E
Echo
I've just driven home in the dark from my therapist's in rather a state. Flashback stuff all the way. We talked about my sleep problems and she confirmed my suspicion that my bed is a major trigger for me. It interferes with my sleep every single night.
I'd really like to hear from people for whom this is also the case, perhaps with some ideas about how you manage it.
At the moment, my preparation for sleep consists of trying to spend at least 2 hours winding down. I listen to Tibetan singing bowl music or binaural beats or chanting, and the like. I take sleep herbs prepared by my wonderful herbalist and I also take two Asphalia capsules, a natural sleep formula. All of which knocks me out. So I get into bed chilled and calm, but the minute I lie down with my back on the bed, my heart starts racing and it lasts all night at times. I get irregular heartbeats very frequently. My therapist has in the past suggested coughing to restart my heart, which sometimes works, but it does not stop the racing. So there I am, in a drugged but triggered state, generally awake until at least 3am. Then I fall asleep for a couple of hours at most, and then have to get up to go to the loo. Then I'll lie awake for another hour or so. By the time it is time to get up, I am exhausted. I work as a freelancer at home, so mostly I realise there is no way I am going to get any work done in that state, so I try to sleep a little more, by which time, a good part of the morning is gone. I really need to break this pattern. I am so glad I've finally realised, after a year (I am quick to catch on, you can see!), what the reason is, but I am desperate to do something about it, so that I can start working properly again.
I know at least some of the reason why. I was first assaulted when I was about two weeks old and have a distinct memory of being flat on my baby back with my arms and legs flailing. Then I was forced flat on my back and pinned down when I was 20. I was raped, strangled and smothered, and I don't know how I got away with my life and away from him. That was in a tent, however, albeit on a blow-up bed. There is lots of abuse-related stuff in between those ages, too, though nothing that I have yet remembered quite matches the trigger for me. Funnily enough, I do have a memory of being flat on my back in my pram in the garden and the memory was that I felt safe, relieved that everyone was leaving me alone, with the sun on my face and the cat snuggled up with me.
I live in a very peaceful close with only owls infrequently breaking the night silence. My cats tend to sleep in the next room, but do both come and pin me down in the early morning, which feels comforting, if not a bit too warm at times! There is nothing I can think of in my environment that triggers me, aside from the bed itself.
My therapist has suggested talking to the part of me that is so scared (probably parts in my case), and we both agreed this is going to take some time. However, she's about to go off on Granny leave for a few weeks and I am about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, so my sleep is going to be really important for me. I'm about to send a letter to my abusive parents to tell them my diagnosis and just exactly what my symptoms are - effectively telling them just what they have done to me. I'll be asking them to give me space to heal and I'll be setting some boundaries and asking them to respect them (for the first time). Actually, I fully expect them to ignore my wishes (why change the pattern of a lifetime?) but more than anything this will give me my first chance to speak my truth and stop living their lies. I'm already in a highly anxious state about this so night-time is just going to get worse.
I do very badly on meds. My GP just gave me diazepam, supposedly as a muscle relaxant for my dislocating shoulder and ribs. I took only one and started to vomit, and all the rest of the contra-indications. So I'm not looking for meds, but rather sleep preparation rituals, perhaps , that work for you, or anything really that you think might help.
Many thanks in advance.
I'd really like to hear from people for whom this is also the case, perhaps with some ideas about how you manage it.
At the moment, my preparation for sleep consists of trying to spend at least 2 hours winding down. I listen to Tibetan singing bowl music or binaural beats or chanting, and the like. I take sleep herbs prepared by my wonderful herbalist and I also take two Asphalia capsules, a natural sleep formula. All of which knocks me out. So I get into bed chilled and calm, but the minute I lie down with my back on the bed, my heart starts racing and it lasts all night at times. I get irregular heartbeats very frequently. My therapist has in the past suggested coughing to restart my heart, which sometimes works, but it does not stop the racing. So there I am, in a drugged but triggered state, generally awake until at least 3am. Then I fall asleep for a couple of hours at most, and then have to get up to go to the loo. Then I'll lie awake for another hour or so. By the time it is time to get up, I am exhausted. I work as a freelancer at home, so mostly I realise there is no way I am going to get any work done in that state, so I try to sleep a little more, by which time, a good part of the morning is gone. I really need to break this pattern. I am so glad I've finally realised, after a year (I am quick to catch on, you can see!), what the reason is, but I am desperate to do something about it, so that I can start working properly again.
I know at least some of the reason why. I was first assaulted when I was about two weeks old and have a distinct memory of being flat on my baby back with my arms and legs flailing. Then I was forced flat on my back and pinned down when I was 20. I was raped, strangled and smothered, and I don't know how I got away with my life and away from him. That was in a tent, however, albeit on a blow-up bed. There is lots of abuse-related stuff in between those ages, too, though nothing that I have yet remembered quite matches the trigger for me. Funnily enough, I do have a memory of being flat on my back in my pram in the garden and the memory was that I felt safe, relieved that everyone was leaving me alone, with the sun on my face and the cat snuggled up with me.
I live in a very peaceful close with only owls infrequently breaking the night silence. My cats tend to sleep in the next room, but do both come and pin me down in the early morning, which feels comforting, if not a bit too warm at times! There is nothing I can think of in my environment that triggers me, aside from the bed itself.
My therapist has suggested talking to the part of me that is so scared (probably parts in my case), and we both agreed this is going to take some time. However, she's about to go off on Granny leave for a few weeks and I am about to do the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, so my sleep is going to be really important for me. I'm about to send a letter to my abusive parents to tell them my diagnosis and just exactly what my symptoms are - effectively telling them just what they have done to me. I'll be asking them to give me space to heal and I'll be setting some boundaries and asking them to respect them (for the first time). Actually, I fully expect them to ignore my wishes (why change the pattern of a lifetime?) but more than anything this will give me my first chance to speak my truth and stop living their lies. I'm already in a highly anxious state about this so night-time is just going to get worse.
I do very badly on meds. My GP just gave me diazepam, supposedly as a muscle relaxant for my dislocating shoulder and ribs. I took only one and started to vomit, and all the rest of the contra-indications. So I'm not looking for meds, but rather sleep preparation rituals, perhaps , that work for you, or anything really that you think might help.
Many thanks in advance.
