Relationship Battle Buddies

[Artemesia]

Rebuilding a marriage is not for the faint of heart. Angry words have been said, loyalties betrayed, trust shattered, and on the brink of divorce once officially, and few more times since then. My husband suffers from PTSD, and it has taken its toll on our marriage. And I know it’s not done with us yet. Right now I find that balance seems to be the order of the day. Balance between being supportive, and making him do things on his own. Balance between living in a filthy house, and getting enough sleep. It usually goes messy until I clean it, I’ve tried leaving it for him to help, but usually he’s too depressed and unmotivated to do a lot. And that is the usual pattern. I try to encourage him, and he helps a little, but usually the tasks of a household just pile up until I don’t have a choice anymore and do it myself. Filth makes me depressed. And he hates himself for it, he hates the way he’s dependent on me. I don’t know what to say or do, what kind of line to draw to force him into action, but I know he needs to help me. I told him the other day, I can’t keep going at this pace; it’s going to kill me. Are you going to help me before it does? I pretty much do almost all the housework, manage the finances, and work 48 hours a week at a stressful hospital ICU, I’m taking a college class, and I volunteer once a week to provide pet therapy to other people with PTSD. Oh, I also manage 50 or so honeybee hives, so we can keep our side business alive. What do I do for me…I get a massage once a month or so, and I have a therapist. Yesterday, I took the day “off”, after I got my college homework done of course. I visited a few friends for a trivia night at a pub. It was nice to take a little break. My husband finished a load of laundry and unloaded the dishwasher. I feel we really need to get back to the basics, before we can work on us. How can I expect him to put energy into our marriage when he can barely get out of bed in the morning? I don’t have the energy either, I have too much else to do. So my best plan of action is to continue this holding pattern, and focus on the basics. One foot in front of the other, breath, step again…repeat. We’re battle buddies now, and I’m carrying him out because he’s wounded. But this should only be in a crisis situation, not for years. So the question is, if you pardon the metaphor, is he going to be able to stand on his own before I can’t carry him anymore?

 

[desiderata310]

Is he in therapy?
NOTHING is going to get better unless he is

 

[Artemesia]

Yes, he is getting treatment from the VA, two different doctors, one therapist, and other one manages his meds. Right now we are looking forward to him getting started on cognitive processing therapy. He's had treatment for insomnia, anger management, and a full month of residential PTSD treatment. It has helped some, he doesn't yell at me anymore, and holds a full time job. I'm happy for those tiny steps, but its such a slow process.

 

[desiderata310]

I don't have a partner but I know that there are days that seem just impossible for me. I've been in therapy for over a year and a half and we haven't even touched trauma. We're just working on getting stable. FOR ME, it's exhausting. If things were different, I would be grateful for a partner to help me.

I don't have the magic number of how long this will take. I would suggest doing this: keep a journal if you don't already. Keep track of his symptoms and the progress. That way you can look back and KEEP saying that you are *THIS* far along. It may never be perfect again but it will get better.

It's wonderful that he has you. That doesn't help on days when you are at your wits end. I know that money is probably just as tight as time. Can I suggest something REALLY simple? Take a walk together once a week or do something simple that lets you both spend time together in a setting away from the house, stress, etc and lets you try to rebuild intimacy? It will help him to feel connected to you and not dependent on you. Find ways that he can be your champion and let you lean on him that he CAN do. Talk to him about it and make suggestions if you have any. I know that I do better if I feel like I can have a positive impact on my world- even amidst all the hell in my head.

Is he on here? Maybe suggest this site?

I'm sure there are other supporters here that have better ideas than I would have.

 

[Kefira]

Too tired today to respond much, I'll come back once I can better collect my thoughts, but:

I'm happy for those tiny steps

It really doesn't sound like tiny steps. He's in treatment, helping around the house where he feels able to do so even if it isn't all the time or as much as you need, sounds like he's aware of and working on his anger/behavioral issues and making improvement AND he's working. Full time no less. The last time I worked in a traditional job full time it just about killed me.

He's not where you want him to be. It sounds like he's frustrated and HE isn't where he wants to be, which is a horrible situation without any quick fix. But that doesn't mean that you should lose sight of the progress he is making and discount it as unimportant or small. He's aware, he cares, and he's taking steps to continue to heal and improve. That's huge.
Just a thought.

 

[Friday]

Hiring a maid & an accountant is a helluva lot less expensive than hiring a divorce attorney.

Not everyone is good at everything. Your husband has a disability, and those 2 areas seem to be what's stressing you out the most. Some people hire mechanics, or electricians, or send their kids to school instead of homeschooling. Hiring a maid &/or an accountant is no different. It takes the pressure of having to do a thing ourselves that we either suck at, would love to be good at but are not inclined at, or pure & simple don't have the time to do without going stark raving mad.

