Being Hurt Too Many Times. Giving Up.

[Thinkingman85]

The reason I haven't gone to trauma therapy is because it seems like the more work I do, the worse I get. I guess right now I'm just taking it easy and letting the storm come. I feel better if I listen to music and watch movies. Getting into the hardcore work lingo probably isn't in my best interest right now because I don't think I could emotionally deal with all of the deceptive people. Maybe it will pass. Every time I try to succeed there is an automatic response telling me, "You're a loser. You shouldn't be alive. You're too damaged. There's no chance. You're not as emotionally strong as others and you can't handle it." Also, this emotional response fights against me and I begin to feel unstable, depressed, and angry. It's like my brain is programmed for me to die. I can't explain it any other way. I'm concerned that this PTSD will indeed lead me to absolute failure and death.

Previous trauma was caused because of emotional battles with people. That is probably the one thing that I can't stand in life most. I don't want to have to battle people, but I know that it's a reality. Because of PTSD, I feel like I can't hold my ground with people emotionally. I severely want to hurt people because of how I was hurt. If I sense a small threat, my fuse goes off. I like people in general, but I don't think they like me. That's why it's hard to get involved in anything.

 

[Thinkingman85]

If people caused my PTSD, how can I get back to living happily and peaceful with them again? That is a question I deal with.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well yeah. It will get a lot worse before it gets better. If you are 12 weeks in you haven't even hit the really hard stuff yet.

Medication is a crutch and doesn't do the work for you.

I live peacefully with my husband and two children. Even though I have serious rage problems. I have figured out how to do this. It was a very long road.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Honestly, I just feel like my life is over. I lost my mom when I was 15 to a brain aneurysm and my father to a massive heart attack at 17. The rest of my family has drug issues and I refuse to be a part of it. It's hard doing everything alone because there's no way of being able to tell if I'm doing the right thing. I can't call my dad and ask him for advice. I don't know what I'm living for anymore. It feels like there is noone to make proud. Before, I could make my family proud, but it doesn't matter anymore. If I succeed, who will be proud? Me? Alone? There's no fulfillment. It's just hard, sorry.

 

[Abstract]

In my experience it takes just trusting the process for a while. I know those are overused words but there is truth there. Its no use making decisions purely based on PTSD thinking.

I don't mean trusting in a literal way as I don't think it;s necessary to trust that it will work or that things can better. I also don;t think it's necessary to feel deserving or that we should be helped. All it needs is for us to take the necessary steps and put one foot in front of the other.

Feeling hopeful about future relationships, trust in human beings and ourselves and finding fulfilment comes way down the line.

I say that because I have lived it. When I truly started engaging and working hard I had no trust in anything or that anything could change and had total self hatred and yes, I never had anyone to support me and still don't. Noone in my life knows about the PTSD either.

You can of course choose to give up and just live with these ways of thinking and feeling and stay in PTSD land but I hope you don't.

 

[a3a2]

I just think that I'd get trapped in a process of living a PTSD-based life and give up on the possibility of living a normal one. I don't want to walk around as a a PTSD sufferer. Personally,

You ARE right now, trapped in a PTSD-based life. You ARE walking around as a PTSD sufferer. Therapy is what will help you break some of the PTSD chains. But nothing will help until you admit you need the help. And that is a very difficult step.

 

[rightkindofme]

The life you had *is* over. That is a fact. But that doesn't mean you have to die. It means you need to figure out something to live for.

My father raped me for over a decade and then committed suicide rather than go to prison when I pressed charges. My mother is out of my life due to extreme abuse and neglect. I have no contact with anyone in my biological family because they hate me for pressing charges against my father. I should have kept my mouth shut. They are all, of course, drug addicts and alcoholics.

I did not find someone to marry for a long time. I had children because I could not handle being alone. I don't think I trust my husband to be in my life forever.

I don't have anyone to call. I ask the internet questions.

I am living for me. I don't believe in G-d. I don't think I am living for anyone else. I was born on accident. I was a rape baby. If my mother wasn't Catholic she would have aborted me. Instead I have lived through hell.

I live for me. It is hard. I don't feel proud of myself even though I do some cool things.

Life happens. Some lives are rockier than others. You keep living just because you are still alive.

I teach. I like working with children. Sometimes my friends tell me that they are proud of me. It has taken a long time for me to have friends I trust. It's all a process.

 

[Thinkingman85]

The life you had *is* over. That is a fact. But that doesn't mean you have to die. It means you need to figure out something to live for.

You are absolutely right. Sorry about the horrific things that happened. I'm glad you are doing well. After the trauma occurred, something snapped in me. You said that you like to teach and you enjoy working with children. I enjoy making music. I started making it when I was 14 (before the trauma) and am still making it 13 years later. My music is my legacy. Throughout the years, my music has been the story of my life. People think I'm crazy for still doing it, but it seems like it's the only thing that is sacred to me (besides life itself). After trauma occurs, it seems like you start to focus on the things you treasure. I may never make it in music, but at least I can be free from all the B.S. I also have trustworthy friends and tend to live for myself. My mindset is that if I don't do something important in life then I am wasting it.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think my biggest challenge is holding onto the pain and not knowing how to let it go. I guess it's sort of become a part of my identity and it's hard seeing myself not holding onto it.

 

[rightkindofme]

*nod* I hear you. I hear that you are feeling that way *right now*. This moment is not for always. Other moments can be different.

I am glad you have music. I can't carry a tune in a paper bag. :) I paint murals. I write books. (Ok, one completed book and two in progress.)

I think that "important" is one of those interesting things. I *do* do important things in the eyes of people who know me. They want me doing them. Am I internationally famous? No. Is that necessary in order for life to be worth living? How many people need to be glad you are alive? Two? Five? Three hundred?

What is important enough for you to live for?

No one can decide for you. I make long lists of things. :) One thing isn't enough for me.

And I have to say: doing things that other people think are crazy is how you will actually be an interesting person.

 

[Thinkingman85]

How many people need to be glad you are alive? Two? Five? Three hundred?

I honestly believe that thousands of people will have to be glad that I am alive. And I've always believed that this can be accomplished through my music. I sort of feel like fans of my music are my support system (along with my friends). What keeps me going is the thought that I will do something very amazing coming from the circumstances I was in. Defying the odds. My trauma has actually propelled me to think like this. It's probably detrimental but it's how I've found meaning.

 

[Abstract]

Needing to have value through fame or outside approval is itself linked to emotional issues and we can recover from that too. That doesn't mean it would in any way stop someone from being famous or successful but rather that it would not doom them to perpetual unhappiness. I have known many famous people and on the whole they are very unhappy and very unfulfilled and still feel very empty. When they are motivated to get fame for the reasons you describe. And fame always comes with criticisms etc an then that is devastating if you are relying on it for a sense of self esteem or validation of your existence. Hence all the drugging, suicides etc.

My advise to you is to use your love of music to motivate you to get better. You will be the best musician you can be if you are the healthiest you can be. It could be a powerful source of motivating fuel.