Bailing on therapy

[UnicornSightings]

I think this time I have a fairly accurate account of how it all went down starting from the last time we saw each other. Things ended with me feeling disconnected and I remember various thoughts and feelings along the way. That's really huge so she will know exactly what happened. I also really felt my pain. It was amazing! I've had many crying spells over the last 2 days over this thread and the idea of never seeing her again and each time I would notice what was going on in my body, I didn't add much to the story, just let the feeling play out. I told myself "this will pass. All feelings pass" and "this is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment" and "this is sadness, these are tears" to get some space around it, you know? And it hasn't been fun and now it's replaced with uncertainty but omg. I've been so good my whole life with avoiding feelings. This was/is a big deal. I've also been really hard on myself so it's a mix. I plan to write myself a long letter of self-compassion to get those strong thoughts back in the forefront.

I really like this community. I love when people agree with exactly what I say but I SUPPOSE I see the value in honesty as well lol

 

[chaotic harmony]

I just want to tell you that I'm SO proud of you for emailing again and that you are going to talk this over with her! Your strength is amazing. And the letter you are going to write yourself? Brilliant. I'm pretty sure you & T will get through this and that your relationship will be that much stronger because of it. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I'm still learning about healthy relationships too. I just wanted to give you my support and to let you know that you're awesome!!!

<Message edited: Forum administration is not for public discussion. Raise a help ticket to discuss with staff.>

 

[StellaBlue]

I also really felt my pain. It was amazing! I've had many crying spells over the last 2 days...and each time I would notice what was going on in my body, I didn't add much to the story, just let the feeling play out. I told myself "this will pass. All feelings pass" and "this is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment" and "this is sadness, these are tears" to get some space around it...

This right here is "IT" - what becoming "real" is...this is huge and wonderful (even though it's painful). Congratulations!

 

[amosmorris]

@UnicornSightings : I know I'm way late to this thread but I just read your first email to your T and I want you to know I could have written every single word of it myself. The attachment and abandonment pain is excruciating, just absolutely unbelievable. I have at moments thought it could destroy me. I am hanging in there and one of the only reasons I can is because I know through this forum that I am not the only person on the planet who feels this unique kind of awful. I am really inspired by your hanging with it. This sort of wound is really so profound and I am sorry that you have it, sorry that I have it, sorry that so many here have it--but tonight so grateful to not be so alone. Thank you for sharing it here. :hug:

 

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings : I know I'm way late to this thread but I just read your first...

I wish there was an option to love a comment. Omg thank you for relating. You worded it so well. It is such a unique kind of pain! And how do you even try to explain it to someone? You can't! They would think you're nuts! It's like you go there for whatever pain you are in and then you get all this stuff added to it. I am shocked so many people stick with it although separation hurts so much, too. I feel like sticking it out to deal with those emotions that are coming up (i.e. to stop judging myself for having them) might be really good. At the same time I'd love some relief. Love to you! Good luck in your journey!!

I just want to tell you that I'm SO proud of you for emailing again and that you are going to t...

Thank you so much for the kind words! Yeah, I'm not sure at all how our session will go. I did write out some words to say about how I feel.

This right here is "IT" - what becoming "real" is...this is huge and wonderful (even though it's pai...

Thank you! Yeah, I was really proud of that!! :)

 

[amosmorris]

I wish there was an option to love a comment. Omg thank you for relating. You worded it so wel...

So much love back to you, @UnicornSightings ! One of the first incidents through which I even began to understand that I had this going on--and this was not what got me to therapy in the first place at all (wow was I clueless!)--was the time my therapist accidentally messed up her appt book. I had needed to change my session time that week and she just wrote in the change incorrectly and didn't show...and it was like the bottom just fell out--I just slid down into a black hole. She worked so hard to get me to come in as soon as possible to make up the session and just getting there was torture for me--torture--! When I did I sat there and sobbed, all while explaining to her that of course I understood the mistake and please, just please, please just let me hide...please stop looking at me...how I wanted to rage at her and curl into a ball all at once. I was shocked by and afraid of my own reaction, so embarrassed, as it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was so bad that I had to cancel the next session--just couldn't face that degree of exposure again so soon--but I did get myself back there the following week. And then soon enough...I learned all about what would happen to me when she would go away on vacation. We've had some attachment/abandonment adventures--that exquisite, naked pain that makes me feel so damn small. And so, on therapy goes....:hug:

 

[UnicornSightings]

So much love back to you, @UnicornSightings ! One of the first incidents through...

Omg I completely relate to the "stop looking at me!" bit! Oh I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Must have been so damn confusing for you!!! And yes, vacation times are hard. I like to ask my T about her life in the beginning of session cause A I like to know a bit and B I want to avoid talking about myself for a little while. Plus I feel like it sets a lighter tone to begin. But she will say (in vague detail) something she did and it just sucks! Cause I like knowing but I get jealous she's with friends or doing something I would really like to do, too (we have a lot of common interests) or I compare my life to hers. Like she could even say "I had an excellent week" and leave it at that and I just want to always know more. Sometimes I'll ask a lot and omg so she's been to a lot of different countries and she volunteered in Costa Rica or some place helping dogs for a few weeks! How cool is that! I really wish she would've been my mom.

 

[amosmorris]

Omg I completely relate to the "stop looking at me!" bit! Oh I'm so sorry you had to go throu...

Yep. Pretty much. ;)