Being Hurt Too Many Times. Giving Up.

[Thinkingman85]

I've been hurt by many people that were close to me. The problem I face is that I cannot ever convince myself that the effort to make it in life is worth it. When I was doing very well the trauma occurred. When I was at my peak! It's like God chose the perfect time to ruin everything. I believe that it has robbed me of any chance of living a good life. I isolate because I don't want to have to deal with the dramas of life. If you've been hurt so bad, you don't want to be hurt again. Basically, it seems like I've accepted not having a social life or being close to anyone because the life that I held so dearly was ravaged. The pain of having been treated like that is unimaginable and I guess I have lost faith in the universe ever blessing me with a good life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember feeling similar feelings like that a long time ago. I am sorry you are in such great pain. Hang on, you do not know what good is around the corner for you. Life is full of changes and growth. We need our mistakes in order to learn and grow. And always remember moving targets are harder to hit.

 

[a3a2]

I am sorry you are having so much pain, Thinkingman. I'm glad you seeking help here on the forum. Are you taking any other steps toward healing? I have found therapy to be very, very helpful and some medications as well.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I've taken steps. I went 12 weeks to therapy and taken medication. They only alleviated some of the pain. Every time I go out in public, triggers cause me to react with angry feelings. I just want to release this anger (more like rage) but I don't know how. My therapist wanted me to just shift attention away from my feelings and try to move past them, but that is not possible. I've debated on moving to get rid of the triggers but I don't think the PTSD will disappear even if I do. As a sufferer for six years, I'm pretty sure that moving on isn't the answer. It's like trying to put dirt over lava. I just want to give into my feelings because they are so strong.

 

[a3a2]

I just want to give into my feelings because they are so strong.

I struggle with this, as well, Thinkingman. I am struggling with it tonight.

12 weeks of therapy isn't a whole lot, in my opinion. Especially considering how much trauma it sounds as though you have been through. I know it is hard work. I know it hurts, but I think it is worth it to keep on fighting.

I really like something Anthony wrote in Renni's thread about telling yourself the truth. I can't remember the wording, and I am getting pretty tired (long day here). If you don't find it yourself, I'll try to cut and paste tomorrow.

I hope you have a good night....or day....depending where you are.

My therapist wanted me to just shift attention away from my feelings and try to move past them, but that is not possible.

I am not sure this is reasonable for him/her to ask of you. Perhaps you need a trauma specialist.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thinkingman, it does sound like you need a better therapist. Is this a possibility for you at the moment?

But please don't give up hope.

 

[rightkindofme]

I've been in therapy for 27 years. At 12 weeks you are just scratching the surface.

I've been hurt by a lot of people. I don't know those people any more. But I do trust other people. I trust them slowly and in very small increments. If I'm not ready to die today (and I'm not) then I don't want to be alone.

My husband says the secret to happiness is low expectations. I expect very very little from him. So I am pleasantly surprised on a regular basis. :)

 

[Hashi]

I have to agree that 12 weeks of therapy is not much. Even if it was good therapy, it would hardly make a dent. I strongly suggest you seek out some good trauma therapy.

With regard to making it and having a good life... I've had to radically adjust my thinking on that. I used to think a good life was a pain-free life. Now, I think it's about making the best of the life I've been given and the adversity I've been given. Without trauma I might be aiming for all sorts of wonderful things. With trauma, I'm aiming to recover and be the best person I can be now. In the end, in one way, there's no difference.

I wish you healing.

And I wish you some good therapy for a decent length of time.

 

[Thinkingman85]

My therapist recommended a trauma specialist. I could get one if I wanted to. I just think that I'd get trapped in a process of living a PTSD-based life and give up on the possibility of living a normal one. I don't want to walk around as a a PTSD sufferer. Personally, I don't think therapy will get rid of my issues. Some, not all. I've had a dream since I was 14 to succeed in music. I'm fairly known but my hopes haven't come to fruition. I had a 4.0 in college but couldn't firgure out what major to choose because none of them would be able to fulfill me. I'm basically starting to accept that life sucks and I might have to give up and throw away my dream. I don't rush to get settled into a mediocre life. Instead, I wallow in pain instead of putting in work to live an unsatisfied yet secure life. People think it's so easy to just give up on a dream and do what the average person does but that's not true. I just wish one day that I could find contentment.

 

[Abstract]

They only alleviated some of the pain

It sounds like there has been some improvement and even in just 12 sessions. I think that's very promising.

It doesn't sound like you have done work on the actual trauma as yet. Is that correct? Sadly PTSD is not something that tends to respond well to pretending it isn't there. If only. Believe me I have tried and still try.

If you give up and don't continue working on getting better and facing the PTSD then that is exactly what will make you continue to walk around as a PTSD sufferer.

 

[Hashi]

Thinkingman, I agree with Abstract.

I see having therapy as the opposite of living life as a PTSD sufferer. I expect to be finished before another year. My last few symptoms are well on the way to being resolved, I'm learning to live life awake (ie not dissociated) and I'm finally able to start working towards having a good life rather than dragging myself through a bad one.

Having said that, someone can only get out of therapy what they're willing to put in. If you're fixed in your belief that it wouldn't help you, then that will affect your approach to it and it probably wouldn't. So I'm not going to try to persuade you, but I wonder if you might leave a door open to the possibility of thinking about it again in the future?

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but it's up to you of course. I can only wish you well.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have not found that being without a therapist makes me "normal" it makes me unable to cope. I have PTSD. Having a therapist is not what makes that true.