Being Submissive As An Adult After Child Abuse & Management Of Adhd

[Kieran]

I have never discussed this with my therapist mainly because it's something that scares me. A year ago, I had this abusive therapist, who, after I told about my abuse, said that I was just a bad as my abuser. She told me I was a liar who just wanted therapists to feel sorry for me. She told me to repeat "I'm sorry [her name]. I'm just lonely and bored." Like an asshole, I repeated what she told me to and hated myself for it. Even though I wasn't lying, it's so hard for me not to say no to people. She wouldn't let me leave until I somehow proved my child abuse and when I couldn't and dissociated, she just rolled her eyes.

I'm genuinely frightened that I will get hurt because I can't say no. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have advice?

Another issue that has seemed to arise lately is my inability to focus for more than five minutes. I'm getting tested for ADHD, but in the meanwhile, for those who have PTSD and ADHD, do you have any advice on management of the two, especially for work?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Wow. First, you are not the asshole, that so-called therapist is the asshole! In fact, she's the whole ass! OMG, that's terrible. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I'm sure many more people will weight in about this encounter with the t, and with saying no or not saying no, and putting yourself in danger, but I can address the issue of having comorbid PTSD and ADHD. Per my T, it's "a thing," i.e., there are reasons why it's hard to distinguish ADHD from PTSD that developed because of childhood abuse. Given what we know about how early trauma affects the developing brain, it's sort of a which came first, the chicken or the egg, the PTSD or the ADHD, kind of thing.

For me, I didn't get diagnosed (dx) with ADHD until I was in my mid-30s and had my depression and PTSD well under control. Then, I could clearly articulate that the difficulty with concentration, memory, and initiating, staying with and completing tasks was not due to depression, or being distracted by flashbacks, rumination or dissociation.

Now that my PTSD has reared its ugly head again, the best way I can describe the difference is how I feel inside, although on the outside the behavior can look the same. My ADHD doesn't make me stare blankly at my office wall for 8 hours, that's being dissociated. I don't really know where the time goes. I feel extremely guilty (with both ADHD & PTSD) and usually very sad about my past re: PTSD symptoms. I might stare out my window for an hour daydreaming due to my ADHD, and although I feel guilty, I'm not ruminating on my past or feeling anxious about anything (usually.) I'm just taking my brain off the hook and having a happy little daydream. With PTSD and anxiety I may feel very agitated inside due to scary memories; with ADHD I may be restless because I'm either excited about something or super bored with myself. ADHD "makes" me procrastinate; PTSD and depression "cause" me to crawl into bed with the covers over my head and feel like a terrible person. They feel very different.

They definitely interact and play off each other, however. I struggle at work and at home with just getting shit done, and that makes me feel terrible and can lead to a downward spiral. The good thing is, in my opinion (and I've worked with children and adults with disabilities, including PTSD and ADHD, for over15 years) the strategies for dealing with one transfer to the other.

Grounding and mindfulness for PTSD can help with ADHD, for example. You don't have to do quiet meditation to be mindful. Mindfulness can be very active. Getting grounded in the present moment to help with rumination and/or dissociation can also help interrupt (or at least recover from) an ADHD daydream. Physical activity, even just doing 10 jumping jacks (if you can) or standing up and stretching can help alleviate the physiological symptoms of anxiety and dysregulation of PTSD, as well as discharge hyperactive energy or "clear the cobwebs" out of ADHD spaciness. Exercise on a regular basis helps with mood, sleep, memory, and attention, benefiting both.

This is my favorite resource for ADHD, and I recommend it for anyone who is disorganized for any reason, regardless of dx (for example, I've recommended it to a lot of creative, artistic people, who just don't do the "file it alphabetically in a drawer" kind of thing.)

ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life, 2nd ed., by Dr. Kathleen Nadeau (a psychologist specializing in ADHD), and Judith Kolberg (a professional organizer.) The original edition of the book changed my life, and I am looking forward to reading the second edition since so much has changed. My office still looks like a mess, but I know where everything is, lol!

I hope this was helpful. Good luck, @el user.

 

[Keming]

Sympathies. And you ain't the asshole in that situation. You were trying to cope w/ an abusive person in authority. The invective and loathing would be more appropriately directed at her. Good job getting out of there.

For the ADHD: medication. Slow release is easier on the system, more stable. Also more expensive. Methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta) is pretty well tolerated, but there's other options.

For the ADHD: try a discrete list of what you have to be doing, in order of priority. Have it nearby so whenever you start something, double check that list and make sure what yer doing is on it. Took me about a month for it to set in. I keep mine at six things or less - any longer and there's a problem in prioritizing (for me). Sometimes I forget to keep one.. and then things go bad, and I remember 'hey, remember how easier this was with a list? Make a list.'

For the No: well, shit. Um. I reach for 'polite, tactful reinforcement of my own beliefs' rather than 'rejecting someone else,' and it works often enough that i keep trying. Not trying to hurt their feeling or reject their proposal - i'm sticking up for mine, and leaving space for possible (but not always likely) negotiation for a middle ground. In your 'No' scenario... no, there's no middle ground to retreat to, and that makes it really difficult. (again, profound sympathies)

For the No: think like a middle-school teacher: explain the rules (I can't help because of my back, I won't forge the document because it's illegal, etc), offer the rejection, (so I won't be doing that, because it wouldn't be good for me), and repeat. Repeat the same wording after every request - it forces the listener to operate within your framework instead of getting control of the conversation. For real aggression, repeat the phrase twice or thrice in succession as a deliberate passive-aggressive, courteous rejection. And it helps to practice behaving smug and patronizing, like you're talking down to a ten-year old. [this is not humor] Really. The people opposing us have spines, so we can have a spine too, and our spine is more important than theirs.

- 'Sorry, I really have to get my own project finished before I can take on yours.'
- 'There's some obligations I have to take care of after work, so I can't swing overtime.' (can't come to the bar) (can't babysit)
- 'I really don't think that would be a positive outcome for me.'
- 'Piss of and die you thieving parasitical lying bitch.'

It doesn't always work. But we try, yes?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Pteredacted, that was very helpful for me to hear, too. The broken record really works, and I have to remember that. Piss off and die you thieving parasitical lying bastard is a stretch for me, but it sure made me laugh!:laugh:

 

[Keming]

I have never discussed this with my therapist mainly because it's something that scares me. A year ago,...

For No: 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' - maybe not a full program, that's a commitment and a half. But the methods are useful addition to any PTSD toolkit. The Australian 'Moodgym' gets recommendations, but you'll have to tolerate the incredibly patronizing writing. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

[Keming]

@Pteredacted, that was very helpful for me to hear, too. The broken record...

'Broken record." Yes, that is the succinct way to put it. :)

It's an actual classroom control method taught in education programs, and it's remarkably effective on adults - even adults who've had the same training. The important thing is to repeat it Three Times, politely.

Piss of and Die! Piss off and die. Piss Off And Die :)
It wasn't my best day, but the message got across :)

 

[Toriplays]

Wow. First, you are not the asshole, that so-called therapist is the asshole! In fact, she's t...

Thank you for this Lola.
I can relate to all of what you shared.
Depression and ADD...Cinderella's ugly
step-sisters. Lol! I feel like I never have my
act together. I'm always behind because
I procrastinate so much.