Being Unsociable

[Deleted member 14359]

Oh how familiar!

I just want to hide away from the world sometimes, stay in bed and forget about the world. The world expects me to be the same as I was four months ago, the trouble is...that person has gone :(.

 

[Kaii]

I have lost all my friends, but it has been coming up on two years since my PTSD diagnosis. They all called at first, wanting to go for coffee but I got tired of having to relive my trauma over and over again for each one of them. I know they wanted to talk about it part out of caring and part out of curiosity, but having to stay in bed for days after meeting up with them was not worth it in the end.

I feel like everybody thinks I should be "over it" by now, but none of them was there "that day". They don't know, they don't understand.

So, I stay in my fortress and hide from the world. I'm okay with that, it feels safe here.

But I force myself to be present for family events. I feel so disconnected then. I hear people talking around me and I know I should try and get involved in the conversation but all I do is sit and listen.

I was always an introvert, but now I am an introvert x 1000.

 

[freakofnurture]

I guess what makes me most unsociable is that I don't get why people are heartbroken when someone withdraws from them. Just go talk to someone else! There are 6 billion people in the world, someone is bound to be just as witty and entertaining as I am.

Irritation and annoyedness is what being unsociable feels like for me. Being crowded by even a single person.

Also, never ending boredom. Unless you're going to talk about something really funny and/or intellectually demanding and/or something that you're highly passionate about, don't talk into my direction. And I'd rather self-combust spontaneously than tell you what I did yesterday (hint: either the same boring, not tell-worthy stuff I did on the 365 days before that, or something that's none of your business). There are so many more fulfilling things to do than to socialise.

I do like to hear from my friends occasionally, though. If anything out of the ordinary happened, anything happy or a special nuisance. But that's once in six months or so.


EDIT: Not to forget... Aside from being annoyed, I'm also scared shitless as soon as the population density of a room passes a certain (steadily lowering) threshold. After a certain point I'm so scared I can't even move, unless it is to run away.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Wow- in such a small space you really nailed it! I also isolate but not because I do not like people. I do like people, but find that they often see me as weird. It makes me feel so awful.

It finally dawned on me that while everyone else is being themselves, I have to fake all the time.

Well, I read about this man who was an orator in ancient Greece and he wanted to perfect his craft. So to make sure he statyed away, he would shave half his beard. That way he knew he would not go out.

I do this, too. I will, for istance, put a thick conditioner in my hair in the AM and leave it in, knowing that I might be able to do the things i NEED to do, like shop like that but would NEVER go around friends or church etc.......that way I can stay away when I need to.

I guess that looks like a weird thing to do now that I read it, but it does work.:D

 

[Anna]

I was told I was cold and withdrawn. I now am an excellent actress. I too smile and greet people like one big act. I also swear like a sailor and have been caught a couple of times "freaking out" some ppl even call me "crazy"... to be honest, I just don't care anymore. Hell life is too short. I am quite often on autopilot though.

 

[heidi]

I just hate all the awkwardness of just even being out. I think for friendship to occur it would have to be honest in an I'm f*cked up kind of way. Strangely that's the only way to be accepted truely. I think if I was with people and they know generally about my struggles I'm okay with them. Unfortunately it's hard to go that deep with people very often. I just have no energy to pretend. I'm pretty much not okay and I don't know...

 

[shell]

I isolate all the time, a friend I saw recently asked how I was going, I struggled to hold it together and she could see I wasn't okay, and said if I needed to talk she would be there for me. I was mortified.

The thought of socializing just fills me with dread, I feel like a freak at times, in fact if I didn't know better I would swear I it's stamped on my forehead. I think people can see my unease, and avoid me, because my unease makes them uncomfortable.

I don't feel comfortable in social situations, and really prefer my own company, because then I don't have to pretend anymore.

What's ironic is just add alcohol and I'm a party animal, and I forget everything and have a really good night.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I tend to stay indoors during the day as much as I can, but I feel more like meeting up with Dec and just going out, for a walk, whatever in the evening. I hadn't really thought about it, but Dec said that it could be because everywhere is quieter at night and I'm less likely to 'bump into' people and make that awful awkward small talk. I think he's bang on with that.

 

[freakofnurture]

(She) said if I needed to talk she would be there for me. I was mortified.

Do you know why you reacted like this?

Because I get very uncomfortable, too, when someone offers to 'be there'. I'm always scared that, once I let somebody 'close' I won't be able to push them away again without drama when I need space again (I need a lot of space).

 

[Philippa]

I've been forcing myself for a few years now to be more social, but it still doesn't feel great. I fake it most of the time, and am on autopilot, as someone else said.

I admitted to myself a long time ago that I am just not that social, but people I know seem tot hink I am all these things that I am just not.

I force myself because, like Hashi said, I would just drop out alltogether if I didn't...and I have before. For years I was completely on my own, and happy with that for the most part. I started getting pretty bored with it about 8 years ago though, and after I was sexually assaulted, I realized how much I really needed at least one friend, but had none.

Even though I am not that social, I still admit that I need people...I just don't want to need them.

Prior to that I was ok with having no friends. I've been a total recluse at different periods, and have enjoyed my Hermit status for the most part...though my family all thought it was extremely strange and now think I am a lunatic. At least my father does.

People who know I am f*cked up and still stick around are people I don't mind having around. Anyone who knows I am f*cked up and gives me crap about it...they can take a long walk off a short pier.

 

[Venusian]

I am finding myself isolating more and more. I am just getting so tired of doing everything on my own so I don't do anything. When I was married I would have to do things on my own with my kids because my ex-husband didn't want to go because he had other things to do. When he did want to do something it would be with equipment that was not big enough for the whole family, so he and the kids went and I stayed home. I hated going to his family functions and sitting alone because I wasn't originally from the community and wasn't included in conversations. That was life before I knew I had PTSD and now that I recognize some of my reactions I just don't want to put myself in situations where I know I will get hurt.

It is ten years since I left him and I now live alone in a city that I moved to a year and a half ago. I still don't know anyone other than the people I work with and family is still hours away. I realize that I depended on my ex for any bit of social interaction I had because I never learned how to make friends on my own. I met him through my parents, his sister and her husband were the landlords of one of the MANY different places we lived.

I am lonely, I want to have friends that I can go for coffee with or go to a movie with or who will invite me to a party. I want someone in my life that makes me feel like they want me there and not include me just as an obligation. Going to a movie alone just makes me feel lonlier because everyone else is there with someone else. Life now just revolves around work and when I get home I am just existing until it is time to go back to the office. I can't sleep without pills and sometimes I wonder if it is possible to take the right amount to sleep through the whole weekend because I don't want to just "exist" anymore and I don't know how to change that.

 

[fairywings]

I hate hate hate going out when I'm "like that" I love my alone time. It helps me think straight again. If I have to go out I fake small talk have no clue how to focus on small talk. If it is not very very interesting I have to get away. If I can't get away I mentally drift away. That's why fairies are awesome they can fly away! :) Though I know they aren't real. I have my projects and am setting up my art table again. And sewing stuff. I enjoy my company but it is lonely . Sometimes I feel like if there was a fire next door the firefighters would have to drag me out. I would take that chance.