Relationship Being Psychoanalyzed By My Vet

[Sweetpea76]

The PTSD is like an unwanted houseguest that shows up at the worst times in our relationship. There is my vet, then there is "my vet on PTSD." He has a pretty severe case, and even after lots of treatment, when it flares up he is debilitated by it. Normally we handle things as they come along, but when he is doing particularly bad, it can be rough going.

I'm pretty sure he identifies as "the sick one". He is physically disabled as well, so I'm sure that adds fuel to the fire.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

So I am not a psychologist or love-expert of any kind but I have heard that man have a desire to be respected which is just as strong as the woman's desire to be loved.

Is there the possibility he feels not respected enough? Especially since you say he has a physical disability. Maybe people make "too much of a fuss" about it and he feels emasculated. You said he hates to use a wheelchair and uses a crane - that would be a sign of a man wanting to be strong and wanting to be seen as strong.

So I would try and tell him how protected you feel by him and how you admire his strength. A man needs the admiration of a woman far more than vice versa.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Is there the possibility he feels not respected enough? Especially since you say he has a physical disability.

The sence of normality comes from wanting to be normal in the relationship. A normal husband and wife union without the baggage. Human basic instincts are simple, man hunts and protects. That instinct is still there in a Veterans mind and means so much to his mentality.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Anything is possible, so it could be. I'm pretty sure his PTSD slows him down waaaaaay more than his physical disabilities though. He can power through a lot of physical pain and adapt to not having all his mobility, but he can't get past the PTSD when it is bad.

That may be the reason he is focusing on finding some kind of mental illness or disorder. I learned early on not to "baby him" due to his physical disabilities. That really bothers him, and he won't allow it unless he is in severe pain or genuinely has no alternative but to accept help. I don't notice his cane or other trappings a lot of the time. On the other hand, I tend to tiptoe around the PTSD more.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Just wanted to add that you don't come across as a person who does not look down on others. Pkease don't get me wrong.

 

[darrenS]

i would suggest a simple exercise, for every diagnosis he gives you , he must provide two positives of anything.

I don't think its fair to rationalise it and let it continue, this sort of behaviour becomes draining , nothing more , nothing less. Its like finding the string that unravels and provides no positive returns. It's his problem and he must learn how to control it, regardless of any condition he may have.

If he needs to play psychoanalysis , then let him do so ...with his therapist...not you

 

[scout86]

I'm trying to understand how he goes about this. It sounds like he's throwing this stuff out that as criticism. Is that right? I can imagine someone saying, for example "You're just paranoid" if they were trying to dismiss your concerns about something without really addressing them. Making YOU the problem, so to speak. And, I can also imagine someone truly thinking you ARE paranoid and expressing sincere concern over that. (And, there are probably other options. I'm trying hard to remember there are often more than TWO options. LOL)

So, how's he using this? Because if it's just a way to make the "problem" YOU instead of the actual problem, that's kind of mean and not very useful. I know you said he's doing this when he's having a rough time. And his version of "a rough time" is probably WAY worse than mine, but I really don't think his diagnosis is a good reason to jettison the rules of good behavior and polite conversation. If nothing else, he ought to mind his P's and Q's because you seem like you'd be kind of hard to replace!

 

[Sweetpea76]

i would suggest a simple exercise, for every diagnosis he gives you , he must provide two positives of anything.

I like this idea. He can be quick with the negatives and a bit on the slow side with the praise.

@scout86, I think it may be a little from both categories. I think he is making me the problem, whether he does it intentionally or not. I also think he tends to hyper-focus on any perceived flaw. I know everybody has flaws and that I am not perfect, but I'm sure a "normal" quirk in a supporter/partner probably seems like a huge potential threat to the sufferer/partner.

Just to give an example of his behavior... he was critical of the way I was dusting. I told him, pretty much verbatim, that if he wanted to commentary on my housework then he can feel free to pick up a dustrag and demonstrate anytime he'd like. He then proceeded to have this long serious conversation about how I cannot take criticism, and that it is a reflection of my low self esteem, which was probably because I was never able to please my father. I kid you not. I don't think I have particularly low self esteem, and my dad was pretty great to me growing up.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Just wanted to add that you don't come across as a person who does not look down on others. Pkease don't get me wrong.

Oh, sorry. I actually wanted to say you DO come across as a person who does NOT look down to others. All your post here have been friendly and kind so please do not get what I said before wrong.
Pretty sleep-deprived today. Sorry

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's OK @Lemontree, I got the jist of it... I speak "sleep deprived" fluently. ;)

 

[anthony]

Coping? More like projection of blame to his problems. He's looking for someone to blame when his symptoms overwhelm him.

 

[scout86]

@Sweetpea76 , you don't come across here as someone who has huge self esteem issues. I'm sure that gets old. It's actually also hilarious. I don't imagine he'd appreciate it if you treated it like a joke though.

My person philosophy on things like house work is that who ever has the lowest tolerance level can do the job. Back when I was married, my ex washed a lot of dishes and I repaired a lot of fences. The neighbors may have thought it was odd, but THAT part of the marriage worked for us. As far as dusting etc goes, it seems to me that one either dusts or appreciates the one who does. One does not stand on the sidelines and criticize.