"babysitting" Nephew... Worried I Can't Handle Him (boundaries Question)

[illusionist]

Putting myself in your situation....I'd phone the kid up and have a chat...ask what he likes to do..suggest things and come to a compromise. I'm thinking if the kid is coming to spend time with people he doesn't know too well, then he's going to be just as nervous as you are..so maybe breaking the ice with a phone call will help ease any awkwardness on both sides. You may very well have a great time!

If it is a case of you really not wanting to go ahead with this...you do have a right to say so.

 

[DogwoodTree]

do you have xbox or playstation?

Yes, but we don't have any of the popular, shoot-em-up kinds of games...nothing violent. I'm not sure he'll be pleased with our selection, but it is an option.

if you have bicycles encourage them to ride safely around the area, kicking a ball around outdoors, playing a game of family baseball/softball, throwing a football around. also kids their age like putting things together, do you have legos?

The bikes was one scenario that scared me, lol. What if nephew gets going fast and runs over one of the little kids? He's not used to being around little ones. But that might be my paranoia acting up.

We do have a ton of legos, and my 8-year-old is heavy into them right now. Are 12/13-year-olds still interested in legos?

maybe breaking the ice with a phone call will help ease any awkwardness on both sides

I'm probably almost as awkward on the phone as he is. It's times like these I wish I was more of a chatty girl.

Well, here's the latest update. I talked with DH about my concerns. He recognizes that he's asking a lot, and says my concerns about keeping everyone safe have some validity. So we started brainstorming what I would need for this to go more smoothly and easily for all of us. One thing we decided was for DH to have a phone call with his brother and talk about what kind of structure nephew might need.

Before they even got into that part of the conversation, BIL asked if his girlfriend and her son can come, too. DH and I had discussed this possibility already--although the girlfriend could provide some support in managing nephew, adding another preteen boy to the mix seemed like a huge undertaking. Plus, this girlfriend is very chatty, and I groan at the prospect of spending 2 days having to talk with her (even though she's a nice person).

Anyway, we decided that was still probably the best approach. She's very familiar with nephew and able to manage both boys, so even if I'm totally peopled out within 2 hours, at least everyone will be safe. I told DH I'll be taking some alone-time escapes next week and maybe even throughout this weekend after they get back from their ride so I can stay functional. It really helps that we're talking about this together instead of me trying to cope on my own.

 

[Thizette]

You should definitely be asked. Even if you were ok with the nephew, they need to assume you have a life and possibly plans. I would go somewhere else for the weekend so that I couldn't babysit, but if you are uncomfortable doing something that extreme, maybe ask a calming, trusted friend to stay with you. Someone who can take the kids outside or to another room if you don't want them around your nephew or if things start to escalate. I work with adults with developmental disabilities, and those on the autism spectrum can be especially challenging, particularly when you are trying to get them to calm down or redirect their behavior. Your BIL should provide you with some insight, at least, about what triggers his nephew and what calms him down. If you can set him in a chair with an iPad all day, do it if it will keep him calm. Also he should tell you what behaviors mean your nephew is getting agitated. We have a guy where I work, he paces and rubs his hands together--if you take him on a walk and ask him to recite the states in alphabetical order, he calms down. Your BIL should know what works for your nephew and what doesn't. Another thing I've observed is that few of our clients have "behaviors" while with us at work (it's an education day program), mostly they act out at home or with their parents or providers.

BUT, if BIL can't give you information about triggers, calming activities, and signs of agitation, I definitely recommend that you refuse to babysit. That information is important for everyone's safety.

 

[DogwoodTree]

UPDATE

The weekend went really well, actually. Nephew played well with my boys during the day while DH and BIL were gone. BIL's girlfriend was really nice. We talked about personality types for a little while, and she totally understood that I needed extra time alone when there's so much going on around me, so she hung out upstairs reading a book for a bit at one point while I got some down time, too. She wasn't pushy at all. And then the next morning before they left, she and I had another conversation that was really good. Now we're talking about meeting up for dinner at some point, although it's a bit of a drive for both of us to meet in the middle, so has to be coordinated.

Once DH and BIL got home, nephew started acting up again. I think he and his dad are feeding into each other's conflict. BIL is not the most encouraging, engaged dad, although I think he would like to be. He just doesn't know how. But for the time he was gone, nephew did pretty well for a 12-year-old boy. Rowdy, but respectful. He even ate some veggies at lunch without complaining when I told him he couldn't just eat a hot dog and mac&cheese.

I'm so relieved that it went well, and glad to have the chance to build a good relationship with BIL's girlfriend. T and I discussed the weekend today and how I might help encourage the relationship along without overwhelming this person. This is the part of building a friendship that I really have no clue what I'm doing...the part where my efforts at making a friendship usually drive people away. But T pointed out I don't have to solve this problem quickly...I can think through each step and take it easy. That's tough to do when I'm so desperate for friendship, but it makes sense.

 

[scout86]

Cyber high five! I'm glad to hear it went well. Good luck with the experiment in friendship building!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Glad things went smoothly...