Being ADHD means whether I'm working a minimum wage job at a kitchen, or pulling in 10k a week contracting, that I always have an accountant whenever I'm working. ((I tend to hit up the PTA for a stay at home parent with their CPA who misses their beautiful orderly numbers ;))). I don't have one right now, because my PTSD has been so bad the past few years I can't work.

Ditto @Kefira, a helluva lot of PTSD folk can't work. If your husband is working, that's huge, not a tiny thing. When my PTSD gets bad? I can't take care of myself hardly at all. Sleeping on a beach & f*ck the world & eating maybe once a week can't take care of myself. Also ditto @desiderata310 It sounds like your husband is actually fighting really freaking hard and doing fairly well. So it's time to work smarter, not harder, and shift some of the things he cant do right now, and that are stressing the hell out of you! :)

_______

ETA... Just to avoid a thread-jack... @desiderata310. Yep. :D My personal belief is that a maid is a C.O.D. Gift from God. They're not always a line item in my budget, but if I'm symptomatic or stressed out & working? Damn straight. I can't think straight when my house is a mess, but I can't clean unless I can think straight. Vicious cycle.

 

[desiderata310]

@FridayJones I am almost in TEARS at the thought of hiring a maid. It's pretty much just me and the 19 y/o but most of the time I can barely manage to do things like remember to eat and keep the laundry going enough to have clean stuff to wear. The idea of hiring someone to come in and clean for me? OMG. Ok, there they go. I am crying. I am having a hard time taking care of myself a lot of the time.

Doing that would be huge. It would take an enormous burden off of me if I didn't have to do that. That's not an exaggeration. I am looking forward to going home today and hiding from the world because I've been so stressed out and triggered since I got up that I can barely make through the day. If I knew I was going home to an orderly house where I could find my underwear tomorrow without having to dig and I wasn't going to find a sink full of dirty dishes from ME (the 19 y/o does his fair share and he's rarely home) and a pile of laundry that was NEVER going to get folded?

The stress level wouldn't go away but it would go down significantly.

Umm... @Artemesia I am guessing that your husband would probably appreciate this as well- especially if it meant that you were less stressed. Hell, I think I am going to start digging into my budget and figure out a way to afford this. It's not selfish or lazy. I can honestly say this is self care.

 

[joeylittle]

The one day every two weeks when I come how from therapy and my house has been cleaned....it's so, so meaningful to my mental health. The budgeting that I have to do to make it work, it's worth it, so so worth it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Artemesia, Sounds like some compassion fatigue is setting in... it happens to the best of us supporters. Carrying double the load wears everybody out at one time or another, especially when does not seem appreciated at all.

I agree with the maid idea that some of the others have mentioned, right now that seems to be a major source of stress and depression for YOU. If you are the caretaker/supporter, you need to be functioning as well as you can. Remember how you said you only get a massage once a month and have a therapist just for you... the maid can be just for you. Your sanity. Your gift to yourself.

My advice would be to start taking better care of yourself. Supporters have to learn that skill... self care. Our sufferers can't take care of us a lot of the time, so if we don't do it, who will? Also, I would stop considering things in the sense of a time frame and just look as things as a progression. He is doing better now than he was before. He will make more progress eventually. PTSD is such stubborn disorder... it takes it's own sweet time. He sounds like he is making pretty good process if he is back to work and learning to manage his lashing out behaviors... just remember where he WAS, and where he is now.

Welcome to the forums. We have a great supporter section, and a lot of us are with Combat Vets also. It is a great support system and sanity saver sometimes.

 

[Artemesia]

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. I do try to remember what progress he's made, indeed he needs reminding too, it gives him some encouragement. I will look into the maid idea too.

 

[JEM]

Wow. Both of you are employed full time?
Please consider getting some domestic help. Someone to keep your home in order on weekly basis would help you greatly.

 

[DarkSideOfTheSoul]

I agree with others that a maid is in order. Perhaps getting help from a friend who's great at crunching numbers to help out with organizing your finances, or an accountant. Despite the looming 'D' word (divorce), it sounds like there's still a lot of love there or else you wouldn't be reaching out on here for help. I'm amazed your partner holds down a full time job..plus he's made progress in therapy. I'd say, focus on the positives in your marriage. Maybe, leave some little notes around for him to say encouraging things to him (there's more than one way to communicate :) Do little things like watching a funny movie together while he's lying in bed depressed, or a short walk & tell him all the reasons why you fell in love with him in the first place. I understand about a messy house, yet your love for each other, and all the experiences you've shared together are much more important. I know you have expectations of your hubby pitching in...it's normal. Yet, PTSD isn't. From where I sit, he's made great progress. Perhaps you can put that on a sticky note & put it on the bathroom mirror where he'll see it. You stated that you volunteer one day a week to help folks with PTSD. Is there a way you can stop that for a while, in order to gift yourself the time instead? After all, your friends could be the volunteers to help you-help-your-hubby with PTSD? It would afford you some more ME time. As important as your volunteering is, right now, your marriage is more important imho. Just some thoughts...All the best to you and yours.