Before Trauma/ After

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Before Trauma, I was an extrovert. I was a social butterfly. I was the life of the party. I loved people. I loved having a full calander with events. I was popular.

After trauma, I hate people. I realize hate is a very strong word but it's how I feel. My friends don't understand. My family is judgmental. The medical community inadvertently invalided my experience. Everyone I loved and used to respect has told me me in some way to just get over it. And their opinions. What??? How can they have an opinion about something they know nothing about?

I feel so split. Fractured from before/ after. Anyone else notice this?

 

[Ronin]

I noticed those very deep & for reasons splits can coexist.

And that I can act on things I don't feel at the moment, move my life to the point I start giving a f*ck.

Also that talking about whatever it is helps. So cheers on doing that and venting.

 

[The Black Phoenix]

I feel split too, and sometimes I wonder what I would be without trauma shaping my life. I look at pictures of myself as a child, and as you watch the age progression, the "light" in my eyes gets dimmer and dimmer. The last time I smiled was a long time ago. I like to believe there is hope, and I think you will find a way to get back to yourself. You are still fundamentally you with some trauma icing that can be scraped off over time. Some days it just doesn't feel that way. Hang in there. You aren't alone.

 

[shimmerz]

I was an extrovert. I was a social butterfly. I was the life of the party. I loved people. I loved having a full calander with events. I was popular.

^^^ This. So very much.

I didn't hate people, I was just really disappointed in them. I knew most of these people upwards of 40 years and they knew me. I found it really hard to swallow when they seemed to have that 'what are you, nuts?' look about them.

Over it. Took me a long time but I realized in the process that I worried too much about what other people thought of me.... took that into myself. Mistake. It is all such a learning process.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

It's hard pill to swallow. I'm just trying to get to know the new "me".

The new me likes to spend time alone. I only have a few people in my life that I trust. The new me doesn't care if people like, the new me cares if I like them.

In a way, I can find the positives. It's just hard to wrap my mind around how innocent I was. How easily I floated around in this world. I miss that.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

"Before Trauma"

I saw that and realized I don't have a Before.
I knew that, I just, I don't know..

I read the words "Before Trauma" and for a split second, I felt jealous
How sick is that?

I wasn't making any kind of comparisons or judgments

I was resenting my incomprehension of "Before Trauma"

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I'm sorry @Alice.in.Wonderland

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

@Alice.in.Wonderland the more I think on it, the more I feel the same. Crazy right? Envious would be the word. I wish I didn't know the "Before" like if this has been how it always was, I would have nothing to compare it too. No significant contrast.

Guess, we always think the grass is greener. No matter what the situation.

Life is definitely not fair, but I do beleive it can still be good. When were in the situation, or as children our choices are taken away. We have no choice in the trauma, outside of it we do. And My choice is going be look for the good, find what I am grateful for, and focus on this inside my circle of control.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

The best book I read recently was "Boundries". @shimmerz Learned I gave my power away to other people way too easily and I had terrible boundries.

Definitely a learning process for sure

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah, me too @Myanxietyhasanxiety. I have learned to shore them up now --- the way I see it is if I can do it anyone can. I was hopeless that way. :blackeye: I will take a look at the book you recommend. Thank you.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I'm sorry @Alice.in.Wonderland

First I want to say :sorry: I'm sorry :sorry:

I had been writing and working some things out. I took a break, popped in the forum and your thread was featured.

The resonating truth was palpable.

Next thing I knew, :sick: I was vomiting all over your thread.

There's no flowers icons but consider them presented with my apology :shy:

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Your so sweet @Alice.in.Wonderland . No apologies needed :) I promise I didn't take it personal. I'm healing and I'm at the stage where I understand that people do not say/do anything because of me. We see things through our own filter. I understand how you felt. That's why I wanted to say I was sorry.

Hugs to you!