CrazyHorse
Gold Member
No man, she is actually not!
What she (nursenurse) writes to you is clear, honest and bloody good advice!
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No man, she is actually not!
What she (nursenurse) writes to you is clear, honest and bloody good advice!
There's your answer.
digger
Sponsor
You say that you're friends with his wife too - have you really stopped to think, as a friend to her, how fair it is to be taking up so much of her husband's time? Would you be happy if the situation were reversed?
Your own words were that you felt like you were falling for him - people don't generally use words like that about a caring big brother kind of thing.
I personally think that the level of communication you are having with him all day, every day, is unhealthy - I would say this if you were saying it about a female friend too - it sounds more like dependency than friendship. Do you have a therapist? If not, I really think you need to look at getting one.
You have received good advice and opinions on this thread but it appears you don't like them - you will get honest advice and opinions on this forum, if you only want people to agree with you then you're probably in the wrong place. I can't see anything uncalled for or rude in any of the responses - I can see that they might be making uncomfortable reading for you as they aren't the responses you were wanting or expecting. The thing I like most and find most useful about this forum is allowing it to challenge my perspectives.
Your own words were that you felt like you were falling for him - people don't generally use words like that about a caring big brother kind of thing.
I personally think that the level of communication you are having with him all day, every day, is unhealthy - I would say this if you were saying it about a female friend too - it sounds more like dependency than friendship. Do you have a therapist? If not, I really think you need to look at getting one.
You have received good advice and opinions on this thread but it appears you don't like them - you will get honest advice and opinions on this forum, if you only want people to agree with you then you're probably in the wrong place. I can't see anything uncalled for or rude in any of the responses - I can see that they might be making uncomfortable reading for you as they aren't the responses you were wanting or expecting. The thing I like most and find most useful about this forum is allowing it to challenge my perspectives.
Kas_Can_Fly
Diamond Member
For me personally, I find that the feeling of falling is actually the feeling of trust being built. Then I pull away and then get closer, I repeat this ad nauseum. It never ends. But the feeling of falling and of attraction I find in someone isn't sexual or romantic, it's me finding trust and appreciation for that person but also about platonic love, affection and intimacy.
As someone who experienced childhood sexual abuse from my father I have come to learn that it's normal to experience confusion like this with any male figure who I become capable of trusting. And that the pulling away from them is due to the fear that they're going to hurt me just like he did. Of course all this is so subconscious that it's taken a long time to understand this.
I realise you aren't me but I wanted to offer a different train of thought and to ask you, are you really falling for him or are you developing trust and platonic love? I think it's impossible to know for me but hopefully it will at least give you something to think about. These boundaries can get very confused and crossed and I don't know the cause of your ptsd but this may be a possibility.
Though it might be better to text a little less and built up some healthier boundaries out of respect for each other and her. There is a term "emotional affair" that could be applied here but I understand that it could also be close friendship. You need to be entirely honest with yourself (not us) to come to understand this. Good luck.
As someone who experienced childhood sexual abuse from my father I have come to learn that it's normal to experience confusion like this with any male figure who I become capable of trusting. And that the pulling away from them is due to the fear that they're going to hurt me just like he did. Of course all this is so subconscious that it's taken a long time to understand this.
I realise you aren't me but I wanted to offer a different train of thought and to ask you, are you really falling for him or are you developing trust and platonic love? I think it's impossible to know for me but hopefully it will at least give you something to think about. These boundaries can get very confused and crossed and I don't know the cause of your ptsd but this may be a possibility.
Though it might be better to text a little less and built up some healthier boundaries out of respect for each other and her. There is a term "emotional affair" that could be applied here but I understand that it could also be close friendship. You need to be entirely honest with yourself (not us) to come to understand this. Good luck.
Recovery4Me
VIP Member
Welcome to the forum:hug:.
There is a large difference between a 'friendship' and a 'emotional affair' (no sex in this one either). Please research this on the internet, as perhaps you may better understand what the majority is trying to offer. Honestly, they are trying to help. Trust just a little, ok?
nursenurse
Diamond Member
As anyone here knows, I will never just tell you what you want to hear, I try to tell you what you need to hear. Sometimes the two are in synch, sometimes not. You are deluding yourself, he is the ass others claim him to be for allowing the intrusion on his life. And then there is his poor wife. You said you are falling for him. Enough said. You will do whatever you please, that I am sure of. But don't you ever use your PTSD as an excuse for your "good friendship" crossing the boundaries. That is an insult to the sufferers here who try to fight the stigma of it, and who are good and decent human beings. Over and out.
Recovery4Me
VIP Member
Hey Nurse,Nurse!:hug:
Richie80 is a newbie on the forum and you are really very experienced with over 1,277.00 posts. So what if there was consideration that maybe there are some triggers going on for some of us who read this and some of the reactions may appear to be a bit charged?
