Bad Session With My T

[sandy]

I had a really bad session with my T yesterday. I am trying to work through something so difficult. I dissociated. I hate when I do it, especially in her office but it happens a lot. I can hear her voice off in the distance calling me back. "come back in to the room, feel your feet on the floor, blah, blah, blah, " So I come back, most times I don't want to but I know I need to. After that I had world class panic attack. Nice, right?? I couldn't breath, I got all sweaty and tingly, I suspect many of you are familiar with it. It always feels like such a waste of my session time to have to stop and deal with the dissociation and panic, and she sits there so calm and unaffected and just keeps asking me questions. I lashed out at her, I don't usually show any kind of anger or emotion to anyone but OMG!, I was like "Bi#@h, why do you keep pushing me?!! Leave me alone for a minute. Do you even know anything about how this actually feels?" She just looked at me and said really calmly "OK..., yes, I do know how it feels and as far as telling me off, nicely done."
Now I feel really bad for having raised my voice. I know she's alright with it, and me, but I will apologize to her and feel bad for way too long over it.

 

[Cr8ingMagic]

Yeah, I always feel like a real stooge when I have an intense reaction or panic attack, but I always feel in the end that the release of the associated emotions is well worth the embarrassment.

That is one thing that I dislike SO intensely about traditional therapy, the more calm and relaxed and objective the person staring at me is, the more angry I become that I am not acting the same way. I'd really rather have therapy in a sort of confessional setting where I don't have to look at them, or them at me, or even if I could just do it with a friend, who will have a caring, concerned look rather than this detached, "I'm looking at a lab rat" look on their face, it's so IRRITATING!!!

 

[mytai]

the more calm and relaxed and objective the person staring at me is, the more angry I become that I am not acting the same way

I'm the same way, except instead of externalizing my anger I shut down.