Before ptsd, for the most part, any relationships I was in were healthy. I have always been accepting of others and not intolerant, but since a traumatic brain injury I seem to have increased my tolerance to bad behavior which eventually led to ptsd.
In November, I started dating a man that was initially very charming, polite, and caring-or so that is what I saw. After the first time we had sex, I brought up the topic of std's. He had already told me that in his 20's, he had used cocaine and never needles or anything- (now 55 yrs old). When we talked about safe sex, he said that he was tested less than a year ago for HIV and hepatitis when he had surgery. I have a much nicer place and dogs (he has small apt., no cable or internet, etc) so he spent a lot of time at my house. I had to have surgery and he was great and caring just weeks after we started dating. Then came a day when he was leaving to go someplace and my friend asked me to meet her to catch up. (I had not seen here since we started dating about a month before). I told him we would catch up in a few hours. Well this set him off horribly. At one point he stormed out. Texts went back and forth, and I admit that I said some things that I should not have. However, one of the things that he said was that he hoped I got raped.
Several days later, we began talking and seeing each other again. Around that time, he told me that there may be a warrant for his arrest. He said that it stemmed from him punching a guy in a bar back in September, and that the guy was a stalker and following the guys ex wife. He said that he messed up the guys nose and blood everywhere. He has known this couple for years and basically double dated with this couple with a woman that he dated before me. Ive known them a short time and not well, but I knew that when they seperated, the woman told everyone that her husband gave her hep C. I was concerned about this and he assured me that he had no blood contact. Then a couple weeks later, he told me that he dated this woman but it was 10 yrs ago. This woman did drugs with bf's brother who committed suicide last year and was sick. At this point I told him that we need to go together and be tested for everything and he agreed.
About a month goes by and a friend comes from out of town. I meet the ladies out and the boyfriend turns mean as a snake again. He does not distinguish the difference between HIV and Hep C when he talks about this couple that have it. The next day, we had friends coming to my house and mostly he is just cold but does not say alot. Just before company arrives, he laughs and says he gave all these people HIV and me too. While company is there, he gets mad and storms off. My friends saw how bad he was and expressed their concern that he would eventually hit me and not to go back with him. Over the next week, we are not talking but I had a meltdown about what he told me. Finally I told my grown daughter and she went to the ER with me. I am tested for everything (eventually all is negative) but am told to repeat tests in 6 months. While I am waiting for the tests that took up to 2 weeks, I called him and he came over. He first said he never said it then said he was just kidding. I cried and told him how horrible this fear is on top of battling many health problems. He was very caring and sensative. I told him that I did not want to get back together but would prefer to end things on a good note, and that I wanted him to be tested. He agreed to be tested, but said it would be difficult to be friends with me because he is in love with me. I told him the drinking was an issue and he agreed. He told me all the bs, how I make him a better person, that he was a hot head and my distaste for violence was helping him so much with his anger issues. He told me how depressed he had been without me, etc.
Throughout this time, most of the time we laughed a lot together and he was very sweet. I shared too much with him probably. Neither of us have much money and we would cook together and talk alot. Over time, the talking had become less. He was laid off from work and watched a lot of tv. I noticed this pattern of a once a month blow up pretty much. I even think he might have ptsd. There certainly was a connection. After this time, he never left again. First he slept in another room but eventually we were doing the couple thing again. Each day he would promise me that he was going to make the dr. appointment-but never doing it. He had his son over for dinner and was very abusive to him, calling him queer and other such things that made me sick. One night we were having sex and I caught him trying to tape it with his phone-that ended things.
This entire time, my insurance had denied me therapy and they had just approved me for 6 visits. I could tell he was making excuses about getting tested. The last night he was here, he made a vulgar comment. I told him that I have a therapy appointment, and that I feel ashamed for what I have put up with and my therapist will be asking me "what are you doing". He said to just tell her we have to stay together because we have the same disease. I kicked him out immediately. Now that he has been gone a month, it makes me sick to think of him. I actually feel like throwing up at times, especially when I think that I have these months to wait to be retested. I know that disease has no limits, but it makes me feel dirty that I was with him. Thoughts lead to such anxiety that my dr had to increase my xanax.
I have no idea why I would be so tolerant of this person for almost 4 months (even though much was good), when it was bad, it was awful. I dont know what is wrong with me that I would allow this. I would appreciate any opinions, to know if others have put up with similar, and insight or advice. I feel almost panicked, like I dont see this coming and keep myself safe. I dont date much either, and have not been in relationship for 3 years.
