went bad. I should not have been there for the last year. I can't regret it. It probably saved my life at the time I started it. It was the first non CBT therapy I had had and so much healing happened as a result. Even the bad part had many positive effects. I started realising how I could not manage relationships. That something was seriously off. Lots of information missing and the sense of not being in touch with what happened and when. The reality of how out of control and out of touch I was started sinking in.

It was the beginning of the lights going on although it was a very painful way of them doing so. And one that caused other harm at the same time.

It was a mix of much that was positive, much that was painful but about growth and some that was harmful and resulted in lasting problems. And an unfortunate association with PTSD symptom fallout.

You are right that new information would generate new thought. I don't think it would add to obsession and rumination. Who knows though! She is honest and has good boundaries so I would trust that what she said was genuinely meant.

I guess I would like as realistic and accurate an evaluation of the experience as possible before moving on. I have access to my mind but don't to hers and therefore the only way to know what she was aware of is from her. It looks like that isn't going to happen though and I will be OK with that. I am glad I wrote the email. It feels empowering in a way and that a proper line has started being drawn in the sand.

If I didn't think it was possible you would read this and know that swearing gets to you I would swear! I am so over this! I frigging want it to be put in the past for good.

There is a NLP exercise I have used over the years. One visualises being in the back of a theatre with the person one wants to be free of on the stage. One can have multiple people on the stage. There is some preparation but it ends with imagining the ties that bind us running from us to those on the stage. We then visualise giant scissors that come down and dramatically cut the ties. etc etc. The ties that bind are like fine ribbons now rather than steel cables. They need to go entirely now!! :ninja::banghead:

 

[Hashi]

Ah, I read it so thank you for not swearing! Although I'm close to swearing myself right now, with regard to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), so I relate to that urge :mad:. Maybe I should try your visualisation, it sounds like a good one.

I think there's a lot in what you say about the awareness and growth that has come out of this. I wish it hadn't been so incredibly painful. I see a lot of wisdom about therapy in your posts here. While I think that understanding has been very hard won, it has clearly been won.

I can't help wondering, as I read what you write, what it means to let it go entirely. It feels like there's something not only about being tied to her but perhaps also being tied to wanting the explanation. With your NLP visualisation, what will happen after the ribbons are cut? Are you left with loose ends? Do you include something so that you definitely won't be?