Being Depressed With Suicidal Thoughts - It's The Only World I've Known

[Briellewannabe]

I think my greatest struggle is the depression and suicidal thoughts--the anxiety and bad memories or dreams I can deal with, and certainly they contribute to the depression, but they are not the root of it. I don't know what is. I don't know why I don't want to be here, why I never wanted to be here (starting at age 5ish), even when days are good. I don't understand why I don't feel good, or often feel miserable, when nothing is going on or even when everything is going right. I don't know why it never seems enough, why I still want to leave, regardless of people I meet or successes I make. I still don't want to be here. I still hate it--nothing has ever seemed to change that in two decades.

My life has been weird... at time it's been really good and others really bad, with a lot of craziness in between. I wonder how much is me and how much are social factors. How badly did my parents screw me up or was I simply screwed up already? Did I contribute to the way I am now? How? What could I have done differently? Would it make it better? Just different? Worse? I can imagine worse, I can't imagine better.

I still don't always believe there is a better or a different. People talk about being happy, or finding it abnormal for someone wanting to die, but why am I weird and they're not? As far as I'm concerned, their world doesn't exist and they too are faking it. Plastering that smile, laughing at jokes that aren't funny, or nodding along as if they care. They can't mean it anymore than I do, surely. At the end of the day don't they too wish they could stop pretending? They can stop trying? Don't they just want to be done too? I wish they'd acknowledge it if this was the case, then we all could agree that we don't want to continue and could collectively blow up the planet. No more pretending. We all get what we want.

 

[Esterio]

I think my greatest struggle is the depression and suicidal thoughts--the anxiety and bad memori...

Thanks for the post Briellewannabe. Welcome I'm sorry for your struggles. Now you have found our community you are not alone in this any more. This is a good place to come and share your thoughts with others that have been there and do understand. Life can be difficult especially when we realize we can not go it alone and we need help. Glad that you found us Welcome. This is a big site go look around. I hope to see you around. I am around often and willing to talk and listen if need be. nice to meet you

Peace be safe

 

[joeylittle]

Hearing you, @Briellewannabe.

Are you currently working with a therapist or psychiatrist on your depression?

 

[Briellewannabe]

Are you currently working with a therapist or psy...

I am... I started with a therapist in August and then started EMDR with another a couple weeks ago. The coping skills they discuss helps with the PTSD/anxiety, but nothing does with the depression or suicidal thoughts and feelings. At the end of the day, I still struggle with just wanting it all to be over. My therapist has recommended considering a psychiatrist recently, but I'm having difficulty being okay with possibly being medicated, as a big part of me just wants to die, and there's also the problem of it being ridiculously expensive.

 

[ms spock]

I have lived your life. It is not easy.

 

[Twilight]

I think my greatest struggle is the depression and suicidal thoughts--the anxiety and bad memori...

There was a time I was soo suicidal, I thought everyone else was, too, and that they were pretending that they were happy. This is a LIE from the devil.

You can be filled with joy. I am. But, the suicidal thoughts come at times, especially with EMDR. When I relive the abuse and have emotional flashbacks of worthlessness, pain, abandonment and utter lack of love, I want to die. What saves me is knowing THIS IS TEMPORARY. Once i am free of the memories and painful emotions, there is room in my heart for love, joy, forgivenss. This is called RECOVERY and it is possible. Keep working at getting better, and dont give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[ms spock]

Reading the David Burns book "Feeling Good" was of assistance for me. Breaking down distorted thinking is very helpful. He writes about suicidal ideation really well.

 

[Briellewannabe]

It doesn't feel like a light at the end of the tunnel, or that it will get better. I feels like this is it, this is all it's ever going to be. I've tried to change that. I'm trying therapy and EMDR, I'm trying talking to people around me, self-care, acceptance books, etc... it doesn't change anything and sometimes it seems to make it worse when it doesn't work. I don't know why I am the way I am, but it seems rather permanent, and I hate it. I feel like I've done my part and the world has answered with a, "yeah, that's life." I don't want a part of it. I feel so done trying and pretending.

 

[ms spock]

@Briellewannabe I felt like this for the longest time. Remember that depressive thinking takes us over and we feel that it has always been like that, is always like that and will always be like that. But that is our brain lying to us, because it is depressed.