In November, I started dating a man that was initially very charming, polite, and caring-or so that is what I saw. After the first time we had sex, I brought up the topic of std's. He had already told me that in his 20's, he had used cocaine and never needles or anything- (now 55 yrs old). When we talked about safe sex, he said that he was tested less than a year ago for HIV and hepatitis when he had surgery. I have a much nicer place and dogs (he has small apt., no cable or internet, etc) so he spent a lot of time at my house. I had to have surgery and he was great and caring just weeks after we started dating. Then came a day when he was leaving to go someplace and my friend asked me to meet her to catch up. (I had not seen here since we started dating about a month before). I told him we would catch up in a few hours. Well this set him off horribly. At one point he stormed out. Texts went back and forth, and I admit that I said some things that I should not have. However, one of the things that he said was that he hoped I got raped.
Several days later, we began talking and seeing each other again. Around that time, he told me that there may be a warrant for his arrest. He said that it stemmed from him punching a guy in a bar back in September, and that the guy was a stalker and following the guys ex wife. He said that he messed up the guys nose and blood everywhere. He has known this couple for years and basically double dated with this couple with a woman that he dated before me. Ive known them a short time and not well, but I knew that when they seperated, the woman told everyone that her husband gave her hep C. I was concerned about this and he assured me that he had no blood contact. Then a couple weeks later, he told me that he dated this woman but it was 10 yrs ago. This woman did drugs with bf's brother who committed suicide last year and was sick. At this point I told him that we need to go together and be tested for everything and he agreed.
About a month goes by and a friend comes from out of town. I meet the ladies out and the boyfriend turns mean as a snake again. He does not distinguish the difference between HIV and Hep C when he talks about this couple that have it. The next day, we had friends coming to my house and mostly he is just cold but does not say alot. Just before company arrives, he laughs and says he gave all these people HIV and me too. While company is there, he gets mad and storms off. My friends saw how bad he was and expressed their concern that he would eventually hit me and not to go back with him. Over the next week, we are not talking but I had a meltdown about what he told me. Finally I told my grown daughter and she went to the ER with me. I am tested for everything (eventually all is negative) but am told to repeat tests in 6 months. While I am waiting for the tests that took up to 2 weeks, I called him and he came over. He first said he never said it then said he was just kidding. I cried and told him how horrible this fear is on top of battling many health problems. He was very caring and sensative. I told him that I did not want to get back together but would prefer to end things on a good note, and that I wanted him to be tested. He agreed to be tested, but said it would be difficult to be friends with me because he is in love with me. I told him the drinking was an issue and he agreed. He told me all the bs, how I make him a better person, that he was a hot head and my distaste for violence was helping him so much with his anger issues. He told me how depressed he had been without me, etc.
Throughout this time, most of the time we laughed a lot together and he was very sweet. I shared too much with him probably. Neither of us have much money and we would cook together and talk alot. Over time, the talking had become less. He was laid off from work and watched a lot of tv. I noticed this pattern of a once a month blow up pretty much. I even think he might have ptsd. There certainly was a connection. After this time, he never left again. First he slept in another room but eventually we were doing the couple thing again. Each day he would promise me that he was going to make the dr. appointment-but never doing it. He had his son over for dinner and was very abusive to him, calling him queer and other such things that made me sick. One night we were having sex and I caught him trying to tape it with his phone-that ended things.
This entire time, my insurance had denied me therapy and they had just approved me for 6 visits. I could tell he was making excuses about getting tested. The last night he was here, he made a vulgar comment. I told him that I have a therapy appointment, and that I feel ashamed for what I have put up with and my therapist will be asking me "what are you doing". He said to just tell her we have to stay together because we have the same disease. I kicked him out immediately. Now that he has been gone a month, it makes me sick to think of him. I actually feel like throwing up at times, especially when I think that I have these months to wait to be retested. I know that disease has no limits, but it makes me feel dirty that I was with him. Thoughts lead to such anxiety that my dr had to increase my xanax.
I have no idea why I would be so tolerant of this person for almost 4 months (even though much was good), when it was bad, it was awful. I dont know what is wrong with me that I would allow this. I would appreciate any opinions, to know if others have put up with similar, and insight or advice. I feel almost panicked, like I dont see this coming and keep myself safe. I dont date much either, and have not been in relationship for 3 years.
