Relationship Beauty & The Beast

[Lady of Longbourn]

The allegory use is being taken too literally.

You even mentioned a castle in your post:

Am I remaining in a self negating relationship and should accept that he's granting me the chance to leave him behind in the castle with his curse to pursue "what(ever) I want"

Love isn't enough. It's not the just the allegory you are using. You have to leave the mind set that love will be enough.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/it-takes-more-than-love.9032/

 

[Justmehere]

The allegory use is being taken too literally. I simply meant the symbolism to represent PSTD, 'the beast', as one of the many layers of my loved one. On MyCombatPTSD threads veterans refer to it in this manner too. So at times it masks him, yet I still know he's there underneath it all.

I get it. I'm not trying to read too much into an allegory or metaphor. And I sense that you have a lot of compassion for him.

I'm trying to point out not just an allegory you used, but an overall trend in your post. It is something that is very important and difficult to understand.

Yes, he has PTSD, yes, that is a part of him and there are other aspects to him.

However, there is a great danger for a suporter to say PTSD is a mask or a curse or beast in this allegorical sense. It's really important to understand that it's a part of him. There is no cure, and especially in his case, there is little reason to believe it will improve. This is him, as he is.

Many supporters struggle to understand this and that love isn't enough to get the man underneath it all to come out.

In fact, supporters do a disservice to PTSD sufferers by forsaking all their own need to try and help unmask or change or save someone from the very real beast that is PTSD.

It's a very hard thing to face this reality. It means that you can't fix him or rescue him, especially when he is rejecting appropriate options to get better. Additionally, getting better doesn't mean the beast goes away.

Never ever excuse his behavior as not being him but just the PTSD - you do a disservice to his recovery and yourself if you do. Thinking of PTSD like its this beast and not at all him is a good way to end up inadvertently enabling him to continue as is, to stay on the hellish place that he is in, and to not get better.

Also, it's not as simple to say you are the beauty in the castle - you have "stuff" that you bring into the relationship too. I'm guessing you know this, and this is not a judgement on you at all.

You are a very kind and compassionate person, and I hope this works out. In order for both of you to be the best you can be, it's good to take off all the blinders, as much as possible (and we all have blinders, and we all need help and outside feedback to see things more accurately.)

In the end, you know him and you better than anyone here and the choices are up to you.

 

[scout86]

Love probably isn't "enough" but it's not "nothing" either.

And I'm too f***ed up, beyond repair."

That is an example of the kind of thinking that's going to create problems in a relationship. Common enough feeling, but it's a feeling, not a fact. As long as he has himself convinced that it's true, he's never going to get past it. HE defined himself and his limitations for all time, right there.

THAT is one of the reasons that therapy is helpful. at least for me. I find it quite helpful to have someone I respect, and who seems to have a pretty functional grasp of how the world works, tell me when I DON'T have a very functional grasp on the way things actually are. (I get that sort of thing around here too.) It doesn't sound like the two of you have the sort of relationship where you can play that role. That isn't a problem, but his best chance to get better is if he gets that information somewhere and then the uses the information.

As far as whether or not PTSD can be "cured" or not, I, personally, don't know. I tend to think that most things that can be done can also be undone, but it might be pretty difficult. I also know that, if you break your arm bad enough, it may never be "as good as new". But, it MIGHT be pretty good and pretty useful too. Generally that kind of healing doesn't take place without some work and some pain. Maybe a lot of both. But, that's HIS job, not yours. You might be the reason he wants to try, but the trying would have to come from him. The work has to be his too. The pain might belong to both of you. If I was in your position, I might give thought to a frank conversation, on a GOOD day, about how seriously he took that "beyond repair" business. His attitude will probably be his first limiting factor.