It is really hard when you work so hard and seem to make such little gains - you have my deep empathy and sympathy for living through that type of thing.

Just chipping away at is the way to go. Have you read the David Burns book? You can watch him on youtube. Have you read Kristin Neff's website? You can read. listen and download her work for free. You can watch her on youtube as well. the dbtselfhelp website is really good as well. Lisa Dietz has put together a great DBT website. My favourite Instant Mindfulness was Radical Acceptance for the longest time. Instant Mindfulness You can work through the dbtselfhelp website in your own time.

Self compassion used to trigger off a fair bit of suicidal ideation - but I just did it little bit by little bit and now I can do it most days.

When you have no self compassion and severe self hatred it is very hard to get any traction in recovery. I also have a severe reactive attachment disorder as well - that has complicated things as well. Kristin Neff writes well about how when you start Self Compassion it can set off backdraft.

Some people find that when they practice self-compassion, their pain actually increases at first. We call this phenomena backdraft, a firefighting term that describes what happens when a door in a burning house is opened – oxygen goes in and flames rush out. A similar process can occur when we open the door of our hearts – love goes in and old pain comes out. There are a couple sayings that describe this process: “When we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved” or “Love reveals everything unlike itself.” Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

Keeping going when you have no hope is very hard, but possible. Just one tiny step at a time. Sometimes just standing still was a great challenge for me. I have seen a lot of people on this forum recover, in what seems to me, to be a short time, indeed.

We are who we are - so it is okay to be you.

If none of this is of assistance, please ignore, and just take it as a sign of support.

 

[Briellewannabe]

@Briellewannabe I felt like this for the longest time. Remember that depr...

Thank you for all that information Disco Dancing Queen, I really appreciate it and I will take a look at it after I finish with finals next week. I know self-compassion is something I struggle with, as is self-hate, but I genuinely don't feel like that's ever going to change, and part of me doesn't want it to. In a long complicated mess, self-hate is what has kept me going.

But even before self-hate I was depressed. Even as a five-year-old with no care in the world I wanted to die. My early childhood was fine, good even, but I still struggled with suicidal thoughts even then, acting on them sometimes when I tried to freeze myself to death in a deep freezer, or suffocate myself between mattresses, or down myself... even if I get rid of the self-hate I still have to content with that. Self-hate or lack of compassion didn't cause me to feel this way. I think it's just the way I am and I'm not sure there is a better for me. Part of me wants there to be, and another part just wants to know I've tried everything so I can have an out, saying I literally tried everything I could to make it work in this world.

 

[ms spock]

I know self-compassion is something I struggle with, as is self-hate, but I genuinely don't feel like that's ever going to change, and part of me doesn't want it to. In a long complicated mess, self-hate is what has kept me going.

***nods with understanding***

I have found it very difficult to let go of my maladaptive coping mechanisms - you are so not alone with this struggle.

Part of me wants there to be, and another part just wants to know I've tried everything so I can have an out, saying I literally tried everything I could to make it work in this world.

You are suffering from extreme depression. I feel for you.

***nods with empathy***

Do you have a trauma therapist to ring? A crisis line? A mental health team?

Do you have a plan for suicide? Time to reach out right now if you do!

 

[Briellewannabe]

***nods with understanding***

I have found it very difficult to let go of my maladaptive co...

You feel like you were able to let go of them? What do you use instead?

Do you have a trauma therapist to ring? A crisis line? A mental health team?

Do you have a plan for Suicide? Time to reach out right now if you do!

"to ring?" - are you from Britain? I do have a therapist, two actually, one I've been working with for a little bit and another that I started EMDR with, but neither of them are really to deal with the depression. One keeps mentioning going on meds, but I've been really reluctant to do so. Beyond monetary concerns, I feel like if that was the only option why bother?

No, I don't have a current suicide plan, but I always know my options. When I'm back home there's guns at my disposal, when I'm at school there's 1 building that's 6 stories tall with a roof access. I found myself up there the other day and wrote goodbye letters to people. I didn't have intent even then, I think I just needed to know that it was an option and that I was prepared if I took it.

I seriously do not have a current plan. I always have the desire, only once did I have an actual plan and attempt to go through with it and that was when I was a teenager, years ago. I think my bigger problems are the not having plans and days just getting really bad.