Being Chronically Avoidant Of Emotional Closeness Means...

[EveHarrington]

They feel they do nothing wrong, even when they are doing stereotypical abusive things. What is wrong,...

I've had creepers who do the nice guy thing with the "but I'm NICE!" excuse. They knew they weren't engaging in typical abusive behaviors.

My point is that some people really are that stupid. Maybe not this guy, but some guys are. It's not just about being nice, it's also about the other person wanting and accepting your nice behavior.

 

[scout86]

it's also about the other person wanting and accepting your nice behavior.

This is just an observation and a question, because something occurred to me when I read that and I'm really wondering.

You know how sometimes we get REALLY hung up and invested in NEEDING to have someone accept out point of view? You absolutely can't let it go until they see it your way? I've seem it happen here. Is his behavior a version of that, maybe? Maybe it's not as much something "bad people" do as it is something some people do, at least in some situations? I'm not saying that makes it a good thing to do, mind you. But I'm remembering a few times on here where members latched on to the need to sell their position to absolutely everyone and it got messy, but they couldn't just quit and walk away. And I'm wondering if he's not doing the same thing, in a different situation.

 

[Justmehere]

I knew a little about his legal situation, enough to know I didn't know the full story. I knew he was going through a divorce and cancer too. He went through a very uncommon type of trauma and spilled out all over on FB about it. He got snarky rude comments mixed with kind ones, and offered to be a safer listening ear, privately, on FB message only. I had been through the same kind of uncommon type of trauma. My therapist knew back then, said it was a good thing for me too, to connect to someone who had been through it. I didn't share much with him at all. Just two sentences about it. I was clear about he boundary from the get go. FB message is the only thing I can do...

He actually asked at one point if his mom could talk to me on FB. I said yes and we talked about what she could do to support him through the trauma recovery. She was sweet. We talked more than I talked with her son...

He respected the boundary and was respectful to me until the day he signed the plea deal and he divorce papers. It was like he let go of his marriage and his right to a trial and suddenly had to have me, and couldn't let go when I wasn't willing to agree.

The police told me he was threating to sue them. That may be playing a role in their adversarial treatment of him. I don't know the whole thing is confusing for me. Talking to the DA and the police was like talking to vultures looking for red meat. They also told me of prior problems with him - that helped to know. I talked to the victim advocate too, and told her I had been through previous trauma and I can't handle someone new victimizing me and the whole process. We came up with a good plan.

I actually reached out to his defense attorney. I know. Most people would not have done this. Maybe it was stupid or not. It was my choice and it was an informed choice. I gave the attorney a heads up that hey, his client needs to get his act together and probably needs more support than he has or the attorney and him are gonna both be in court just a few days after probation started on a probation violation involving a crime against another woman. I made it clear that if this guy contacts me again, I won't hesitate to pursue charges. His attorney didn't ask me further questions - it would have been inappropriate for him to do so anyhow - and I would not have answered if he tried - but he thanked me profusely and said he would immediately call his client and his parents - who were visiting from out of town to help him get through this.

He has now left me alone, so far.

The ability to tolerate a disagreement is such an important one. Even more, the role of stress in dysfunctional behavior is huge. He treated me ok, until the day I think he finally accepted his marriage was over and his chance to clear his name if the charges was over. When he let go of his right to a trial and his marriage, he hung on more tightly to me.

I hope he lets go now that everyone has made it clear its time to stop or he loses everything.

I'm also less worried he will escalate. It's possible, but the police were reassuring. I also kind of like the fact that as long as he stays away from me, I don't have to deal with going to court against former friend who has been through hell and back and is acting out and needs treatment and recovery, regardless if he goes back to prison or not.

 

[Anarchy]

You know how sometimes we get REALLY hung up and invested in NEEDING to have someone accept out point of view? You absolutely can't let it go until they see it your way? I've seem it happen here

:x3::sorry:

 

[Anarchy]

Fingers crossed that that is the finish of it at your end.

Well done :hug:,
I think we've all learned from it.

 

[Deleted member 29889]

...I attract people who like me when I'm the most emotionally distant and unreal.

And it feels awfu...

The guy is being a jerk.
He's disrespecting all the boundaries you have set.
He acts like you've not said, "No," to him multiple times already.

Obviously, being "nice" and trying not to hurt his feelings aren't working.
Forgive me for being so blunt, but you've already suffered enough over this situation. IMO, block the jerk completely on all media and tell him that if he ever shows up to your door or tries to bother you that you will call the police....and mean it. The days of being nice to this guy should end. Let him know that if he tries to continue contacting you in any form or fashion you will consider it harassment and/or stalking and will take whatever legal action necessary if he does not immediately cease and desist attempting to contact you.
After informing him of the above, block him to heck and back and into the next century.
He is definitely not your friend. You hit the nail on the head when you indicated that friends don't push boundaries.
If he shows up in person, call the police. Have nothing to do with him at all. Screw his little feelings and his big ones too. Your safety and sanity come first. No explanations and no apologies need come from your camp. He needs to move on down the road and find somebody else to harass or who will fall madly in love with him. However, I suspect it will likely be the former and not the latter.

Best of luck with the situation.

I apologize if I seem bossy. Just lemme know and I shall rein my opinions in.

 

[Justmehere]

MO, block the jerk completely on all media and tell him that if he ever shows up to your door or tries to bother you that you will call the police....and mean it.

Already did that. He was blocked form all social media and contacted me via other public means of contact. I told him I would contact police if he contacted me again in any setting, and I already notified the police, DA, and his attorney and probation officer of the situation. They have already spoken with him and he has since left me alone.

The days of being nice to this guy should end. Let him know that if he tries to continue contacting you in any form or fashion you will consider it harassment and/or stalking and will take whatever legal action necessary if he does not immediately cease and desist attempting to contact you.

I not only told him, I notified his attorney, the DA, the police. As explained above, they are ready to arrest him on harassment charges and add a probation violation count if he so much as contacts me or any friends and family about me. He has been made aware of this from all parties, not just myself.

If he shows up in person, call the police.

He has been notified if he enters my county without the probation officer's permission, even if he doesn't come near me, he will be arrested. If he shows up near me, I will use the silent alarm (Lifeline app) to notify the police of my location and need for police assistance.

He has told others he will leave me alone, and he has now left me alone. I am hopeful he gets the message. I do think you are right he will get pushy with others until he sorts out these underlying issues as to why he does this kind of thing.

I'm hopeful this short chapter of his out of control behavior in my life is over. :)

 

[Deleted member 29889]

Already did that. He was blocked form all social media and contacted me via other public means of co...

Good for you!!!
May the scumbag never bother you again!
:)