Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Great day today. I had a flashback but it was still a great day. My friend came round this morning, so great to see her, even though I only saw her yesterday. A few hours together completely relaxed, no stress.

Then I finally moved my birds in to their new aviary. So what if I may have to pack them up and move them again soon, they are so happy! I have had such a good day overall. I am feeling so confident and buoyed up.

 

[Wyakin]

I'm laid on my side. My ribs hurt, my head is throbbing. He touches me. Undoes my clothes. I can feel him against my back as he does this. His hands running all over me. He catches the ribs he bruised earlier with his boot. I flinch and he stops, whispers, soothing. I feel myself drifting as he touches me lower. My thoughts run away even as my body reacts. He kisses my neck and tells me to relax. He starts to undress himself as I lay next to him staring blankly at the wall.

When he is done he rolls me on to my back. I am limp, no fight left in me. He forces his way inside me, he repeats how much he cares, how much he loves me. The pain from my bruises is too much. Tears leak from my eyes. He asks me what's wrong? Aren't I enjoying it. He is. His breathing is rapid as his body moves faster. Everything hurts more. Eventually he finishes and lays down on top of me. He kisses me. Instinctively I kiss him back. He rolls to one side and hugs me until he falls asleep. All the while I lay there, tense, waiting. I hurt so much, inside and out. No one knows, no one cares. I am alone.

 

[Wyakin]

I'm cable tied to the radiator. Not for the first time. It's uncomfortable but not awful. At least it isn't dark here. I can hear him moving about down stairs, I wonder when he will come free me. I hear the click of the boiler downstairs but I think nothing of it until the radiator starts to get warm.

The heat on my wrist is ok at first, almost nice after sitting in a cold room on my own for hours but then it gets hotter. I try to move my hand back but the cable tie is tight. Only my right hand is restrained. I tug at the tie but it is heavy duty and pulled tight. The heat is starting to hurt.

I look around but cannot reach anything to free myself. Tugging at the tie only makes it cut my wrist. I take off my sock and try to shove it in between my wrist and the radiator but even that won't fit. My skin is starting to blister as the temperature rises. I continue tugging and scrabbling, bracing my feet on the wall, holding my arm and pulling but it just cuts deeper in. The blood has made my hands sticky and is dripping to the floor but the burning won't stop.

Eventually I can't take it any more. I cry out. Fearful of punishment but desperate to get away from the pain. He comes up stairs and for a minute he can't seem to figure out what is wrong and why I would have fought so hard when normally I sit so placidly. Then he realises. He rushes over and releases me, supports me to the bathroom and shoves my wrist under the cold water. He apologises again and again.

Afterwards he tells me I should thank him for rescuing me. I let him do what he likes, anything to avoid being on the radiator again.

 

[Wyakin]

I'd been feeling good today. At least I thought I was. I have sat down now though and realised it was just me keeping busy. I haven't even stopped since coming back from work. Just kept busy. Cooking dinner, walking dogs, sorting my aviary, hoovering up and washing my dishes.

Now I am still though I feel myself slump. The barrier I had built to get through the day falls to pieces and everything catches up to me. I have to have it though. I have to have my walls in order to seem normal enough. This new stress of possibly losing my job and my home is wiping me out.

I am hiding and retreating more than ever. In denial trying to pretend nothing is wrong. I am returning to the person I was who acted as though nothing has ever happened. I can't keep that up constantly though. I still lose control and it swallows me, taking me back to that place. The more I push it away the more it takes me by surprise when it does come. As though all the denial means I miss the warning signs.

I do not know what is for the best. Allow myself to let my guard down a little, to begin to accept my memories and maybe keep a little bit of control but potentially lose my home and job. Or put my walls up and pretend I am fine all the while allowing the memories to catch up and take over when I least expect it but act well enough to keep my home and job.

It is so unfair. I don't know what to do.

 

[Wyakin]

I haven't written in here in a long time for me. I seem to have got out of the habit. I'm up at a silly time this morning though so I thought I would come and share my thoughts.

I've not been great lately. The added stress of possibly losing my job is taking it's toll. Worse flashbacks, body memories, a menstrual cycle that cannot decide what it's doing and now apparently my nose has decided that regularly bleeding would be fun.

The silly thing is the last couple of weeks I have really been on top form at work. Busy with rehoming and taking in animals. It has kept me on my toes and reminded why I do my job. The staff have pulled together, with the odd exception, and seem to be really getting along. The whole place just seems brighter for the hustle and bustle even if we are all tired from being short staffed.

I have been pushing myself though. No little breaks to calm down here and there, returning straight away after lunch rather than taking an extra five or ten minutes to calm down if I need it. It shows. The evenings when I get home and stop have been really difficult. My friend has been fantastic for coming over and helping me calm down and come back from wherever I have disappeared off to this time.

She's back at work now after her op. Today will be our first time working together in nearly three weeks. I've really enjoyed spending our days off together. We went out somewhere different on Saturday. The garden centre was good and I picked up some pots and things for my aviary but the farm shop tipped me over the edge. I basically glued myself to her until we got out. It was good to get out in the big wide world though even if it was only for a little while.

My aviary is coming along nicely. I have decided not to let what is going on at work put me off working on it. If I have to leave I will take it with me. I now have two new canaries and I picked up four Star finches last night. They are currently in their travel box waiting for the sun to come up so I can release them in to the main aviary. Orion is hounding Agaro though so I may have to turn the light out soon and put them back to bed until I am ready to put them out. Elara and Vega seem happy though.

Life has just become a waiting game at the moment. Waiting for treatment, waiting to hear my fate. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I am so tired if waiting and in general. A good nights sleep would have been nice. Maybe tonight I will take more of my tablets. I hate feeling groggy in the morning though.

