Balancing Blame

[Wolvescry]

I know that part of ptsd is blaming yourself, and I blamed myself for so long. But now when I feel most healthy is not when I deny blame, but when except some blame and more understanding. I am not saying I am completely responsible at all, but that some fault is okay to have. Like making a mistake. You can say yes I knew he showed abusive tendencies but I made the mistake of putting it aside.

By doing this, I can change that pattern. If there is even any. I don't know if this making much sense. I don't mean to imply that everyone is at fault in some way. I know all my abuse as a child I have no fault in, but my abuse as and adult can be used as a learning lesson. I know my future does not have to be the same as the past.

Right now I am recovering from a major break down. My suicidal idealization has lessen dramatically. Sometimes I wish people would understand that I do not want attention, I want support. Like, I do not want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand that I may struggle with things. Maybe one day I will be well enough that they don't have to.

 

[nursenurse]

It's not so much you taking the blame, i.e. you caused him to behave that way, but rather, you accepted your responsibility for the choices you made at the time, i.e. you put his abusive tendencies aside, accepted his abuse. He owns the abuse itself, you own your own reactions to it. This is huge, and kudos to you for realizing it and giving yourself the ability to move on and heal.

Every breakthrough like this is a step forward in the right direction. Good luck, you are made to be loved, to be respected, to be treated well. That starts from within. You are on your way.

 

[shimmerz]

My suicidal idealization has lessen dramatically. S

That is awesome @Wolvescry ! Any idea why it is lessening? Not that I am questioning it but rather having that awareness may help if you have another crisis.

but rather, you accepted your responsibility for the choices you made at the time

Such an important distinction. I like this @nursenurse. Thank you.

 

[Hashi]

I agree it's the difference between responsibility and blame.

I remember my therapist making the distinction between "you're asking for it" (blame) and "what are you thinking?" (responsibility). When she first talked about that I was shocked and didn't see much difference. It took a while for me to understand it.

Now I try to use "what are you thinking?" as a useful benchmark for taking responsibility. It can be a completely neutral question, and a helpful one. Usually, I'm not thinking. Or I'm thinking I'm not worth taking care of myself. Or I'm being unrealistic.

It isn't healthy to blame myself, but it is healthy to increase my awareness of needing to work on responsibility.

 

[Britt.f7]

The worse I feel the more I blame. The better I feel the more I take responsibility and put it where it belongs. Hard to say which comes first, the feelings or the thoughts.

 

[Wolvescry]

Sorry it takes a bit to get back, been a little overwhelmed. All the input and advice on here has been very helpful.

Shimmerz- I think it is lessening because I have a very supportive partner. I know I have to be strong, because he has put so much in me and I know he would be left so angry at the world if I finally gave up. When I am in that state it is much harder to strong for myself alone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I started therapy in 1985 and I wasted so many years of my process blaming and hating myself not feeling good enough etc. I do not do that anymore.

I think I could write the pamphlet what you can expect in the therapy process by now. LOL.

I am so happy that you have such a supportive partner and that you have outgrown some things.

I do not know your background but I know it takes as long as it takes and that is a life long journey to healing and recovery.

I began therapy with so many illusions and false beliefs that were so darn hard to uproot and get rid of.

I see my psychiatrist in six months and will probably begin to start working off some of my medication which has made me feel stable and consistant. It really helps me out so much. Good thread.

I am responsible for my own screw ups and try to go back and make amends now. But I am not to blame for the horrible abuses I endured and suffered.

For example, I had two bad nightmares last night, and I woke up very depressed and I was able to change my mindset and feel so much better now. EMDR really changed my life for the better. I think I was ready for it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I do not feel sick and tired anymore. I am still learning and growing and have the need for good support. It will always be with me.

I am so proud of the steps you are taking for yourself. You are so worth fighting for.

 

[Wolvescry]

gizmo-Your story inspires me so much. I am considering doing emdr.