So Ive been pondering about this for a long time without revelation - why this it bother me so much probably more then what is normal that Im seen as "sexy" ?
It just doomed to me now washing my face thinking about it. Of course. Mothers boyfriend thought of me as sexy. I grew up in a "sexy" home. He would like look at me in a way I guess men should only look at grown up females.
And then no one really saw me for the intelligent girl I was. Boys would see me for the ugly face they thought I had, but my body were supposely sexy.
All this made into a body object. I were never seen as me with intelligence and face to go with it.
So guessing that when men now call me sexy this is what tickels my bells. Been trying to tell my self that its better to be seen as sexy then not attractive at all. And many of us want to be seen as attractive. Now I now why Im protesting in my head. It means Ill be mothers boyfriends little girl. From neck and down that is.
Whenever I tried to talk with him like I guess its normal to talk to people about what I read and what I thought he would dismiss me. No attention. Go away stupid little girl. But when he wanted his sexual attention I was of course always good enough.
And later this became the story of how the boys would treat me. Not so interested in what went on above my neck my surely interested in what was below. I can still remember some one said to me as a teenager "oh so you can think" as I said something. It cut deep but I couldnt comprehend the whole picture.
And guessing further I think Im on to something of what cause me to split deep in addition to other trauma related stuff.
To be a total nerd as I were and to be treated as a total sex symbol from neck and down must have stirred my self value and self image deeply.
I know its thanks to my intelligence that I managed to get out of the worst hell I cant tell anybody about in my twenties. The neck and down was what led me into it.
And I guess further that this is the struggle Im battling with today. Ive been in the fitness industry as a trainer and it disturbed in ways I couldnt comprehend at the time. NowI see. Of course. The body. Again. And my intelligence was yet again dismissed. Body was seen as perfect, but why do I have to think so much and talk so advanced?
Further on this is why the thought of competition in Athetlic fitness rings wrong bells.
And why the last date from yesterday went down the drain. After I met date first time he said he think I am - sexy....
And yesterday on the date he treated me as I am - sexy. But everything I said seems to have gone in one ear and out the other like Im no one exept being a sexy object.
Somehow I need to reunite this diferent parts of me. Have no clue as to how, but I think its a necessary project.
Going back to school and being a serious student I guess Im confused in many ways, but its a path back to me before sexy.
It just doomed to me now washing my face thinking about it. Of course. Mothers boyfriend thought of me as sexy. I grew up in a "sexy" home. He would like look at me in a way I guess men should only look at grown up females.
And then no one really saw me for the intelligent girl I was. Boys would see me for the ugly face they thought I had, but my body were supposely sexy.
All this made into a body object. I were never seen as me with intelligence and face to go with it.
So guessing that when men now call me sexy this is what tickels my bells. Been trying to tell my self that its better to be seen as sexy then not attractive at all. And many of us want to be seen as attractive. Now I now why Im protesting in my head. It means Ill be mothers boyfriends little girl. From neck and down that is.
Whenever I tried to talk with him like I guess its normal to talk to people about what I read and what I thought he would dismiss me. No attention. Go away stupid little girl. But when he wanted his sexual attention I was of course always good enough.
And later this became the story of how the boys would treat me. Not so interested in what went on above my neck my surely interested in what was below. I can still remember some one said to me as a teenager "oh so you can think" as I said something. It cut deep but I couldnt comprehend the whole picture.
And guessing further I think Im on to something of what cause me to split deep in addition to other trauma related stuff.
To be a total nerd as I were and to be treated as a total sex symbol from neck and down must have stirred my self value and self image deeply.
I know its thanks to my intelligence that I managed to get out of the worst hell I cant tell anybody about in my twenties. The neck and down was what led me into it.
And I guess further that this is the struggle Im battling with today. Ive been in the fitness industry as a trainer and it disturbed in ways I couldnt comprehend at the time. NowI see. Of course. The body. Again. And my intelligence was yet again dismissed. Body was seen as perfect, but why do I have to think so much and talk so advanced?
Further on this is why the thought of competition in Athetlic fitness rings wrong bells.
And why the last date from yesterday went down the drain. After I met date first time he said he think I am - sexy....
And yesterday on the date he treated me as I am - sexy. But everything I said seems to have gone in one ear and out the other like Im no one exept being a sexy object.
Somehow I need to reunite this diferent parts of me. Have no clue as to how, but I think its a necessary project.
Going back to school and being a serious student I guess Im confused in many ways, but its a path back to me before sexy.
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