Becoming... Your Abuser

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm scared. Because lately I've noticed when I'm not doing so good I start becoming like someone I loathe. Which is my mother (who was my abuser as well).

In addition to the traumatic behavior (being skiddish like a deer and trying to avoid confrontations of any kind with people), when I'm doing bad I'm quite the egocentric, antisocial type -exactly who she used to be. In fact when I was a kid and I had to go someplace with her, I would be so incredibly ashamed of being related to her, I would try to walk as far away from her as possible.

She's prone to anger and stupid, derogatory comments towards other people (especially towards service people like waiters), feeling that she's the center of the world or entitled to treat people like shit because (her reasoning) this world is a horrible place and people will betray you anyway so you might as well not care.

Also she is somebody who is very isolated, is always moving from place to place, like she can't find peace anywhere. She's manly and doesn't care about her appearance at all, she gets clothes from the dumpster and she always looks like some kind of wild stray.

She's also with a ninety year old man for a relationship (she's fourty years younger) because she can't handle any kind of relationship that's more in her own age range and that's more challenging. Sometimes I'm so much like her that I can't tell the difference between me and her anymore...

And it just makes me sick! Maybe some of you recognize this phenomenon? I'm wondering if someone also started discovering they were becoming like their abuser and tried something to change "back into theirselves..."

 

[DMerish]

As a child you were influenced (and possibly adopted) some of her behaviors which is a completely natual thing that children to do. You are definately not your abuser and cannot become her unless you unconsciously continue those behaviors and make them a part of yourself. You're an adult now, separate from her, and no longer need to inwardly identify yourself with her. A big bonus for you, which your mom probably didn't and doesn't have within her, is that you are becoming conscious of the unhelpful behaviors - with consciousness of them and work on yourself you can become free - or at least somewhat free. Take care of yourself.

 

[HelenB]

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with your identity at the moment. I know for myself that my biggest fear has always been that I would become like my mother and always said that if I did become like her I would kill myself, which I know sounds very extreme, but it really has always been such a massive fear for me.

I would agree 100% that you are not your mother and know that though it is hard know that recognising how much you are separate people is so important. You will have been influenced by everything which has happened to you, but from your post it is so evident that you are aware of the aspects of this which you are struggling with, and think this in itself is such an important thing. You do not want to be like your abuser, and for this reason I do not believe you will. You will have very different motivations and experiences. I know that for me, my journey towards healing has very much been about finding who I actually am in the middle of everything else. I think that ultimately for me, finding myself more and more within this, has helped me tremendously on my journey and helped me separate myself more from the fear of how I believed I would be, which in the long run, had helped me move away from these behaviours, as I refused to take them on and did make that declaration of the person which I do know I am.

I do not know if this will be any help to you, but certainly can recognise the things you are talking about and really hope you are able more and more to find and have the confidence in yourself and the person you truly are.

God bless
Helen

 

[Woof]

More often than I care to admit....I become the abuser.
I can be abrupt and yes, abusive. Much to my chagrin, this is a fact. But, what do I do with it?

This is a crucial question! One I should keep in the forefront of my consciousness! But I often don't. I can be just as viscous as my abusers. I can do just as I was taught! But karma is in and of itself, for me, immediate and without prejudice! I know immediately, what I have done, said or implied.....again, it's like rolling over my own cat! I feel horrible!

It comes down to, for me...do I react...or do I respond. More likely I will react. Yes, like a Pavlovian Dawg! But there is another part of my mind that asks...yo Woof, can ya respond in a different manner? Well, sometimes no, sometimes yes. I am not always good at predicting when and how I will "react".....but slowly (painstakingly slow) I am learning to "respond -vs- "react""...Sometime I am better at this than others....

Knowledge of self seems to be crucial in my experience. I forget sometimes how much I do know, about myself. With knowledge comes x-amount of responsibility....and that responsibility is my own. Yes, it is true, I need NOT treat people poorly...but I need to understand why I treat them as I do.....Yes, my abusers are in their place. But as a Survivor, I need to keep my place in as tight an order as I can muster......no doubt, this is a challenge! I wish you....

Much Peace
Woof

 

[Lost Pup]

I worry about and struggle with this all the time too. It's hard and sometimes very frightening.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your replies :-)

Yeah it's frightening, but after reading your reactions I'm actually really glad that I became aware of this. When the idea entered my head, I started thinking about it and suddenly discovered that I was becoming like her in pretty much all the corners of my life (well almost all of them, I like to think that I would never beat up people like she used to).

Worse is that in the scarce moments that I have told her how I was doing (through the mail), she has responded that I am so much like her. Which creeps me out even more, her trying to tell me that we have all this horrible stuff in common. It's bad enough that I look like her physically and my own face reminds me of her! Let alone having those horrible personality traits.

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with your identity at the moment.

I like the way you phrased this. Because exactly, I try to find out who I am, but then I find myself eclipsed by these influences from the past and during the eclipse I can't remember exactly who I am. After yesterday I actually started to remember again! But I've never really known who I am exactly, I suposse it's a journey of discovery like you say.

But karma is in and of itself, for me, immediate and without prejudice!

Haha exactly. It rains down upon you at the same moment that you are reacting instead of responding. I suposse the thing is to stay aware of yourself all the time, which is a tough thing to do, because it's so easy to forget about yourself and just be a reaction to everything around... luckily we remember at times!