silencekit
New Here
I have had a very messy family. I was adopted because my parents couldn't care for me, then my adopted father died when I was a little kid, and then I spent a decade living with my adopted mother, who completely fell to pieces without her husband. She was mean to me (called me stupid, crazy, ugly, acted like my biological family were freaks) and allowed her violent bio daughter (10 years older and twice as big as me) to live with us, even though she regularly had very scary tantrums where she'd threaten to kill herself or family members or me. I did not have a close relationship with my adopted mother at all...I hated her for not protecting her family from somebody who was obviously a menace. I often felt like I had to protect her, because she was so helpless and depressed, but my own distress only seemed to anger her. I did not turn to this woman for comfort except for very early on, before things got bad and I became convinced she didn't care about me.
So now I'm living with a woman 20 years my senior. She's very kind to me, but her kindness can be so upsetting at times. I mean, I spent my adolescence learning how to keep rational, not need the support of others, and be strong even when I felt bad. But I've been feeling really, really bad lately.
When she's not around, I can keep a stiff upper lip, but all she has to do is flash me a worried look when I get like that, and all I want to do is snuggle up to her and cry. It's so painful to see her hurt and know I'm the cause of it. And she actually lets me snuggle up to her and cry, which is even more upsetting. It really just kills me that my own parents couldn't show this level of concern for me. She doesn't seem to understand what's happening when I do that.
She thinks that I'm just crying over my bad nerves, nightmares, memories, etc., that she's not a factor. I'm grateful for her kindness, but my God, I've never cried so much in my life, not even in the weeks after my father died. I feel reduced to being a child before her, when I very much want to move on with my life and be independent. It's just so infantilizing.
So now I'm living with a woman 20 years my senior. She's very kind to me, but her kindness can be so upsetting at times. I mean, I spent my adolescence learning how to keep rational, not need the support of others, and be strong even when I felt bad. But I've been feeling really, really bad lately.
When she's not around, I can keep a stiff upper lip, but all she has to do is flash me a worried look when I get like that, and all I want to do is snuggle up to her and cry. It's so painful to see her hurt and know I'm the cause of it. And she actually lets me snuggle up to her and cry, which is even more upsetting. It really just kills me that my own parents couldn't show this level of concern for me. She doesn't seem to understand what's happening when I do that.
She thinks that I'm just crying over my bad nerves, nightmares, memories, etc., that she's not a factor. I'm grateful for her kindness, but my God, I've never cried so much in my life, not even in the weeks after my father died. I feel reduced to being a child before her, when I very much want to move on with my life and be independent. It's just so infantilizing.
