City Slicker
Platinum Member
Apologizing for the length in advance.
I have been doing lots of 'research' on the similarities that run through the trauma I experienced as a child and the reasons I can still feel still so traumatized in my adult relationships and how it relates to PTSD.
This lead me to studying Betrayal Trauma.
The definition I found says that betrayal trauma is: 'A theory that predicts that the degree to which a negative event is associated with a betrayal by a trusted, needed other and influences the ways in which that event is processed and remembered.'
For me this means when a trauma has occurred in our lives and the people to which we turn for help betray us in the way they react to the trauma. Their reactions can range from negation of our reality about how bad the trauma was to outright wilfull blindness and denying that anything bad or traumatic happened at all. Betrayal blindness. They don't have to be witness to the trauma, sometimes they are present as the trauma is happening, sometimes the trauma is long passed and we are disclosing to them.
This has made a whole lot of sense to me as an adult now in having close relationships with people and the way my brain reacts to normal, everyday 'misattunements' with my friends or lovers. Where others seem to have the ability to have 'normal' friend disagreements, 'normal' reactions to a partner saying something insensitive etc, these 'disconnects' with people in my life have always had a huge, negative effect on me and my psyche.
I believe this 'overly sensitive' aspect of myself has not been as a result of being 'too sensitive' or having thin skin, or having been through 'too much' etc. For me it is as a result of having experienced significant betrayal from people I trusted to help keep me safe. It wasn't the actual trauma that caused me the most damage, it was the betrayal I experienced when I tried to tell my mother, my teachers, my coaches etc what was happening and to have no-one do anything to help.
Today, I don't go into relationships expecting to be physically hurt the way I was when I was younger. However, I realize a large part of me expects to be ultimately betrayed. As a result, sometimes even simple disagreements with my partner or a friend can lead to huge disconnects inside simply because my brain associates a beginning disagreement as a betrayal about to occur.
This fear of betrayal and fear of subsequent blindness in those I love can trigger such rage in me - I think simply because it represents a lot of the damage done early on when I became aware that no-one was going to help me (betrayal) and that some would go out of their way to avoid seeing what was wrong (willful blindness). I seem to remember the betrayal more strongly than the traumas themselves.
I am working on seeing differences of opinion as just that and not as huge betrayals and disconnects about to take place. I am getting it now.
I tried a first shot at therapy and the therapist actually helped me deal with the concept of inadequate witnessing by inadequately witnessing. Now that's some kindof crazy ironic right there. ; )
I have been doing lots of 'research' on the similarities that run through the trauma I experienced as a child and the reasons I can still feel still so traumatized in my adult relationships and how it relates to PTSD.
This lead me to studying Betrayal Trauma.
The definition I found says that betrayal trauma is: 'A theory that predicts that the degree to which a negative event is associated with a betrayal by a trusted, needed other and influences the ways in which that event is processed and remembered.'
For me this means when a trauma has occurred in our lives and the people to which we turn for help betray us in the way they react to the trauma. Their reactions can range from negation of our reality about how bad the trauma was to outright wilfull blindness and denying that anything bad or traumatic happened at all. Betrayal blindness. They don't have to be witness to the trauma, sometimes they are present as the trauma is happening, sometimes the trauma is long passed and we are disclosing to them.
This has made a whole lot of sense to me as an adult now in having close relationships with people and the way my brain reacts to normal, everyday 'misattunements' with my friends or lovers. Where others seem to have the ability to have 'normal' friend disagreements, 'normal' reactions to a partner saying something insensitive etc, these 'disconnects' with people in my life have always had a huge, negative effect on me and my psyche.
I believe this 'overly sensitive' aspect of myself has not been as a result of being 'too sensitive' or having thin skin, or having been through 'too much' etc. For me it is as a result of having experienced significant betrayal from people I trusted to help keep me safe. It wasn't the actual trauma that caused me the most damage, it was the betrayal I experienced when I tried to tell my mother, my teachers, my coaches etc what was happening and to have no-one do anything to help.
Today, I don't go into relationships expecting to be physically hurt the way I was when I was younger. However, I realize a large part of me expects to be ultimately betrayed. As a result, sometimes even simple disagreements with my partner or a friend can lead to huge disconnects inside simply because my brain associates a beginning disagreement as a betrayal about to occur.
This fear of betrayal and fear of subsequent blindness in those I love can trigger such rage in me - I think simply because it represents a lot of the damage done early on when I became aware that no-one was going to help me (betrayal) and that some would go out of their way to avoid seeing what was wrong (willful blindness). I seem to remember the betrayal more strongly than the traumas themselves.
I am working on seeing differences of opinion as just that and not as huge betrayals and disconnects about to take place. I am getting it now.
I tried a first shot at therapy and the therapist actually helped me deal with the concept of inadequate witnessing by inadequately witnessing. Now that's some kindof crazy ironic right there. ; )
