Back To Trauma Work... Would Be Grateful For Any Support

[Hashi]

I'm doing an extended therapy session on Monday to talk about trauma. I've had a break of a few months from therapy altogether, then three weeks seeing my therapist to get used to working together again. So it's been a little while since I did any trauma work.

I feel positive towards processing this and I want to be on the other side of it. Where I am with processing now, having done so much and gone through deepening layers of it, is that what I do now leaves me feeling much better. Something releases, it feels resolved. That thing of it feeling like part of my history but relegated to the past. No longer attacking me in the present.

It's still so very grim to do it, though. I've just looked through my dream diaries to find a dream about this that I want to talk about in the session. Beforehand, I felt quite positive and energetic. Then I looked through the diaries (all that trauma, all that processing, all those feelings) and re-read this particular dream. Now I'm feeling raw, nervous and exhausted. Welcome back to trauma work.

I have good coping skills, strategies, can look after myself etc. I'm also able to talk with my therapist. Those things aren't the reason I'm posting. I feel a bit foolish saying this, but I'd forgotten this feeling. I remembered intellectually how rough it is, but I didn't remember the feeling of that. It feels so bad.

I know it's hardly a newsflash that trauma work is horrible. But... trauma work is horrible.

:cry:

 

[Loloma]

Yes trauma work is horrible, but a necessary part of the healing process. The thing is not to dwell on it much before hand. I found if I went over it again and again before the session time, my mind was in a shocking state when I got there. Which meant I wasn't in a fit state to process during the session.

Does that make sense?

It seems that you are anticipating how you are going to feel before the event. Relax and good there with an open mind.

This may sound a little of subject, however I remember years ago when I had numerous surgical operations. I was always petrified as I had a bad reaction to anesthetic and thought I would die. I decided after a while not to think about it and just let go. From that time on I was fine.

 

[franciemarnie]

I have no words of wisdom, just lots of support and excited vicariously that you are going back. It inspires me. I know I have trauma work to do too.

 

[ashdawn8287]

You are a work in progress dear! This will pass because the last time you faced one of your issues you got threw it and I remember seeing you on here when I first started here. We are both at different stages and believe me you will power threw these feelings too and come out feeling and being better. It does not take as long as you think. I don't know you at all, but Hashi please give yourself some credit for being so damn strong. I have read your posts since I started on here, we have disagreed about stuff but just by your writing and posts now I can tell you have came along way so congratulations man.

 

[maddog]

More support coming from this corner of the world Hashi. I think in some ways you and I are in similar places right now. I too have had something of a long break away from trauma work for most of this year, simply because I was just too unwell and too unstable for what turned out to be months. Therapy was about survival and nothing else. We never verbalised that, it just happened, and it was the right thing.

Now... and it's scary to say this... I'm more stable. I'm mostly doing better, at least enough that both of us knew it was time for trauma work again. And I just felt it. I knew it was time. I felt that weird, almost tingly excitement, both at the prospect of progress, and at the realisation that I was ready, and that was a good sign...

And then the big day loomed, a couple of weeks ago, and all of the panic and terror and quite physically sick anticipation washed over me. And I wondered how I could ever have looked forward to this... until I realised that in spite of it all, I still was.

And now we're into it, and it's a roller coaster, like always, but it's still good. I know I'm ready. I know it's the right time, more than it ever has been before. Progress hurts like hell, but that's part of what makes it progress.

I say all that to say... I kind of think maybe you're there too, which doesn't make it feel any better, but which also doesn't mean that it's not a positive place to be in.

Part of what keeps my pre-therapy anxiety at a manageable level thesedays is, oddly, the fact that I had a terrible, terrifying fall-out of sorts with my therapist a couple of months ago, that wasn't really anyone's fault, but which involved issues that felt utterly life-threatening at the time. And we came through it. The relationship proved to be strong enough. Knowing we can make it through that has given me a sense of reassurance and safety that I didn't even realise weren't there until they were. I know we're a partnership on this journey and that we will ride this roller coaster together, and that's a huge deal.

As is the fact that I know I now have a toolbox with more tools in it than ever before, as do you. I don't always agree with the old cliche, but in this case I do believe that knowledge is power.

It sounds like you really are ready. And we'll all be here to hear about it, the good the bad and the ugly. Will be thinking of you.
Maddog

 

[Hashi]

Thank you all. I really appreciate it.

I went out yesterday after this and did gardening to ground myself. Towards the end it started raining. It's been a heatwave here with no rain for a couple of weeks, so I stayed out finishing the garden not minding the rain at all. Then I had to laugh because a couple of neighbours came out to chat and stand in the rain with me. We're all so tired of the heat. We only went inside when lightning and thunder started. We were soaked by then! So it was nice and physical and I felt much better after.

Maddog, it does sound like we're in very similar places. I also had a problem with my therapist and had to go through it with her as part of the three sessions I've just had to get ready. The relationship is so very important. I'm glad you found resolution with your therapist, and have obviously both come out stronger. I wish you so well with your own trauma work.

I had a nice dream last night. I was about to have a female exam, and in the dream this was something you usually did yourself. However, I discovered that a nurse would be doing it with me, and I was very glad. It seemed so much gentler and better than doing it on my own. The time was going to be longer than normal and I didn't understand why but thought there must be some benefit to that.

Part of what was so upsetting to me yesterday was going through notebooks and seeing all that writing and processing I've had to do on my own. This is part of my process before I can get to the point of talking in therapy, it's what works for me, but I felt for myself for having had to do it. Particularly for this aspect that I'm going to discuss. And I felt for myself for the next step of having to go through it with my therapist. The dream has made me feel better about that. And it's an extended therapy session, so hopefully that will be of benefit!

What I'm going to talk about is the worst thing. The most fear, the most horror. Like Maddog, there's the awful anticipation of it but also I want to do it so much. I want to slay this dragon.

I wondered about doing this therapy session the day before starting a new job, but in an odd way I think it's a good thing. Each is distracting me from the other. For the rest of today, I'm doing practical things to get ready for work. After a deep breath...

Thank you all again.

 

[Rumors]

Good luck, Hashi. I really hope you can find some peace with this soon. You are amazingly strong and courageous!

 

[Abstract]

Good luck Hashi! I love what the dream symbolises.

 

[ms spock]

I hope it goes well for you Hashi!

I am sending you my best.

 

[Hashi]

Rumors, Abstract and Ms Spock, I really appreciate the support and good wishes. Thank you.

It was good but strange. I went through some extremely difficult emotions beforehand, but not during the session. What happened was that I was very calm, talking about this aspect was OK, then I became aware of a whole layer of responses (responses at the time) that I didn't even know were there and I talked about those. Then when I'd finished my body went into one reaction after another, shaking, nausea, sweating, body memories, physical reactions...

My therapist was amazing. I think that given recent issues (her issues, not mine) and having just talked through them with her, she had really made the effort to be in the right place for this session, and she was.

I'm still trying to take it all in.

Thank you all so much for your support.

 

[maddog]

I am really really glad to hear she was in that right place Hashi, that can be as critical as anything. Your session sounds important and intense and I imagine the processing of it all has just begun. Hope you're taking gentle care of yourself in preparation for your next big challenge step of your new job. Let us know how it goes if and when you feel like it!

Maddog

 

[ms spock]

I hope it went well Hashi. I was thinking of you.

I realised in therapy that I have been stuck in a trauma state for awhile. So that is why I have been so stuck. I feel like I might start to get on top of things now. I hope things go well for you.