 

[Wyakin]

Tomorrow is D-Day, I find out if I get to keep my job. I hope I have done enough to save myself but for the first time ever I will be putting my foot down and asking for accommodations. I have worked my backside off these last five weeks and have suffered severely in the evenings because if it. I can do my job just as well if not better if they actually give me a chance to use my calming techniques. All I need is the odd five or ten minutes here or there to make use of them.

 

[Notsowild]

@Wyakin... I've been thinking about you. Hope everything is alright. If not we are here for you.

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @Notsowild Sorry I haven't replied sooner. Been a busy few days. My meeting went well though. They basically back tracked on everything and my friend and I got an ideal opportunity to push our opinions on the issues with the centre at the moment due to the change of management roll.

I have also been busy playing with baby Quail and Gouldian Finches. I am in a positive place though, still quite reactive and had a few nightmares but my friend has been around a lot to help. I am feeling ok.

 

[Wyakin]

I haven't written in while. Tonight I have the evening on my own to myself so I thought I would come here.

I have put my music on and got myself a cup of tea. The dogs are settled on the furniture apart from Malcolm who is chewing a hoof on his bed in the kitchen. The quail are running around and talking to one another next to me. Three weeks old they are now. The hamster is running in his wheel and I have just shut the aviary up for the night. The veg for the animals is already chopped for tomorrow and my chicken coop is set up ready for the arrival of new chooks this week.

My living room and kitchen are clean and tidy. My house is starting to really feel like home. There is still a lot to do but with the next 7 days off I will make a dent in all the jobs I have planned. Including building a pen for the quail and chickens. As well as mowing the garden (injured finger allowing) and cleaning the aviary.

I met my therapist on Friday. For the next 11 weeks I will see her every Friday afternoon at 2pm. She seems nice even though I made very little eye contact. I guess she is used to that though. I have some jobs to do before next Fridays session. I will take my Rubik's cube, she wants to see me complete it because my previous doctor told her I could.

It's the next step in my recovery. It is daunting. My friend is here for me. Always. She took me to my first appointment on Friday. She still supports me when she can. I really don't deserve someone so caring in my life. I feel safe and happy when she is around and even if I am triggered and struggling just having her there makes everything easier. I miss her when she isn't here. Tonight is her wedding anniversary so I won't message her unless she messages me first. I hope she enjoys herself.

I am feeling positive. I think a whole week of not having to get up and put a brave face on things is just what I need. I haven't had this long off work in a long time. I am so much more relaxed knowing I don't have to get up tomorrow and go in. I do love my job but I think everyone needs a break every now and then. This is my break and I can already feel what good it's doing me.

I have had the odd incident, I got triggered by a TV show today but I realised what was causing it and once I switched it off everything calmed down. I have eaten and spent a few hours with my family.

I did injure my finger last week falling over my old dog and sometimes I am finding the pain from that triggering. Wednesday was particularly bad and I ended up missing the morning of work. I was ok by the afternoon although I was very tired and I made it in to work to finish the day.

My coping strategies are coming more naturally and I am feeling generally positive in myself. Long may it continue.

 

[Wyakin]

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to. I have had a great week off. It I has had it's ups and downs but I really don't want to go back to work. I can feel my apprehension rising and myself shutting down.

It has been a busy week today and yesterday I took in five new family members in total. 3 chickens and 2 harvest mice. My hamster passed away on Friday but he had recently had a stroke so I was expecting it. I emailed a rescue and they have set me up with the two mice. They are fun to watch and the chickens come from my friends. They are all older in fact two of them are the parents of the girls I lost to a fox earlier this year. The quail are coming on leaps and bounds as well, I have a good mix of male and female so I will be keeping them all. The dogs have had several walks with friends dogs so they are all zonked and my aviary birds are doing well including my Star finches. Orion and Elara are trying to make babies.

I love my animals. They bring such joy to my day and one if the things I love about having time off is having extra time to spend with them. I really don't want to go back to work. I get to work with other animals but I am so much happier in my own home with my own family.

Going back to work has one upside, I get to see my friend more. However that is double edged. I get to see her but I am not allowed to act like myself around her or give her support or receive support myself as I would like. We have to be standoffish I keep everyone else happy. No laughing, joking or spending much time together.

Hopefully soon we will find out what will be happening with the management structure of the centre. That would go someway to making me feel better. I hate uncertainty.

Oh well. I should stop mulling. I have to go back and that's that.

 

[Wyakin]

6 years of safety. I'd begun to live again. I'd even begun to love and then he came, on Monday.

His anger was clear. How dare I run from him in town the past week. He shoves me and calls me names. No one is nearby to hear as my face collides with my car. I land on the floor but only briefly before he drags me up and shoves me towards the shed. I hit the door and fall inside.

More names as he pins me to the freezer. A dirty whore who could carry anything he calls me as he puts his condom on. Downwards he yanks my trousers and underwear, shoving my face into the freezer as I tell him no.

I feel him force his way in, pain unexplainable, indescribable. I am tearing in two as he moves back and forth his noises as he thrusts deeper only of satisfaction no care for the person beneath him. I fight a little but I know there is no point. He keeps going faster and faster. Calling me names, telling me what a bitch I am.

Until he hears a bark, deep and menacing. My dog stands in the doorway, my boy, my saviour, he growls between barks. My abuser pulls up his trousers and runs, I tell my boy to stay though I wish I could unleash him on him. Still the abuser runs as I stand safe behind my boy and watch as he flees.

 

[joeylittle]

@Wyakin, I'm so sorry to read your post. If this is something that just happened, please make sure you are getting yourself some support, if you can - or write, if you need help. And you are not any of the things he said to you. I'm so grateful for your dear dog being there, and sens you as much care and warmth through the internet as I can.