Being Emotionally Present

[7Cs]

I am often in a state of numb/ emotionless but not necessarily in a bad way. It's not the kind of numbness that feels completely empty which is rather distressing in the sense that it feels like something is wrong or missing.

It's more like I am just not emotionally present. I'm not happy when I should be but I'm not sad either. I don't feel loving towards those I know I love... just neutrality.

When I do feel I'm more likely to feel anger and frustration but I don't think I'm depressed. I rarely feel "good" or "happy" even when I have cause to. I do have "emotional flashbacks" (sad abandonment/ trauma related) which are overwhelmingly.

I think this lack of feeling is a type of dissociation as are flashbacks in my opinion.

A new therapy goal is to be emotionally present (my idea).
The purpose is to not be emotionally distant from the here an now in a way that I feel nothing and at the same time to not be thrown back to old emotions via flashback either.

I have no idea how I would accomplish this and I'm supposed to bring some ideas to my next T session.

Thoughts?

 

[Friday]

If you're often in that state / not always... Is there anything you can think of that you're connected for/with? If so? From my own life, I would try just doing that for a time every day. Get used to being emotionally present regularly. Later? Work on extending it. Both the time with the person/thing/place/situation that you are normally present with (time), and with other things that feel easy-ish.

 

[Poofycat]

I'm working my way through a book called "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" and I think it's really helped me identify the way in which I'm numb/disconnected from my emotions. There are exercises in the book that help you ground and become fully present. It's scary at first, like a turtle sticking it's head out of it's shell. But I'm hoping with time it will become my new normal. So I guess my idea for you is to ask your therapist about that book. I really like it so far!

 

[BlueOrange]

EMDR was very powerful in terms of connecting me to myself, although it's a pretty serious coping challenge (as tough as a flashback).

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am often in a state of numb/ emotionless but not necessarily in a bad way. It's not the kind of numbness...

I used to experience that, but something has changed and I am not allowed to be in that state anymore, and frankly: it pisses me off. I would prefer to simply block crap out, but alas it has been decided that is not going to happen.

Which really, really makes me mad, gosh it makes me mad as hell.

 

[7Cs]

I used to experience that, but something has changed and I am not allowed to be in that state an...

I know sometimes it can be comforting and comfortable.
Sometimes though, I think we can miss a lot of good feeling when we're like that.

 

[Rani G2]

@7Cs

I have similar issues, and find it hard to perceive my own emotions. Naming, describing them is more like a hide and seek game. Being overly cerebral, I tend to over analyze, put out theories and this doesnt seem to help much, when it comes to docking on to the emotional process. Some Traumatherapists ask to find that one thing we liked to do most, as a child? Go ahead try, do it. And, I think? Whaat? I am a grown person, this is ridiculous. I have only once played with paint, throwing paint on a white sheet. It had a small, mini effect, as if “coming home“. Those untouched emotions that still might linger, waiting to be discovered.
I dont know why I still have difficulty trying this out.

 

[7Cs]

@7Cs

I have similar issues, and find it hard to perceive my own emotions. Naming,...

As far as finding something from childhood that I enjoyed doing most, that may be one of the issues...

While reading about this topic (researching) over the last week, I came across this theory that resonates deeply with me.
I can't quote it directly or give the source because I just jotted it down in my "journal".

Basically that I learned that feeling - any feeling - will cause pain. Even the good, happy feeling will end at any time and therefore cause pain. So if bad feeling = pain and good things = pain then just stop feeling.

Unfortunately, the bad stuff breaks through easier than the good.

I try to avoid any memories from my childhood because even the "good" ones hurt.

 

[Rani G2]

Basically that I learned that feeling - any feeling - will cause pain. Even the good, happy feeling will end at any time and therefore cause pain. So if bad feeling = pain and good things = pain then just stop feeling.

The numbness, the fuctional mode has been working well, just like you say:

I am often in a state of numb/ emotionless but not necessarily in a bad way.

The inner fragilty, I feel is better being controlled rather than being felt. Thats what I have been doing, and still do. What does happen though, is that once I am confronted with situations when triggering happens, the numbness might reduce its capacity to hold those emotions. Its like: Aggressive person arguing with me = I shout back, rage appears on my platform and I have no capability to influence that emotional condition. I personally feel that the numbness is hindering me on my ability to regulate those emotions. Its as if I am so surprised with those emotions, because I kept them under control, locked up safely. Nothing wrong with that, but in the long run keeps me with less self knowledge.