For my part- (((Richie80))), sorry if I seemed harsh about emotional affairs versus friendships. Please continue to work on the forum concerning your PTSD. You just picked a "hot mess" of a topic for some of us. Great way to know everybody, but rough entry.
Don't give up on learning about yourself and again welcome to the mix.;)
nursenurse
Diamond Member
I stand by everything I said and how I said it. Emotional affairs can be just as hurtful as a roll in the sack. Looking for justification is not the same as seeking help for PTSD. But I appreciate your thoughts. And now I am really out of this thread.
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anthony
Founder
Things that occur to you do not invalidate another's opinion. Respect others opinion is a forum rule.
To be quite honest, my opinion is also not likely to be liked then... because this is nearly the exact definition of an emotional affair, which is exactly the same, and the precursor in fact, to the next step, being rolling in bed together.
And there is step one to the problem in which his wife has issue with. It doesn't matter how much you try and convince yourself otherwise, she will still have issue with it. You are actually going to be the cause of his marriage breakup based on what you've said above, IMHO.
There is step two... and if you move closer, rolling around in bed together is most likely to occur based on your above.
Here is what you should do IMO... leave your relationship purely as it is, distanced and talking as friends at an emotional level that obviously neither of you are getting from within another relationship. I'm sorry, but this will completely change if you change the dynamics of this relationship by moving closer, or breaking one relationship to form your own... living with someone is completely different than talking with them only via phone or internet. They aren't the same thing, and your feelings are completely misguided based on one aspect of a person. If you get involved, you will get all aspects of that person... and suddenly your original sentiments won't be matched equally.
The moment he cheats or leaves his wife for you, is the same moment you are exactly naive to think he won't do the same to you, because what you're seeing in him, his own wife should also be seeing, and if that doesn't keep him faithful to her and them together, regardless of your efforts to get him for yourself, then the same thing will happen to you when partnering with him.
You are delusional to think this isn't already close to cheating, and that continuing this won't destroy his marriage, let alone be the exact reason it will also destroy whatever you do together at a later time. If you're the other person, then you will be looking for the next other person when you're the wife, because he will do the same thing again if he does it with you.
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Honestly, even if he wasn't married and your relationship with him was entirely platonic, I really do find it unhealthy to be that reliant on someone all day every day, to the point where if a few hours go by without their support you feel yourself slipping. I'm speaking from personal experience with this. Yes, sometimes it helped me feel warm and fuzzy and loved and kept me safe when I was totally obsessed with this wonderful friend and messaged them constantly, but it was a heavy price to pay when she would ever be unavailable and I found myself not knowing how to cope on my own.
Yes, I was in denial at first that I relied on her too much. Yes, it hurt like hell when she made the extremely wise/mature decision to step away for a while and set some boundaries. Yes, it was a dark and shaky few months trying to learn how to function with sudden zero contact from her.
But you know what? After all that, we have a MUCH healthier and happier relationship, even though we're in contact less than half as often as before; and, we both learned valuable skills about setting boundaries and caring for ourselves on our own. During that period after she withdrew, I thought it was the worst time of my life - but now, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
It's clear that something about this relationship is troubling you enough to seek help here, even if you are resistant to some of the replies. I really do urge you to make the mature decision and step back from this relationship, however far you need to in order to fully (and I mean fully) respect your friend's marriage and his wife. Trust me, it is healthier for all three of you. I also highly suggest finding a good therapist if you don't already have one to help you work through the feelings that will inevitably come up.
You're not a bad person for wanting to feel loved and cared for. You just need to think really rationally about how these needs might be affecting other people as well as yourself, and how you might go about seeking a healthier way of looking at boundaries and relationships.
Yes, I was in denial at first that I relied on her too much. Yes, it hurt like hell when she made the extremely wise/mature decision to step away for a while and set some boundaries. Yes, it was a dark and shaky few months trying to learn how to function with sudden zero contact from her.
But you know what? After all that, we have a MUCH healthier and happier relationship, even though we're in contact less than half as often as before; and, we both learned valuable skills about setting boundaries and caring for ourselves on our own. During that period after she withdrew, I thought it was the worst time of my life - but now, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
It's clear that something about this relationship is troubling you enough to seek help here, even if you are resistant to some of the replies. I really do urge you to make the mature decision and step back from this relationship, however far you need to in order to fully (and I mean fully) respect your friend's marriage and his wife. Trust me, it is healthier for all three of you. I also highly suggest finding a good therapist if you don't already have one to help you work through the feelings that will inevitably come up.
You're not a bad person for wanting to feel loved and cared for. You just need to think really rationally about how these needs might be affecting other people as well as yourself, and how you might go about seeking a healthier way of looking at boundaries and relationships.
Recovery4Me
VIP Member
That's is what I stand behind too. Thanks Ryan. I am out of the thread now too.
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