Bailing on therapy

[Lamename01234]

I agree at the very least a closure session to honor the work you two have done together.
Not a: "do you want me back session?" More like: in my time with you this is what I learned....
You both deserve that.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I agree at the very least a closure session to honor the work you two have done together.
Not a:...

I could never do that. I could never say goodbye. And there's no such thing as closure. There's just pain. And since I'm no longer in therapy I have no right to be here anymore. Good luck to all of you with your healing. Rooting for every single one of you!!!

 

[Sideways]

Can I encourage you to maybe take a breath, sit with what's happened for a while, then revisit this. Because this is big stuff.

The concept that "she deserves better" - she's a T, yeah? And she's signed up for the job of helping people like you, with issues like yours. The issues you're tackling here? Aren't new, she will have come across these before.

And I'm going to take a guess that right now? Maybe there's a tonne of shame going on for you (it's so often the nasty creature behind this stuff), and while it makes sense that you're experiencing that emotion given your trauma history, there's actually nothing for you to be ashamed about here.

Maybe giving yourself some space from this for a while and come back to it when the emotions have eased off. It's tough, but we get through it.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Can I encourage you to maybe take a breath, sit with what's happened for a while, then revisit t...

Ragdoll you're the one who convinced me I wasn't good enough for her. What are you doing right now?

 

[Sideways]

Actually, I pointed out that I thought you were being a bit unreasonable. And I think it was. Like your T, I'm not trying to be a good person, or a bad person. And the thing is - I'm not looking at you as either a good person, or a bad person. I said something that hurt, but it doesn't mean I don't like you. You're a person. A person who, like me, has a tonne of issues to deal with because of our history. There's actually no judgement of your character coming from my end.

The concept that you're "not good enough" for a T, I don't actually know what that means... Not broken enough? Or not healthy enough? She's a T, this is exactly the kind of issue that she helps people with.

So, there's a whole lot of emotions going on, but actually, you seem to have the opportunity to make this situation a huge win. And that's something that I think your T might be really happy about.

It's actually pretty normal for a person to be able to say "I don't like what you did", without it meaning "I don't think you're a good person".

So, do you take this and run with it as a huge learning curve? Or do you bail? Personally, I hope you come back to it. But it's your call.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ragdoll you're the one who convinced me I wasn't good enough for her. What are you doing right...

Sorry to butt my nose in but it needs to be said.

You're 100% misinterpreting/twisting what @Ragdoll Circus has said in order to fit your "I am bad" view of yourself.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want to challenge your idea that unconditional love means someone will stay forever.

If you think about it, these two things are a recipe for a VERY VERY unhealthy relationship. They mean that both parties are likely codependent and neither party has any boundaries.

Essentially------You can treat someone horribly and because they love you unconditionally they will stay forever. Not really a good idea, is it?

It's much better if both parties maintain boundaries and don't become codependent and enmeshed.

The unconditional love is very possible.

If you love someone and stay no matter what, that means you are willing to sacrifice anything and everything just to keep that person. That's not really a healthy concept in a relationship.

 

[desiderata310]

And there's no such thing as closure. There's just pain.

@UnicornSightings

Just to clarify, you opened this thread so you should not feel like you have to leave it. It sounds like this is (rightly) very raw and confusing for you. You do not have to pay attention, respond or even consider the views of everyone who responds - ESPECIALLY when the feedback gets overwhelming. While it's all well intentioned, it sounds like it's been overwhelming.

This is the joy and pain of asking for advice on a mental health forum.

If you've made a decision, you can breathe and be ok with that decision. Period. Don't second guess yourself.
World's greatest therapist or not, if she wasn't the right fit, that's really ALL that matters. The REALLY cool part is that if after a few/days/weeks/months/years... you can go back to that therapist IF YOU DECIDE YOU'RE COMFORTABLE DOING THAT and IF IT'S RIGHT FOR YOU. *shrug* There's not going to be any judgey judgey crap from anyone- especially the person who's trying to help you see things differently- i.e. the therapist.

And again to clarify: this site is for people who are both in therapy and not currently in therapy. So I hope you don't mean that you're leaving the site either.

As an aside:
I think you're right and wrong about the part about pain and closure. I think things always HURT but they become easier to deal with. Couple of examples: my brother, my HERO, passed away and it still hurts when I think about him (hell I'm getting a lump writing about him here) but it doesn't hurt the same way it did a year ago or even 6 years ago when it happened. I have been working on finding ways to love the memory of him and enjoy it without having ALL the pain, every time I think about it. It's been a hard thing to do.

The OTHER example is more physical: I broke my leg about two months ago. It doesn't hurt as much as it did the day I broke it but it still hurts and I will likely still have pain years from now on cold mornings or if I step the wrong way. There will still be healing and eventually it won't hurt the same way. It's a scar.

Scars make us who we are and that's not all bad. The scar from my brother's death makes me want to be a better, stronger person. The scar from my broken leg makes me a bit of a bad ass.

So in a way, they become good things.

Wow.. that was a long aside.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thank you guys. It's been extremely hard to read some of these comments but I know they were all meant to help me see things clearly. I am usually very strong and wise. And when this stuff comes up it throws me. So far. And I don't even know who I am then (now). I am so emotional right now and not used to feeling such raw pain. This transference stuff is no joke. It has never been so bad before. It's intense grief. I sent her an email to see if we could talk about this. I am so convinced she hates me. I'm usually fairly secure but with her and with this thread, not at all. I wrote in there she can go ahead and not reply if she's happy to have me gone and we can both pretend she didn't get it. Wanted her to have that option. Omg lol. Like really I DO like myself a lot of the time. In therapy lately we've been incorporating some freewriting stuff about childhood and other really vulnerable things I haven't talked about before. Maybe it's just everything at once. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of the emails. Canceling and asking to start again. This isn't the first time I've done this. Or the second. I thought I was past this crap. I thought I was stronger now. I'm feeling low but I'm really ok. Whether she says yes or no, I'll be ok. A shoutout to Ragdoll for being extra honest with me. I had no write to cast blame but it was a much better choice at the time than taking responsibility for myself. You get that, right? I'm sorry. Every decision I make is MINE. And I want to own every single one.

 

[Sideways]

You're doing great, and people here will be here to support you whichever way this ends up going. Keep us posted:)

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thank you! She got back to me and we're gonna meet to talk over this stuff. I want to bring this thread with me so I can show her what triggered me and where my mind was all at. So helpful to get to see my thoughts and how it spiraled. I don't know if we will continue working together. I really want to but have so many concerns over the attachment and my quality of life because of it. Hoping talking will help.

 

[Sideways]

That's great news, and I hope talking it through with T helps. She sounds like a good egg, so fingers crossed things work out ok for you. Probably wherever the conversation goes, it may strike a bit of a nerve because this is very personal and pretty painful and confronting stuff to have to work through. But if you're up for it, trust your T, because your T is there to help you make it through to the other side. She's only as successful as your recovery is:)